Guilt is the Source of Sorrows

Friday, August 4

It was a better day today. I have started to make progress. Maybe I hit rock bottom at the hospital and now there is no where else to go but up. I feel like it shouldn’t be okay this fast, but I definitely feel better than yesterday and the few days before that. I still don’t want to talk to anyone or go out, but this is just the beginning of a long and hard journey to the top. I don’t want to be a burden in people’s lives anymore. I will strive to become a key component in life like I was before all of this happened.
Now, I say that I feel better, but I haven’t been into work, I haven’t gone to the store, I haven’t cleaned my house, and I haven’t cooked myself a full meal. I am not showing that I am better. My friends have called to tell me they miss me, but I don’t answer. I am not in any sort of mood to talk to people. Some friends have gotten around it by bringing me a premade meal. Though I appreciate it, I am just trying to avoid any social situations. I know my friends are only going this far because they care about me and are concerned that I am not healthy, but I wish they understood how I felt. Don’t get me wrong, I am trying to reach out. Heck, my friends are the ones that pointed me in the direction of therapy in the first place. I wouldn’t go if I wasn’t making an effort to get better. I am not going to sit here and wallow in my own self pity.
My best friend Theo agreed to come to my house and make sure I am getting ready and then he drives me to therapy. He is my closest friend. His company is the only company I have appreciated this far. He gets me better than the others. He doesn’t expect me to get 100 percent better in the next few days. He is understanding. He is careful. He is kind to me.
This is all I ask for from the others, but it turns out, a group of 25 year old guys who just want to party don’t understand emotions. It is so hard to deal with. I feel like I am being rude, and that is not my intention. You see, I am a kind person. I am usually very sweet and approachable, but accidents like mine can screw up a lot in a person’s mind. It is hard to bounce back from that.
I ended up learning a lot about who I am though. I learned much more about myself during my hospital time and the few days before I went to therapy than I have in the last 10 years of my life. Maybe even more. I have never felt so good with myself, but upset with myself at the same time. These emotions make no sense. I am just getting more and more confused with every second I think about it. I can’t let myself fall behind. I can’t let myself get caught up in the old emotions. I need to focus on getting better. I need to focus on one emotion. Happiness.

-Nicholas