On A Whim, Chapters 1 and 2

Girl w/anxiety and depression makes several life changes

Chapter 1:  Stella



“OMG!! PINKY, there’s a production company in town looking for extras for a film they are shooting right here in MOUNT PLEASENT,” I yelled.  “I can’t believe a big screen film is being shot here in this dinky town, Pinky – can you?  Did you know?  They are totally looking for extras for the film tomorrow at 9am, how cool is THAT?” 

I’ve always wanted to be an actress, unfortunately, anxiety has prevented me from doing anything about it, well that and I don’t know the first thing about what it takes to become an actress.  I mean, there has to be a certain “pattern” to follow, and what if you don’t want to move to Cali?  I’m pretty sure I could rock the actress gig. 

I have the ability to trick people into believing any emotion I want them to think I’m feeling – partially due to the fact that I’ve covered up my issues my entire life.  The only people who know are my sister Kay, Pinky and Carey, oh and Steve, my boyfriend.  They only know because there’s no way I could hide all my anxiety attacks and depression from them, they are the closest people to me. 

Petunia (for those who are friends or family or even somewhat acquaintances, Pinky) and Carey have been my friends since we all started volunteering at the no kill animal shelter 11 years ago when we were in high school, eventually we all moved into Pinky’s parents’ house when they downsized.  It’s been awesome always having someone around that I can be myself with, there aren’t many people I can say that about.

Since I started at the shelter, I worked my way up to become the director.  It doesn’t pay well, but it pays enough that I’m able to live a simple life and have the things I need.  That’s all I care about.

Pinky and Carey are still volunteers, but they both have fulltime jobs.  Pinky works in marketing and is fabulous at it.  She works really hard, but always finds time to help at the shelter.  Pinky is one of those people you are just drawn to.  She’s, oh, what is the word….charismatic.  You can’t help but adore her.   

Carey, he doesn’t work as hard, but he’s making his way.  He’s a blackjack dealer at a local casino.  His shift is constantly changing so his time at the shelter differs based on his work schedule.  Carey is, in a word, a smartass.  Doesn’t always have a lot to say, but when he doesn’t you need to understand that he means nothing by the salt he’s thrown at you.

I love them both dearly.

We live in a small town in Kansas.  It’s comfortable and picturesque, quaint I’d even call it. We aren’t far at all from bigger towns, so we have plenty of things to keep us occupied, without being so small the only thing to do is bar hop.

I love going to Broadway shows, singing and dancing ones are my favorite.  I’d love to try out for one of them, but I can’t sing to save my life. I can dance a jig like nobody’s business though. 

“Shut up Stell, that is AWESOME, we should take the morning off and head down there, see if we can get in on the extra action,” Pinky exclaimed. 

Stell – short for Estella.  Most of the time I go by Stella, but more often than not, people end up shortening it to Stell, like that “ah” is super difficult to pull out.  Doesn’t really matter, I take it as an endearment from those who are comfortable with me.

“Not in a million years, Pinky, I’d end up having a nervous fricken breakdown before we even got in line.”   

“Come on, you can take a chill pill, it won’t be that bad, and I’ll be there to help you if you get nervous.  What kind of extras are they looking for?”

“It says here,” looking back at the newspaper, “females and males needed as extras for dramatic film being shot in Mount Pleasant, must appear to look at least 21.  Please wear clothing fit for a nightclub,” I read from the paper.  “See, I’m already out, I don’t have any clothing fit for a nightclub.  Shuckey darn and stuff Pink.”

“Ya, because clothes are an issue, I have a closet full of things you can wear and if needed I can hem ‘em for you.  Come on, please, it sounds like so much fun, we never do anything fun anymore.  Let’s go raid my closet and if nothing appeals to you we’ll take that as a sign from the superstitious gods that we aren’t supposed to do this.” 

Pinky is quite a bit taller than me, and thin, but for the most part we can exchange dresses, skirts and tops.  My boobs are bigger than hers, but most tops aren’t a problem, so her suggestion of sponging from her closet isn’t from left field. 

Since the bulk of my job is to work directly with the animals, my wardrobe basically consists of jeans, tennis shoes and animal fund raising t-shirts.  The administrative portion I do from home, for the most part anyhow. 

“Gahhh, fine, let’s go, but seriously, if there isn’t anything I feel comfortable in, I’m not doing it.  Furthermore, if Steve doesn’t want me to, it’s out of the question.” 

Steve and I had been dating for about five years.  Six months of that were great, the last four and a half, not so much.  I don’t know how to layout a picture of Steve for you.  When I first saw him I thought – whoa, dude is hot.  Once I got to know him, not so much.  He’s tall, especially to my short, dark blonde/light brown hair and hazel eyes.  He’s a muscle head.  That really should have been a sign that I needed to steer clear of him.  We don’t spend a lot of time together because he’s always and I mean always at the gym, which is totally fine with me.  When we do spend time together, we don’t do anything because he never works, job hops, and I just don’t have the money to consistently spend on the two of us.

Neither Pinky or Carey like him.  He has a tendency to be very jealous and controlling.  I’ve completely shut down because of it, I’d rather not rock the boat by going out or making plans that don’t include him.  If he doesn’t want me to do something, I accept that as gospel because I’m afraid of what he’ll do if I choose to go out.  He gets a bit physical and it’s gotten progressively worse.  It’s just easier for everyone if I play by his rules. One time, I decided to go out with my girlfriends, we’d had a bit too much to drink, so I called him and asked if he would come pick us up and he said “no” and hung up on me.  The man is exasperating!

I give Steve a call, “Hey, did you know a movie is being filmed here?” 

“Yeah,” he says, “but I haven’t heard much about it, why?” 

“They are looking for extras and Pinky and I are thinking it’d be fun to head down there and see what it’s all about.” 

“Do you really think that’s a good idea Stella, I mean, I doubt you’ll even get a chance, everyone and their brother will be there, you know this town.” 

“I know, but Pinky really wants me to go with her, I won’t if you don’t want me to, but I thought it would be fun, and I never really do anything with Pinky anymore.”  I must have caught him off guard because he gave me the go ahead, on the condition that I call him to let him know what was going on throughout the day.  Unbelievable, the one time I’m hoping he’ll say no, he pulls this crap.

“Ok Pinky, let’s hit the closet, I got the A-Okay from Steve.  This is still dependent on me finding something I feel comfortable in, as you know if I wear anything too risqué Steve would have a conniption and accuse me of trying to hook up with someone.” 

I heard her sigh and mumble, “I don’t know why you don’t just dump that freak.”

Twenty minutes later, Pinky and I were still, remarkably, going through her dresses.  “You must have three months worth of clothes in here, don’t you ever get rid of anything?  No way, is that a hyper wear shirt?  Where did you even get that?  Hey, 1986 called, they want their clothes back,” I teased. 

If she looked in my closet, I’d be guilty of not having enough clothes.  I hate shopping and I rarely ever find anything that fits.  I’m short, 5’ even-steven, and I typically weigh about a hundred pounds.  Finding jeans that fit is virtually impossible, they always have to be hemmed.  Shirts tend to be an issue as well as I’m very fortunate in the woobie area, thank you so much daddy.  Not that he has boobs or anything, but the biggens run in his family. 

“Ah ha!  I found the perfect outfit, it even still has the tags on it!  I forgot all about this one, you have to try it on, it’s perfect for you.” 

Looking at Pinky with the dress hanging in front of her, I actually really liked it.  I proceeded to take off the PJs that I was lounging in while I had my Sunday morning coffee.  My Saturday and Sunday ritual, that I rarely deviated from was to get up, put my jammies on, I sleep in the buff, go out make a cup of coffee, if it’s Saturday, I turn on the ‘toons and space out until I wake up.  If it’s Sunday, I do the same except instead of ‘toons, I grab the paper and read.  Well, most of the sections anyway.  Ok, some of the sections, well, really just two, but the coupons are totally worth getting the paper.

I snatched the dress from her and put it on.  I don’t know what Pinky was thinking when she bought it, the dress was the perfect length for me, just above the knee.  There is no way in hell it would cover Pinkies base.  While it was a bit big in the stomach, butt and thigh area, it fit well in the chest without making me feel ‘out to there’. 

I stood in the mirror admiring myself and Carey walked in.  “Holy shit Carey, hello, don’t you knock?  I could have been naked in here and you just barge marge in like you own the place.” 

Looking at Pinky with a grimace, then at me embarrassed, Carey apologized. “I didn’t know you were in here Stell, I thought it was just Pinky.” 

“Soooo, she could have been naked too!” 

Truth is, we’ve all been friends for so long, and living together gives us plenty of opportunities to see each other bare ass naked – but don’t tell Steve that, he’d so make me move.  To my advantage, I think he thinks Carey is gay; he’s never had a girlfriend that Steve knows of, in fact, come to think of it, I have rarely seen him with a girl, at least not for any length of time.  Anyway, I’m not going to say anything to make Steve think any differently, we kinda have that Three’s Company thing going on.

Our other roommate, Sylvia, my five-year old purr baby, is my pride and joy.  I rescued her shortly after Steve and I started dating.  She’s always by my side, especially when Steve goes off the deep end.  I’m terrified that there’s going to come a day when he hurts her just to hurt me.  I don’t know what I’d do, she’s everything to me.  I totally love her, even more than I do Steve, and I think he knows it.  She reads my mood like I read the paper.  I swear, animals have a sixth sense.  I don’t often say this out loud, but I have more affection for animals than I do most people.

“You look nice Stell, what’s the occasion?” 

Excitedly, Pinky starts telling Carey about the casting call, “and I talked Stella into going with me.  You wanna come, it’ll be fun!  Just think what a blast we’ll have if we all get put in the movie.” 

Making a face, Carey said “no way, you won’t catch me within a mile of that place, there’s gonna be a gazillion people there.” 

“Aw crap, see Pinky, I really don’t think I can do this.”  Pinky shoots Carey a look and says, “Nope, you already agreed to it, both your conditions have been met, you’re in whether you like it or not.” 

I’m hosed.  Pinky’s a shit, don’t tell her I said that.

 

Chapter 2:  Matt



“Remind me why we are here to film the nightclub scene,” I complained. 

“This is the perfect venue, an old fire station has been remodeled into a nightclub, four stories, fire pole included,” Jay, the director of the film explained.  “It’s great, people from all around flock to the place.” 

“How did you even hear about it, it’s not like, Mount Pleasant is it, is any kind of tourist attraction.” 

“My cousin lives in the area and told me about it, it sounded intriguing.  I had to come and see it for myself and I knew immediately I had to film here,” Jay said. 

“Whatever, how long will we be here,” I asked.

It’s not like I haven’t filmed in small towns before, in fact, I really don’t mind it.  People tend to stay away from you and are incredibly polite when asking for an autograph or picture.  I don’t know why I’m feeling frustrated, maybe it’s because it reminds me of home, which reminds me of my dad.  With that thought, I realized I haven’t called my mom for quite a while, she’s probably worried sick, I better call right now or I’ll end up forgetting for another month.

“Hey mom, how are you,” I asked hesitantly, not sure how she’s going to react to my not calling.  She purposely doesn’t call me because she knows how busy my schedule is, especially when I’m filming and ‘bonus’ she can use it as a weapon against me when she wants something.  You know, ‘you never call me’ or ‘it would be nice to get a call once in a while’, with one of those things said, she gets me to do what she wants. 

We talk for a while and she tells me about everything going on at home.  In a small way I miss the simple life, but there is no way I could live there after what happened.  Besides, I’ve known all my life I wanted to be an actor, it wasn’t going to happen if I didn’t move to LA.

LA, what can I say about LA?  The weather is beautiful, the consistent action is amazing, and the women, well, let’s just say there is never a need to go home alone if you don’t want to. 

I’ve been out here for ten years.  The time has flown by.  It’s been a lot of fun, sometimes too much fun and too many ladies.  I don’t like to think of myself as a man ho, but, if the shoe fits.

I’ve never been in a serious relationship, not because I don’t want one, it’s just never happened.  I would like to meet someone that I can spend more time with.  Someone to talk to, share life with.  It’s hard to know if women are with you because you are an actor, or are with you so they can say they’ve been with you or which ones are truly worth an effort.

You hear all the stories about people moving to LA to fulfill their dreams of being famous, and then paying their dues for years before landing their big break.  I lucked out, I immediately got my big break via a role on a soap opera. 

Lucky or not, I have never had a problem getting jobs or with the softer sex.  I’m not cocky, it was luck of the draw, I had no control over it.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m incredibly thankful I have the looks I do, it’s opened many doors for me.

Never having been in a serious relationship, I’m not sure I know how to be in one.  I’d like to try, life can get pretty lonely when it’s just you and your dog day in and day out. 

Thankfully Jed, my dog, loves me unconditionally, as they say, he’s my best friend.  He’s a yellow lab, and I swear he lives for me.  The friendliest dog you’ll ever meet.

When I’m shooting I bring him with me, it’s a requirement to provide accommodations for Jed, per my contract if anyone wants me to be in their movie.  He’s my sanity when things get all screwed up in my life.  It’s like he understands me and my moods. 

When I’m angry he’ll do something so funny and I’ll forget why I’m upset.  When I’m sad, he’ll lay his head on my shoulder and look at me with his big brown eyes like he’s saying “I understand and I’m here for you.”  If I’m sick, he’ll lie next to me until I get better, doesn’t bother me to play or ask to be given an extra bits of attention.  He’s the perfect buddy.