Particular Confession 1

PARTICULAR CONFESSION

The start is random. It doesn't matter about the start. It doesn't matter. I am going to walk straight into it. I felt crushed, diminished, cast out and tortured today; not that I care about cast out but the crushing part really hit me. All this time I have been trying to live my life with a code, trying to build one, making statements and mantras trying to change myself, trying to be better but all it took was 20 seconds of bitch butterflies. I have the confidence to do almost anything that I really want but when its awkward, then I literally freeze. I get nervous on the inside. I may have learnt to hide that face when I get nervous but it has always been the same. I have tried to improve it but it is mainly just saying that I have the balls but actually not going out and approaching and practicing. I may have been a little hard on myself but I think it's the desperation pulling me down. I try and think like a psychopath which really sets me apart but when it comes to the approaching part, that's when Mr. fake serial killer goes all self-conscious and immovable. I used to ignore these things but really today it hit me hard. All these code and principles was for nothing. Part of the reason maybe was improvising most of the principles but I am left with a ditch and I pity myself. Disappointment is my first reaction. But still I think I do things too safe. I don't mind attention but for a guy who has never got any attention I may not have the experience to deal with it. It maybe because I have really not changed my core but only the way I look and seem to look. I can only control this with my conscious mind but my subconscious is a different story. I want to risk the unusual but the problem is I'm too scared to risk it. Sometimes shit hits the roof and I look for people to blame but my conscience and my way of thinking literally points me. I don't get intimidated or depressed but it sucks. I don't trust anyone which is a good thing. Oblivion is not what I am searching and attention is not what I want. I just want to do things what my alter ego wants but I guess I have locked the beast inside of me too securely. I know it is never going to be perfect but I want things to get better. In fact, I want to make those things better myself. I risk a few things in life but it is not going to get me anywhere. I want to stand up against people which is not really a concern because I know how to deal with them. I like to be in control. Looking on the bright side I have improved a lot. I used to take everything personally and now even if someone insults me I don't get offended; and if I do say something back, it's basically me fucking with them. I really want to change myself and feel the problems and me being numb to them. People want to make confessions. I used to think it was bullshit but sometimes a human does need to dump all that shit he's been wandering into. I can take this as a man, work on it day by day gradually and build a strong base. Honestly that's the way to go but I want to really take control of myself when that anxiety hits me. I want to reprogram my subconscious but humans do have habits and maybe I have overcome over quite a few but it's irrelevant. I guess I move on too quickly and I guess I am bored too fast. The psychopath thinking has made me a bit impatient because I see things a lot clearly now, but I guess for wanting something smoothly you should wait a little. I can take them though it doesn't distract me but I think the core reason for my day not going well is me thinking that I haven't made progress that I want. I regret that I didn't cut the crap and just go and approached but I move on at the same time. I can't do anything about it now really, can I?