A crush

         It was my first party, I had been drinking. I had been pacing myself I didn't want to puke that night but, I had drank enough to gain some courage. I had found her my crush, I had the sneaking suspicion that I was about to get rejected. I'd seen her dancing with some other guy earlier that night, acting friendly with him later on but, I was at least going to try. I was stumbling just a little bit at this point but, it wasn't anything too bad.
         "Hey, Hey, Julia I need to talk to you." I said.
         "Okay, what's up?" She replied.
         "No, can we go somewhere more quiet?" I asked.
         Her friends asked her if she wanted them to come with her.
         For a second she considered it asking me if they could come. I was hesitant at first but, didn't want to say no.
         "Sure, I guess whatever." I said waving my arms around a little.
         She changed her mind and, told them to stay. I felt good she trusted me, we walked outside.
         "So, what's up?" She inquired.
         "Listen, listen," a bunch of meaningless words and phrases rushed into my mind.
         I decided to be to the point, at this moment I realized my arm was around her shoulder I thought about if she would want this or not. I took it away saying sorry.
         "So, I have a crush on you." I blurt out.
         "I'm sorry, but I'm talking to someone." She said.
         I had seen this coming or really any form of rejection. I mean she was her and I was me. Everyone loves her, she's probably one of the nicest people I've met and, to put it simply she's way out of my league. Where I'm just human garbage and, that's plain to see. Now I'm not just saying that cause she rejected me, I'm saying it because I fit perfectly with the definition of a loser. I've also been rejected by four other girls which, never helps the confidence.
         "Of course, of course, you're a great person." I say trying to get away.
         "I'm glad we've become close friends this year and, that we can talk." She says hurriedly.
         This makes me laugh. "We can't even have a full conversation I." I say. "You're just like everyone else super busy."
         It was only later that I realized everyone isn't busy, I'm just not worth the time.
         "I always get back to you." She starts to say, that's a lie.
         "It's fine listen, listen. This might sound weird but, I love you."
         She starts looking at me weird.
         "Not the way you're thinking. I love everyone and, I just wish I could end my life right now and, by doing that make you live a fully happy life." I'm kind of ranting now.
         I imagine myself taking a knife slitting my throat, with no hesitation, no fear. Looking up at the sky for a second smiling and, then falling down with the sweet embrace of death. I feel somewhat guilty for saying it because, there is a selfish purpose to it I just wish I could stop feeling pain. Unfortunately, that's not how it would work my death would be pointless and I'm not ready for a death like that yet.
         She's speechless, she starts to open her mouth. I hold up my finger.
         "Listen it's fine, it's fine." I walk away.
         As I walk back inside I wish that I have some freak accident, that I trip and, smash my head on the concrete. But, that doesn't happen I walk inside and, I have to spend the rest of the night avoiding her. It doesn't make me feel any better that there are tons of people around me hooking up. Sadly, I wasn't drunk enough to be a scumbag and, take advantage of a girl. I wish I was, I should have just gotten hammered puked my brains out so I couldn't remember anything maybe, if I had drank enough before I would have hooked up with someone else and not talked to Julia. At least it was a fun night it just sucks that it was sad as well. I thought I was better, that I wasn't sad anymore but, I realize now I had just forgotten how worthless I am.