Opening up

I may not be the person I think I am. I may not be the person that you thought I was. I have not been acting like myself, as for as of late what I mean probably the last 15 years or so. I am not blaming my actions on anyone. I am sure that I have done that in the past, well this is not the past, this is today. The mistakes I have made up to and including yesterday, are mine to own. Just like everybody else has to own their own mistakes. What everyone thinks about how I have handled myself over this time does have an effect on me, whether I like it or not. I like to think that I don’t care about what anyone else thinks, and for a long time I don’t think I did. Maybe that is what started me down this path of fuckedupedness, who knows?

I have done a lot of things wrong in my life and I pay for them, each and every day. A lot of people know some of what I pay for, but no one knows everything, but me. No one knows what goes through my mind but me. Most days that is a terrible thing. Some days I can block things out and it isn’t so bad. But other days the floodgates open and nothing can be blocked. Those days I’m at my worst.

As a young person I was made to believe that real men don’t go to the doctor, real men just suck it up and push through. Real men show no emotion and if you do then you aren’t a real man. Real men don’t show weakness; real men aren’t venerable. I didn’t cry when my dad died, I try to show no emotion and shut down when I feel venerable. Sometimes that doesn’t work. I know I get my buttons pushed very easily, then have to deal with the repercussions. That has happened more recently than it ever has. It’s not an excuse for what has happened recently. Just fact.

I have been told to own my shit, well this is owning it. It’s not the place for everyone else to decide how I own it, it may have affected them, but it’s still my shit that I am owning, it’s their job to own their own. There is not one twue way to own it, that is why it is up to the individual to own it not the public’s perception of owning it. I have done some self-reflecting in the past, but not dug down to the bottom of what was really happening in my mind, only went to see a doctor once about it, that was a long time ago.

I know that there are certain steps to take to get better. Some of the things that go into getting better cross that “real men” threshold. That has been a mental block for me, even when my back hurt so bad I couldn’t stand it I still didn’t want to go to the doctor. I did because I had to to keep my job and get better so I could work. But I went the bare minimum that I had to, and didn’t go back for the follow up after the surgery. Sure it was making me feel better but it was taking away from my “manhood”

Right now there is but one place to go from here and that is up. Even though I have been screwing the pooch (not literally) lately the support have I have gotten has helped tremendously, and I appreciate it from the bottom of what I am calling a heart. Right now I am a fucked up mess and that is about all I really know right now, besides I am going to get help, and I am going to get better. It will take time, but I will get better.