Dominatrix

I was sitting there bored, listing to Mr. Berens complain about the class being an honors class and no one participating to the subject. His complaining was intriguing--to me at least. I can't remember what she said to me, but it didn't really bother me, I just replied to her like any other. She's pretty, and really smart, kind of a turn on in my opinion, but her body didn't really turn me on.

I started to talk to her, or she did to me, I don't remember so well. She was also bored, like me, so she would talk to me, and me being the pretentious douchebag I was, I thought "hey maybe I could practice some psychology on her and make her like me as a person (not the love kind of thing)." And so I did. She turned out to be a cool person. A way much cooler person than I am.

It turned out she met all of my personal preferences in a girl: smart, pretty, chill, wears glasses, independent, and over all she was herself. That being herself tops all in a girl. For which I, sadly know now which I should've a long ass time ago! She taught me that without giving me any lessons about it.

I wish I wasn't so stupid around her. I was a little burnout stoner. I kind of felt like she had to impress me in a way? Which she shouldn't have at all. She would say some lies here and there, which in time I found out was a lie. But nevertheless, I was the one who was supposed to be trying to impress her, but I wasn't attracted to her at that moment. Slowly the process happened.

I felt like she was getting attracted to me, but FUCK! WHY WASN'T I ATRACTED TO HER AT THE MOMENT!? I remember clearly what she told me when I asked for a cookie (which is my favorite snack or meal, doesn't fucking matter) she said "I always have some for you" that shit felt fucking special and I don't know if it was the weed because I faded, unfortunately, and that shit makes me delusional sometimes, but I swear she said that. And you know I said back? ...nothing. Fuck me right!? I could've made a fucking move there but no I was dumb like always.

A couple months later I started to like her. I don't know how that shit started to happen, but it happened. I was liking the fact I was talking to her and seeing her smile. She would talk about baseball and I would try to act like I knew at least someone who played it. I would try to talk to her about it but I sucked. I don't watch sports, only the martial arts on youtube. She would tell me about her games but I would try to keep talking about it but I couldn't. I was like "oh that's great" and stop talking.

There once was a moment when the class was about to end, she stood up then I did. This shit was crazy, I've never thought of this kind of shit before. Right where she was standing, I wanted to grab her by the waist and kiss her. Sure doing some shit like that would get me slapped on the stop, so I didn't, it was just a little fantasy for that moment. But fuck, did want to do that shit. This girl was beautiful and she is perfect. But I wasn't for her.

Before I started to like her (really like her) I went on a date with her. Fuck did that feel great. At first she rejected the offer because she had softball practice but she said some other time. And we did go on a date. Well I like to call it that. I was planning to go a close by Carl's Jr but the one I wanted to go to wasn't even there. Fuck my life! Thank god I knew another where Carl's Jr was at. Good thing she was a talkative person cause there wasn't a single moment of silence. It went ok. It was just a like a normal hang out n shit, but I should've at least flirted, at least once. But I didn't. I hate myself.

She started to notice I was liking her but she I bet she like "when is foo going to ask me out" sadly I didn't have the balls to do so. I was mostly afraid of fucking up the relationship and then what, go to class and act like that shit never happened. Fuck that. And besides we sat next to each other, a couple sitting next to each other is a little weird for them. I don't know what the fuck was going through my dumbass head then. I should've said "fuck that! I'm taking my chances!" sadly I did tell myself that, but I never did take those "chances" with such a beautiful girl like her. I was too much of fucking pussy to do so. This is what really drove me fucking crazy about myself. I was new to this shit, I didn't know what to do, even though I did, I didn't have the balls to do so. Basically, I didn't know where to find these "balls", that's where I was lost. My friends where a help, but I wasn't. My friends are smart, they weren't going to help someone who isn't going to help themselves. So I just told them, and I don't remember if asked for advice but I don't think I did, at least to my knowledge.

This girl was never my girlfriend, I wish she was, but she wasn't. So I couldn't be always complaining about her I had to just suck it up and deal with it however I had to. In time, thank god, I was losing feelings for her and was free, until she told me a secret, which fucking killed me, but I learned from it. I learned life isn't always going to be what you really expect it to be, especially with "love" or whatever the fuck you want to call it. I also learned I should show some god dam respect to women, they're not some fucking toys, "love" is real and it's not some immature little kid shit, and know every woman needs respect. I doesn't matter if she ugly or some other shit, she is who she is and that's that.

I respect all women now, well sometimes just for jokes n shit, but I do NOW and I won't change, and hopefully I find this "love" again and learn something new.