We're all mad here

Why do normal people go mad? The one question I regularly asked myself, but the only way I could think of it was the way C S Lewis did in ‘Alice In Wonderland’. But then I guess you could say: why do bad things happen to good people? My head had become a perpetual chain of questioning my sanity, and I was going mad whether I liked it or not.

Madness wasn’t bad though, it wasn’t good either but I could allow it to slowly take over my mind and conscience. Everything seemed somber in my head, but desolated. It’s as if I were in space; constantly screaming and crying for help, but no one would ever be able to hear me. I couldn’t talk to anyone about what I saw in my head, nor the voices I heard. Half the time I didn’t even remember what had happened in the real world, let alone my head. Maybe I passed out.

Natalia, my foster mom, once said to me “You, Maddie, are definitely a teen. You’ve got those irrational mood swings down to perfection.” Although I don’t ever recall having those mood swings she’s always on about, perhaps I just chose not to remember. Sometimes she said, “it’s depression, a common side affect of losing you’re parents, nothing to worry about.” I don’t worry about it, yet sometimes I think that; occasionally our minds, they believe that they’re in a world of their own, so because of this, they want to fight against us. Leading us to go mad.

For some time I even went to see a psychiatrist because Natalia was worried about me hurting myself. I don’t remember every trying to hurt myself but I do remember seeing the marks and blood. The scars of forgotten memories. The Psychiatrist lady stated, “It’s the worst case of Dissociative Identity Disorder I’ve seen for a long time.” Despite this she never did anything about it. Didn’t even explain what it meant or what it would do to me. With that, when I finished school, for the spring break, Natalia told me that she’d been conversing with a Guidance Counselor, who had advised sending me to a place called ‘The House’.

That’s how I ended up here.