Show, don't tell - a work in progress

Show, don’t tell – a work in progress

I am struggling with a case where setting plays a role, not as a mere back-drop but when it shapes our thoughts, feelings and mood? Accompany me on the journey and let me know you thoughts?
Here’s what I did so far (or tried to do):

1. Give yourself permission to write badly

Here’s something I wrote earlier:

When we left our house that beautiful summer day I had no idea what was in store for me.

2. Be specific, add details.

When mom and dad and I left our red brick-house with its white framed Victorian windows headed for our gleaming black BMW, I had no idea what to expect. I felt the sun warm on my face and body, smelled the violet lilac, heard the birds thrilling and twittering in the green hedge.

3. Dramatize!

When mom and dad bustled me out of our red brick-house with its white framed Victorian windows towards our gleaming black BMW, I had no idea what to expect. But then: Boom: I felt the sun’s hug. I threw my head back and my arms wide, rising on tip-toes and smiled, eyes closed, feeling the sun’s warmth on my face and body. Boom: I smelled the violet lilac, heard the birds thrilling and twittering in the green hedge. Things were perfect. Nothing that needed changing.

4. Weed out adjectives, adverbs, qualifiers, verbs that indicate sense experience like feel, hear etc.

When mom and dad bustled me out of our red brick-house with its white framed Victorian windows towards our gleaming black BMW, I had no idea what to expect. But then: Boom: sun-hug. I threw my head back and my arms wide, rising on tip-toes and smiled, eyes closed. The sun’s warmth engulfed my face and body. When I opened my eyes, the lilac was booming too, blooming. Its heady perfume made me whoozy-violet. Thrilling and twittering erupted from the greening hedge. Things were perfect. Nothing that needed changing.

apply motivation and reaction micro-structure

5. Organize the text in logical order objective motivation and subjective reaction (in the order feeling, reflex/instinct, rational action, speech)

I treat thought like speech, if it informs rational action it goes before the action, if it is an internal comment or after-thought, it goes after.
See this excellent article in the world http://www.advancedfictionwriting.com/articles/writing-the-perfect-scene/

Mom and dad bustled me out of our red brick-house with its white framed Victorian windows towards our gleaming black BMW.
I had no idea what to expect.
Then: Boom: sun-hug.
I threw my head back and my arms wide, rising on tip-toes and smiled, eyes closed.
The sun’s warmth engulfed my face and body.
I opened my eyes.
The lilac was booming too, blooming.
I drank in its heady perfume.
Whoozy-violet.
Thrilling and twittering erupted from the greening hedge.
Things were perfect. Nothing that needed changing.

What do you think? Any comments or suggestions welcome