Bandana Man

Bandana Man

I don’t know why I didn’t notice him straight away outside the supermarket? He was wearing a black bandana and leather pants with a heavy pot belly hanging out of his greasy leather jacket, the back of which bore some skull type emblem. He looked like some middle aged extra from Easy Rider. His first words to me were.
“ I can get your wife back for five grand.” That was his opening, his sales pitch, I should have turned and ran away very fast.
He spoke with a thick American accent which, as most American’s do, sounded ten decibels higher than anybody else in the immediate vicinity. His beady eyes squinted into mine as I turned to face him. His protruding chin was covered with a thin patchy grey beard.
“What did you just say?”
“I said, I can get your wife back for five grand.” He bellowed out the words like a challenge.
I immediately turned from him in one quick step, hastening my getaway speed towards the interior of the supermarket. I didn’t need crazy to-day or any other sodding day.
“ Hey buddy wait up I can help you, if you give me a chance.” He shouted at my back as I swerved between the metal trollies of oncoming coffin dodgers.
He spoke quickly in staccato sentences as he followed me along the rails of flowers to the fish counter, matching me step for step. Pulling my arm he stopped me, he was out of breath and sucking in big gulps of air.
“Let me introduce myself I’m Solomon Parkes, at your service.” He thrust out a hand. A shiny black business card was pressed into my hand, on it was an embossed gold graphic, depicting the human genome, a local number and an e mail address.
“Mr Parkes, I really don’t know what kind of sick joke you’re trying to pull here, but let me tell you I’m not in the mood. If you wouldn’t mind leaving me alone to finish my shopping I would be very obliged.”
“It’s no joke Simon, I offer a guaranteed no win no fee service. If I don’t return your wife to you within a two week period you don’t pay a dime, or a quid.”
“ I don’t know how you know my name Mr Parkes, and I don’t really care but if you and Maria are having a good laugh at my expense; then the both of you can go to hell.” A thought did occur.
“ Did her father send you?” Could be something that prick would do.
“Hey Hey calm down Simon, I’m on your side man. Maria didn’t send me, she doesn’t even know me and I don’t know her father.”
“Then how do you know about my .....” I hesitated it still wasn’t real to me, saying it made it real.
Solomon Parkes, finished the sentence.
“You splitting from your wife Maria, the whole she’s leaving you bit?”
“ Yes, that would be it Mr Parkes.”
“Look Simon if you gotta know, you’re going to have to open your mind a little and reserve judgement, until we know each other a little better huh.”
I walked forward pushing past him brusquely I’d had enough of this tedious charade already, he was left standing in my wake as I began to load the shopping trolley with fruit and vegetables. He caught me up again at the meat counter, and spoke earnestly almost apologetically.
“The easiest way to say it Simon and I don’t know if I can put it any simpler is, you’re transmitting your innermost thoughts neurologically, to me it’s like a radio broadcast. I can listen to those thoughts.”
“So you can read my mind? That’s it, is it? “
“ What a complete load of nonsense.”
“What a complete load of nonsense.” He parroted the words at the exact same time they left my mouth.
“See I knew you was going to say that.”
“A trick, how very amusing Mr Parkes, maybe you should show it to the children next time you’re booked to entertain them.”
“Hey kiddo, I’m not without feelings here like I told you you’re going to have to open your mind a little. You got my card, you have till noon on Wednesday to take up my offer. I’d ask you to consider it carefully.”
I shot him my best withering look. If he Solomon Parkes, was in any prior doubt as to my feelings regarding his unwelcome invasion of my privacy. My total disregard for the contrived bullshit nonsense he had just spouted. Then that look should, by and large have set the record straight.
He turned and left me standing in aisle three by the cheese counter, no good bye or parting shots. His leather clad body moved purposely out of the supermarket, toward the car park. At that moment I really didn’t want to see him ever again, fate had other ideas.
My mobile buzzed in my pocket, the signal for an incoming text message, perhaps it was Maria. As I looked at the screen’s fascia there staring back from it was Solomon Parke’s picture, the gold genome emblem of his business card flashed across the screen showing his number and email address. I thrust the phone back in my pocket momentarily unnerved just in case he was watching.

Chapter 2
The numbers on my computer screen sat inert, the spreadsheet in front of me disregarded, puzzling me like a foreign film without English subtitles. Oppressive walls of ring bound files and mountainous heaps of loose paper rose skyward around my desk, penning me in like prison walls preventing escape.
I stared listlessly out of the window, at the melancholy grey clouds threatening rain. I could only think to ask where did it all go wrong? Shit! I was doing it again random bouts of introspection.
After University I wanted to change the world, to do something worthy and noble for mankind. What I hadn’t counted on was how skilfully I had been brainwashed from birth, to perform like one of Pavlov’s Dogs for my paycheck.
With my marriage to Maria came the irksome responsibilities I had dreaded: job, mortgage, car, kids, and ultimately death. A well trodden path one imagined. I traded my freedom for love It was over now, at least for the time being; the last thread that had bound me to this daily exercise in futility, broken. Maria had been my motivation or perhaps my excuse to continue with this, now she was gone I was free again, in a way.
What price this freedom though, the woman I loved had abandoned me, maybe forever. Five years of highs and lows, well three years of highs and lows, two years of lower middle class routine, boredom and social climbing, unilaterally brought to a close. The sealed unit of our marriage breached, open for all humanity to peer into its dark recesses, never before seen by the public. Solomon Parkes was the first at the broken window, there would be more no doubt.
Solomon Parkes, his name now synonymous with our marital breakdown, in my head at least, but how did he find out? It was only two days since Maria had walked out, it was a conundrum alright, and maybe the answer lay with my estranged wife.
How can I call her though? We haven’t spoken since she left, the simple things we took for granted when we were together, like a call to say you may be home late, what was for dinner? That life now abandoned, a new life had begun with complicated arrangements and third party communications.
Cowardice, that’s what it was. I was too much of a coward I didn’t want to hear the bad things she might say about me. My fragile childlike ego didn’t want to ask her why, not yet. Solomon Parkes, maybe he knew?
Oh God what if Solomon Parkes was Maria’s new lover? Perhaps she was looking for some rough trade; he definitely fitted the bill, in his scruffy oik motorbike gang member motif. I’m always at a loss to explain why females fall for his type. He struck me as the type of man whose bathing routine was intermittent at best.
Curiosity didn’t kill the cat it was the aneurism he got from thinking too hard and acting too slowly. I dialled Maria’s mobile from memory. She answered immediately.
“Hello Simon.” Her voice sounded distant and thin. When I replied my voice was horse, at first then high, then low again.
“Do you know a Solomon Parkes?”
“Who?”
“Solomon Parkes, he was waiting for me outside the supermarket. He said he knew about us splitting. Did you tell him?”
“Simon have you been drinking again?”
“It’s a bit early for me.”
“Never stopped you before though did it?”
“Save your lecture just tell me.”
“I haven’t even told my mother yet, why would I tell a complete stranger? I don’t know anybody called Solomon whatever his name is. Look Simon I’ve got to go I’ll call you in a couple of days when I’ve got a few things sorted out.” Maria hung up.
Then she was out of my life again, off to God knows where with God knows who.
Now I was confused Maria sounded genuinely baffled, when I mentioned Solomon Parkes. I was still royally pissed off at his intrusion into my personal life; somehow though his unusual sales pitch had piqued my interest I was intrigued.
What kind of service did this guy offer? Would he kidnap Maria hold her prisoner. The theory was good, in practice. Maria would probably kick his head in. I have to know?
After work, I stopped off at my usual watering hole, and called him the call was answered immediately.
“Hello is that Mr Parkes?”
“Yes, Is that you Simon? I’ve been expecting your call.”
“Really? Because your unique service and sales patter would have led me to believe the opposite.
“ You would be surprised.” Came his retort.
“Look over to the far side of the bar Simon.”
As I turned there he was, but he was different. Gone were the leathers and bandana replaced with a tweed jacket and waistcoat with beige cargo pants and patent leather brogues.
The manner of Solomon Parke’s voice was the same but his accent had changed, he had lost his American straight from da Bronx drawl and replaced it with a Highlands of Scotland brogue. He sounded like an erudite laird of the manner.
“How did you know I’d be here? Mr Parkes.”
“Don’t be so formal Simon my dear boy, Solomon will suffice and I think I’ve already answered that question earlier.”
“Ah yes ,you mean the radio transmitter of the damned; that you alone can somehow tune into.”
“Quite. Simon let’s not beat about the proverbial bush, your here because my offer has titillated you and curiosity has got the better of pure reason, am I right? ”
“You are indeed.”
“Then do we have a deal?” His question was jaunty, his manner unassuming.
“Pardon me Solomon if I appear somewhat sceptical, but what exactly do you do for your five grand; how exactly do you get my wife back in the allotted two week period?”
“I become you, well not you, a better you.”
“What you mean you dress like me, do an impersonation, what?”
“No Simon, I physically become you. I borrow your body for a set period of time, for the purpose of negotiating with Maria, then return it when aforementioned negotiations are complete. Two weeks or less perhaps.”
“What utter bollocks.”
“You’re not the first person to robustly express his reservations regarding my modus operandi.”
A sudden anger took hold of me pent up frustration, boiled and bubbled barely concealed.
“So you’re trying to tell me that you’ve done this before, well answer me this; if you have such super powers why aren’t you putting them to better use, instead of being an out of body relate councillor?”
“What do you mean like saving the world and such? That’s too much like hard work, besides a man’s got to enjoy himself, live a little. There’s too much of the world for any one man to save.”
“Look Solomon I’m going to finish my drink now and I hope you won’t be offended if I don’t stay for another.”
“You do want Maria back don’t you?”
“Yes of course I do.”
“Then you should be prepared to do anything to get her back no matter how stupid or far fetched it seems. Now do we have a deal?”
“OK Solomon we have a deal on the basis that you can demonstrate your powers of transfer right here, right now.”
“Sorry Simon, due to legal requirements the contract must be signed and monies transferred before transmutation can take place, it’s all pretty standard stuff.”
I had to get out of there right now. I turned to leave, before I descended into anger.
“Simon, Simon don’t walk away from the opportunity of a lifetime, tell you what I can do, no payment up front just pay me when the jobs complete; what have you got to lose?”
“What about my sanity, if I agree to this I must be certifiable?”
This whole bizarre situation, was beyond anything I’d encountered before and my whole rational being was screaming just walk away, but the guy intrigued me. He didn’t appear to be mentally unstable and not once during our conversations had he broken stride.
“What happens to me when you take my body Solomon do I get yours?”
“That’s a good question Simon and I’m not going to lie to you, but the answer is no. You get to sit right here next to me where you can observe.”
Solomon Parkes pointed to a spot on his shoulder, just below his left ear.
“Well thanks for that, look I’m going to have to think about this you understand.”
“Don’t dwell too long, Maria’s at her mother’s as we speak discussing the possibility of divorce.”
“I think you know by now that the offer expires at noon tomorrow, once that deadline passes there will be no further offer. See you tomorrow.”
“Yeah see you.”
Dejected I ordered another round, might need some Dutch courage to see me through this one. Could I get Maria back, did I want her back? Who am I kidding of course I wanted her back, I was nothing without her. It had taken a gun pointing to my head to see that. Now it appeared my only chance at reconciliation was to put his trust in some lunatic scratching around on the fringes of the care in the community. If that was my only chance then it was a chance I’d have to take.
I thought about what Parkes had said, about giving off signals. I was giving off signals alright I’m a loser in love, desperate to not be alone, living in mortal fear because my life had changed. I was an easy target for a crackpot like him. But what if he could pull it off? Did every action in a man’s life have to be rationalised? The fear of being alone was a great motivator and Solomon Parkes knew this.
I decided to have another beer, I didn’t feel like being alone at the moment.
Chapter 3
The phone in my pocket began to make an urgent appeal for answering. I lifted my head from the pillow and immediately regretted it. The pain shot from one side of my head to the other, I wasn’t sure if I was wearing my own head as it was so thick. Steadying myself against the wall squinting, I caught sight of the clock, the LED sign 9.06, shit six minutes late for work already. How many did I have last ......? Stupid question too much, far, far too much. I had to think fast, shower yes quick shower then maybe I could be in the office maybe half an hour late.
My jacket, jeans and shoes laid in a heap at the side of my bed. The phone was still twitching and wailing insistent I answer it.
“Hello”
“Heavy night, buddy?”
“Solomon is that you?” sounded like the New Jersey guy was back.
“Sure is, who did you think it would be?”
“Well let me see: Maria: My boss Mr Starkey: Ghandi anybody but you.”
“Don’t be a putz Simon, today could be the greatest day of your life; if you just sign right on the dotted line.”
“Look Solomon hate to cut you short but I’m now ten minutes late for work, I’m stood here in my shirt and underpants. So I’ll bid you good day.”
“Simon cool your jets, I called your office spoke to some broad called Tanya, made your excuses you’re in the clear.”
“You did what, why did you do that?” Who called women broads?
“Because you ain’t had a day off sick in the last five years, don’t you think you owe it to yourself, besides you’ve got a big decision to make buddy.”
I couldn’t argue with that, but how had he acquired the intricate knowledge of details from my personal and professional life? That still unnerved me.
“I’ve bought you some valuable thinking time, you’re welcome.”
“I’m getting in the shower now Solomon, I’ll ring you when you I get out.”
“Look forward to it, make sure you get a good wash, I’m gonna need your cleaned up cadaver later.”
The last comment made my flesh creep a little, the shower felt good as the feeling began to return to the outside of my head.
Drying off, a thought occurred to me I’d better give the office a call; using the logic a good lie always needs reinforcement.
Speed dialling the office, I ask to speak to Tanya. Tanya came on the line I imagined her slim rather luscious body perched behind her desk, red pouting lips pressed against the receiver.
“What is it now Simon?” my fantasy bubble was burst, she sounded rather impatient.”
“Hi Tanya just calling to let you know I’m not well, I won’t be in for a couple of days.”
“Yeah you told me that an hour ago when you rang in first time. Now if there’s nothing else I’m pretty busy.”
“Sorry Tanya, must be amnesia bye.” I mumbled and rang off quickly.
The phone rang again immediately.
“Now do you believe me Simon are we going to do this? I’m really pumped up now, I want to get in there, moving and shaking, making things happen; that’s my thing. “
My depleted brain cells turned over slowly. I was slowly but surely coming round to the idea of this body swap, maybe this was my destiny, I was in the hands of fate.
“Are you sure you can do this Solomon?”
“Safe as houses, buddy.”
“OK Solomon I’m in where and when?”
“Meet me at 52 Festive Road in an hour; bring witch you your driver’s licence and passport.”
“Done, see you there.”
I was elated, could I really do this. I could do with the time of from the monotony of my life.
Life had become humdrum a continuous study in tedium. Nights filled with passionless conversations and even less passion in the bedroom. Then there was the list of endless trivial chores to perform, each one requiring immediate attention, all vested with such importance by Maria. I often felt that if a task was incomplete by bedtime that maybe a star or a little puppy would die as a result of my neglect.
My favourite fantasy was not one of a sexual nature, no; It entailed me being able to pay an army of handymen and lackeys to do these god awful repairs around the house. Due to my propensity to make a balls of all things DIY, Maria had to call on her father to sort the leaky tap; mend the gutter and tile the bathroom. Charlie would tut and sigh and screw up his face all the while diligently performing the task in hand, but he loved it really making me feel less of a man because I couldn’t grout a sink unit or fit a washer. Well Charlie you can piss up a rope, you are one aspect of my life with Maria I won’t miss.
Maria what would she be doing now what would she think of my little plan? She’d make me go to the Doctor’s most likely, get some tablets and have a lie down. Maybe she would marvel at the sheer audacity and madness of the undertaking. I didn’t really care.I packed an overnight bag with my personal effects and headed out into the day. 52 festive Road lay smack in the middle of a row of back to back terraces in a less than salubrious part of town. A number of properties were boarded and the rest in various states of dilapidation. Staring in through the cracked window of the living room I spied Solomon Parkes, he was dressed in a black masters gown with a mortar board on his head. It was with some trepidation that I knocked on the door. He answered and greeted me in his best Queens English with its tinge of Scottish brogue.
“Simon dear fellow do come in, this is all very exciting isn’t it? I suppose you’re wondering about the garb, I had a lecture at the University this morning Temporal Travels with Physics, fascinating stuff.” His voice trailed off.
The room was dull grey and smelt of the 50’s and mothballs. It was sparsely furnished with a tattered old three piece suite; there was no TV in the room or anything else electrical for that matter, no pictures on the wall; no home comforts at all. Solomon led me by the arm to the hallway, he pulled back a dusty old rug to reveal a trap door. Pulling the bolt with some force, he opened the door outward to reveal a set of wooden steps leading down into a dark abyss.
“Don’t be fooled by the facade on the surface Simon, that’s just a ruse to deter the more curious of our neighbours. Beneath these stairs are where the miracles happen, you wait and see.”
I followed him down the stairs into the darkness, Solomon flicked a switch and a bank of fluorescent lights blinked into life.