Longing

I long for when I would wake up in the morning and all I could think about was my schedule for the day. Wake up go to homeroom, do personal hygiene things, eat breakfast, and plan for the day. My days usually consisted of doing a class, doing house work, cooking. Then all of a sudden I’d wake up, do homeroom, and then sleep. All of a sudden I stopped planning for my day. All I do is sleep. I long for when I had my life together. For when I would wake up in the mornings and have drive to exercise, or clean, or cook, or just do school. It makes me sad because those things made me so happy and I am so off track now. I can’t find my way back. When did I get so lost? Why? My dad asks me if I need help if there’s “something” he can do. I know he just wants me to be better, to be who I am. But really who am I? I don’t know. I have no idea at all. Lately I have been feeling so far away and I have no idea at all why this sadness has swept over me. Every day I tell myself today will be better but it’s not. I sit at my desk with no distraction but my head. I ask myself what I can do to make myself feel better. To make me come back. But what is there to do? What do you do when you just leave your body? When you wake up one morning and your just not yourself. And then one morning turns into two which turns in three and then turns into weeks. You cry and you just wish for when you were so happy and at peace. You get up and try to make an effort. Or maybe you think your making effort but your really aren’t. Have you ever been so good as something you just wanted to give up. I don’t get the same satisfaction from school anymore. I don’t why I don’t know why I lost my love for getting an education. I just want it to come back. I just want to be me again. I don’t want to be sad, or behind, or anything but me. I just want to be 17-erh 18. Yeah I keep forgetting I’m 18 now. I’m 18 and faltering. I don’t want to do anything and I want to do everything. I long for all of this stuff to happen. And it’s not that I don’t want to do the work it’s as if I don’t know how or I feel like something is getting in the way. But the thing is there is nothing in my way at all. The only thing in my way is me. Me and my over analyzing, over worrying, over everything. I fear the worst and nothing but the best has happened to me. Not the best but you know what I mean. I can’t calm my mind down. I’ve been trying for years to find my inner peace but it’s as if it doesn’t want to be found. I guess I long for peace and happiness and somewhere along the way I lost that from own life. Maybe I need to pick up a new hobby or skill. I long for a resolution.