Are You Coming Or Not?

Are You Coming Or Not?

Jeff offered his hand and repeated his words. “Are you coming or not?”

Everything was hazy, colours were running into each other, nothing was clear. I wanted to trust him. I had no reason not to. It was just a walk in the park.

I couldn’t say yes. I wanted to, more than anything. But the words rolled around in my head and I couldn't catch them and make them speak.

Jeff shook his head in resignation. He sat on the couch with a thud and hung his head. You see? I wanted to say,I told you to walk away from me.

When Jeff spoke, his voice was different. Smaller, quieter. “Paula, I love you, but you have to get help. I can’t do this alone.”

“Then go,” I said, without hesitation. I wasn’t prepared to beg for his love. I looked into his dark eyes and saw the pain I was causing.

“That’s not an option, Paula. You are my life. We’re soulmates, right?”

“Really? You honestly believe all that bull?” My voice was high pitched, taut. Not mine.

“It’s not bull,” said Jeff, his words directed at his feet. “You know it’s not. I’d do anything for you. I want to help, I know we can do it together. Small steps, remember? We could just stand outside the front door for, say, five minutes. You can do that, right?”

“No!” The only word I have. “No no no. Get out!” I need to have never met him.

“I don’t love you, Jeff. You're convenient, that’s all. I’m over you now, get out. Go!”

I can barely breathe as I watch the love of my life scurry away, fragments of his broken heart trailing behind him. I’ve done it again. I am beyond help.

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