The Bar Humbug

"Awright, pal, what'll it be?"

"Don't care. Something strong."

"Whoa, ye sure? Ye look well knackered already."

"No, I'm fine. Shot of whiskey."

"Look upon meee..."

"Ugh, fine. Shot of whiskey, with a... a sprig of holly, if you have it."

"... er, wha' was that?"

"Nothing. How about that shot?"

"Didja hear–?"

"No, I said!"

"Forbear that wicked cant!"

"There it's again! Wha' said that?"

"Just ignore it. Don't encourage it."

"But wha' is it?"

"I am the Ghost of Christmas Present. Look upon me!"

"Like it says, it's the Ghost of Christmas Present. And... uh... look upon it."

"Ghost of – ye mean like the Christmas Carol?"

"Come in, and know me better, man!"

"So, yeah. Just ignore it."

"But what's he want?"

"Heck if I know! It's been following me all week. It's not even Christmas yet!"

"Deny it! Slander those who tell it ye!"

"Float off!"

"Touch my robe!"

"Eat my–! No, calm breaths... peaceful thoughts ... so, yeah, shot of whiskey, please."

"Er, o' course. Right away. Ye say he just... follows ye around?"

"Everywhere, yup."

"Even in the... y'know... the lavvie? Does nae he... see nothin'?"

"It might be a claw, for the flesh there is upon it."

"Aw, jeez! Bathroom-client confidentiality! You see what I've been dealing with?"

"Aye. Sorry, pal. That cannae be easy."

"No kidding."

"And he ne'er tells ye what he wants?"

"Nope. Seems like it gets mad if I'm not Christmas-y enough, but it never gets more specific. I don't know what to do! I can only hope it'll disappear after Christmas, but that's still two weeks away, so I plan to spend the time 'til then getting thoroughly plastered. How about another shot?"

"It may be, that in the sight of Heaven, you are more worthless and less fit to live than millions."

"See, and then it says stuff like that! It's really hard not to take that personally."

"Look upon me!"

"Oh, look upon yourself...."

"Well, pal, I feel for ye, honestly. Do ye'll need another?"

"Yeah. Wait – no, looks like I'm tapped out. Crud! And I'm still mostly sober!"

"If he be like to die, he had better do it, and decrease the surplus population."

"There it goes with that crap again...."

"Hmmm. Tell ye wha', mate – here's one more on th'house. Happy Christmas!"

"Really? Thanks!"

"And bide the end!"

"Oops, right – Merry Christmas to you too. Cheers!"

"My life upon this globe is very brief."

"Yeah, I'll believe it when I see it."

End