The unraveling

There were white sheets, white curtains, jay, my husband. He was next to me, legs propped up, reading on the iPad. I didn't know what time or day it was.. It was cloudy and it peeked in through the blackout curtains at the bottom. It had to be mid day however, but I wasn't so sure of anything anymore.

Jay... My voice was cracked, lips dry and flaky.. My voice felt as it hadn't been used In centuries.
He rose, as if startled.. And looked at me. There was a bottle of water on the nightstand next to me, I generously took a gulp then sat up.

Nik... His lips smiled,
he looked beautiful. Dreads pulled back, in a white t shirt, black boxers...just looking at me.

(Let's see how long it's been)

How long was it this time? I asked. I was always afraid to ask.. It had been getting longer and longer each time. The episodes... I would go inside my head and become someone else . Mostly I would take it out on jay ... I would have no memory of these events. My medications sat unused and untaken. I hadn't wanted to depend on drugs for stability. The sad truth always remained the same. I was too sick to be off of medication. Schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, severe depression, crippling anxiety and trust issues. Abuse had shattered my already fragile being. Now I was nothing but a shell and I had never known happiness or love, until I had met jayson Pirelli. Jay was my caretaker and husband and I drifted so much that I never knew what day it was or what time. Every day was the same. Torture with a little light at the end.

I was extremely aware that I needed therapy and medications but I didn't take them. I was an emotional mess..
A week.. I called your job for you. Told them you wouldn't be in.

Jay... I began.

He looked at me again, smiled, kissed my forehead. My head was never really quiet. I often wondered what it would be like to be normal and not have these problems. In spite of my ruined mental state, I had jay. We had been married 4 years and 4 years they had been crazy. We had met when I was 26, he had been just 5 years older than I. I had never been normal, but I wasn't this messed up.. I began to slowly unravel at the seams.. I picked fights out of nowhere, hit jay, I couldn't stop these self destructive behaviors.. Jay had threatened to leave if I didn't get help.. He had me committed 3 times already but always took me back. I wondered why. So much that the thoughts became obsessive . It was hard to pay attention to anything outside of my head. I refused therapy but took medications deep inside, I was miserable . I had gone through so much since I had met him, and before . Now I was only a shell of myself and we stayed inside all day. I was afraid to leave half of the time and jay worked nights . Many of times I had called him and work and begged him to come back home just because I was lonely, or the voices got too loud . My car sat unused... I had no one but him .
(But I am concerned..! Why have I been asleep a week? I probably hadn't been asleep though. Maybe just going crazy)
Jay seemed to sense my anxiety.
Don't say anything .how about breakfast? I'll take you out .

I agreed to it , even though the possibility of us dying in a fiery crash or getting shot plagued me. I had to remind myself that they were only thoughts .
He stayed in bed while I rose and looked at myself. My hair had grown of course. (Not over the course of the last week but the last 4 years, I Hadn't been focused on grooming myself) . It was big and curly.. I undressed, looked at myself.. Ribs showing , hip bones jutting out.. I looked like a child . I stepped on the scale ... 104 pounds was too small. I was 5'8. I showered long and hard, dried off and slipped on a pair of harem pants and a white t shirt.
Jay came in just as I was brushing my teeth.

Jayson .. Was I really asleep for a week?

No. You were really lucid though and I doubt you would remember anything that actually happened.. I fed you and bathed you and changed your clothes but you were pretty out of it..I think you should think about quitting your job.. You can't work like you used to.. He said hesitantly. He looked into my eyes, then ran a calloused hand over my shoulder.

(He wants to put you in a home! He doesn't trust you!)

Don't put me in a home jay.. Please don't . I began

I won't do that Nicole, I promise.

Jay,!why are you still here ? I asked

Besides loving you? I need to be here for you. No one else is.. Did you dream about anything that you can remember?

Just the fire.. I began .

The fire.. He washed his face and turned on his electric shaver . I envied him . I wished that I didn't have these mental problems.. He didn't . He was normal. He had a touch of ptsd from being a marine, but he had been the one to seek counselling as soon as it happened . He had been out of the military for almost 10 years . Besides that, no history of illness, just parents , who had pushed him to be everything he could be . He had gotten good grades, graduated with honours, then went to the military where he has been a sergeant. Fighting in the Italian war where he has been hit by an iud and lost his leg below the knee. We had met, at the gym. I used to take a yoga class every weds and Saturday. He had followed me with those hazel eyes for 2 years then one day, he finally asked me out. I thought I had bombed the first date . Besides the fact that I had spilled a drink on myself because of nervousness, he was the perfect gentleman.. We fell for one another at an alarmingly fast rate. In a year I had moved ln, and marriage soon followed, but the the demon in me came out.. Telling lies, starting fights, jealousy and just plain stupid things I had done. I didn't have friends, I was isolated from society.. Jay worked while I kept up the house and lived in my head.. The only thing that made my mind clear, was him. The thoughts stopped running by so fAst, I needed him... I had asked him why he wanted to marry me.

It's not only for love Nicole, it's because I need to take care of you.. My VA benefits can help,
whatever is wrong with you.. I'd like to be here, forever if I could...

I had said yes. I wanted jay too but I was worried. If he ever left me. Or died first I would go off the deep end. Having nothing to love or live for would make me go mad. I'd have to be committed ..or worse, suicide. I had tried 5 times before, the scars on my wrists were ugly and thick. Looking at them gave me flashbacks, so I had tattooed over them.
I snapped back to my sad reality.. Jay had pulled on a button up and dark blue jeans, dreads pulled back. I looked at him.
Ready?

I pulled on my sandals and we hopped in his mustang.
We went to a small diner.. I had a Ruben and fries.

You look beautiful today. He said, wiping my lips.
That made me smile.

Jay had addictions.. He liked coke. The Military, he had said. He said it helped the pAin.. His leg hurt him constantly. Coke and alcohol.. I was ok with it. Besides, why wouldn't I be? He paid for breakfast then we took a drive to pick some up. I partook with him from time to time. Coke didn't make my thoughts race.. He bought an ounce. Sniffed some in the car then wiped his nose.

It feels so good.. He said quietly . He took a shot of whiskey, then tilted his head back so that he could catch a drain.

On the coke jay would talk about his life sometimes.. But I never discussed mine and I always wondered if he was bothered. In every other area of life, we were open books with one another. Psychical and emotional needs, personal things about each other.. I just avoided discussing my life before us. It was so painful. All the walls that I threw up. Jay was always trying to climb them.. One day I would let him.
He kissed my lips gently, then we were off...

I woke up again to a quiet dark house. My heart started beating fast.

Jay!!! Jay!!

I heard his feet, uneven steps because of the prosthetic.
What's wrong? He asked.

Nothing. I thought you weren't here..

Just downstairs watching the eagles game.. Here.. He slipped a pill into my mouth, gave me a sip of wine.

Sleep came next. Sweet sleep, the only time I didn't hurt. He kept these Medications for me . They helped the anxiety, the paranoid thoughts . I needed jay so much.

I woke up hours later.. In permanent agony. The pills helped somewhat, but I. Couldn't sleep my life away. They only worked to calm me and bring about sleep. Other drugs helped ease my mind. Jay was smoking a joint when I came downstairs . His prosthetic was off. He looked to be in pain. He looked at me in surprise, then moved over to allow me to sit.

Do you want me to rub it? I asked.

Please.

I sat next to him on the couch, gently touched the stump and he flinched ever so gently.

(I love to make him feel good..)

Shhh.. I soothed him, kissed his forehead. I let my hands gently knead and rub. I had gone to school for massage therapy. I was licensed.. His Breath became deeper, he relaxed and completely gave himself to me. Eyes closed, he puffed the joint . I watched the game .

I'll take off tonight.

He worked 4 12 hour shifts every other week and 3 12 hour shifts the other week. Every once in awhile he would work 24 hours straight. We spent a lot of time together. I spent a lot of time in bed... My muscles had become weak.

Good. I'd like to sleep next to you. I'll order in.

We woke up much later, jay completely relaxed and I was groggy, caught halfway between sleep and wakefulness.
My leg feels much better.. He said.

You hungry?

What did you order?

I don't remember.. I'll check.

I had ordered Chinese. I fixed us both a bowl and brought them up.

You're so good to me.. Jay began.

It's not only because I love you..

But You try to leave me Nicole ... Not even your moods can push me away

But I'm never leaving you.. Jay you're, everything.

He kissed my lips gently, we laid down after dinner.

I woke up to white noise in my head. I was alone so I knew that I wasn't here. I wanted jay. He would make it alright and hold my hand. I could see him though, miles away yet next to me. I ran a hand over his hair.. He didn't respond. I didn't expect him to. I saw the fire again. Smelled the burning wood and the charred remains... It was just a dark shape. I wanted anyone to save me. This fiery nightmare. How would I get out? What if I burned too?
I woke up confused. Jay was here.. I was back but now it was after 7 am. I had drifted for hours. I watched his chest rise and fall. So beautiful , so sexy. I rose slowly and crossed the room. I kept all of my workout clothes in the dresser.,I pulled on shorts, long leggings on top and a tank top underneath a sweatshirt. Nike airmax jay had bought last winter, never worn. I kissed his lips, then washed my face, pulled my hair back.
Oh I didn't go out much anymore! I hadn't gone for a walk in months. My legs felt like spaghetti. I grabbed my keys and a water and left my nest. I felt so naked and unprotected away from home.. The air was cool and swirled around me. It even smelled fresh. I walked until my mind was clear. Nothing plagued me. There was a corner market open. I popped in and got some fruits, a loaf of fresh bread... Butter and muffins. I had left the phone at home, but I didn't mind.
Jay was awake when I got there. He looked at me in surprise.
You went for a walk..

Yes dearest.. I needed the air.

You left your phone Nikki...? You can't do that. I was worried.. Sick.

I'm sorry. I didn't realize that I hadn't had it with me. I hated these conversations. These conversations made me angry with Jay. Why he treated me like a child? I was 30 years old!

You're sick . The thought of you leaving me .. I can't even fathom that, nor do I want to. Just because I'd still live on doesn't mean I want it, that I like it. I saw his side however, it wasn't him wanting to control me, it was sincere concern. Without my medications I couldn't function... I hated that. I hated that I needed to depend on pills to do things Normal people didn't even have to think of.

I'm sorry jay . I began.

He crossed the room and hugged me deeply , kissed my forehead softly. Nicole ...
He didn't have his prosthetic on, just the crutches.

I won't do that again.. I had a bad dream about the fire and I thought a walk would help.

Did it? He asked.

Very much... I wore these cute leggings too!
Jay smiled, then looked at me .

You almost sound like you would have years ago.. He got a nostalgic smile on his face, then looked at me.

I felt helpless often. Like this mind sickness made me crazy. I couldn't really work, I never got punished for missing this much work because of my disability. They paid for me.. Jay though, he didn't deserve this. I felt like I was wasting his life, but he had told me that he was finished looking.

Nik.. Baby I'm not going anywhere. I've chosen you to share my life with. I don't want to be a divorcee, I don't want to look for another woman. I know that I don't have a mind like yours but I have addictions, and one leg. My looks were the only thing that attracted women to me, but when I got hurt it all went out the window. Nobody wanted a disabled man. I can walk and even run but i didn't want kids. I'm so glad that you don't either .. I'm so glad that the both of us are here , and together .. For you to love me like you do, in spite of your illness is fascinating.

Jay dear, I loved you before You knew it, before I knew it... I've been told that nothing will help me. I'll be like this forever but you still love me. The only thing that really scares me is dying without you, living without you.

We kissed once more , then I headed up stairs and peeled off my clothes .

I'm gonna do a line, then I'll be up..

By the time I got out of the shower jay was high. He was in bed with the covers pulled to his waist . He was very sexy. I loved his features and the way his body looked. I had been surprised when he asked me out for I didn't think that I was his type .

Babe.. Come on and lie down..

I felt good tonight too. I had done a bump in the bathroom before my shower. I slipped out of my robe, and stood before him stark naked. The way that his eyes followed me made me feel like the first time again .

Come here... His voice, deep and lovely called to me again. He looked so delicious. I laid next to him and kissed his lips gently. The beard was growing back. He gently grabbed my waist, then set me on top of him. I could feel him already, on my leg.
It's not just the coke...

You got my dick hard..

He whispered into my ear before kissing it.
Sex between us was pretty non existent. Between my birth control, anti depressants, and tranqs, I had no sex drive. Jay was extremely cool about it. It's not like I didn't want to sleep with him. It was quite the opposite. I regularly fantasized about jay and his sex. We had never been one of those couples to fuck one another's brains out though. Once a month wasn't too bad, but with recent events it had been over 4 months since he has last touched me. He kissed me again, and ran a hand through my hair .
I've missed you...

Another kiss , this time on my neck. It felt so good to be like this , with him. It had been so long. It felt like the first time again. He grabbed the jelly from the nightstand and smoothed it over himself, then entered me. Jay was large, but I sound found his rhythm, and mine. I moaned gently as he touched my body, the part about one leg never mattered when we had sex. He was so flexible and agile. We kissed deeply, then deeper , with jay running a hand through my hair. It didn't take long for him this time, inside I felt his juices combine with mine and we came together . Jay wanted more though, this I knew. When he was on the coke he wanted to go for hours . I completely gave myself to him.. He pulled me closer. Another kiss, so soft. Coke did amazing things. His dick remained hard.i stayed wet. Sex on coke was better than being high on Vicodin.
I realized that we really needed one another. In this world , we were all we had. I didn't have family. I had always managed to avoid taking about them. Jay wanted to know though.. I know that he wanted to know. I would tell him.. Someday. Until then, jay pulled my hair softly then kissed me again.

Let me take advantage of this.. He whispered into my ear.

I knew what he meant. Just for once, he wanted to enjoy me all night without interruption. To touch me and taste as he pleased. As long as he was high, he would go forever.

Of course.. I replied softly.

I felt bad that this illness ran my life, but I couldn't remember life before. Jay would get it done with one leg or 2. He turned me around, and entered me from the back. The way that he felt, I felt my breath come out in a shaky gasp. The way that he felt against me was amazing. Jay grabbed a handful of my hair and pulled, I like it rough. His surprise had been very evident the first time we had sex. He want slow and softer, for he was large and could hurt me if he went too deep and fast. His sweat dripped, and landed on my back but I didn't complain. This was all for jay. He was so good to me, throughout everything... I felt myself lose control as well, but I wanted more. I didn't want him to stop.

Hours later I woke up next to jay. He was fast asleep. I moved closer to him, and he threw an arm around my waist. I just laid and stared into the darkness, wondering when and where I had gone wrong. I tried to block everything out but the thoughts would often come racing back at the worst times. The medicine greatly controlled me, but not all of the time. I never wanted to be like this, 30 and completely reliant on someone else. I couldn't live alone. I couldn't work. I tired not to think about it negatively, jay didn't. He took care of me but who was there to take care of him? I never had a chance to think about he felt in all of this. My episodes, and blackouts and the constant fatigue. I felt 40 years older than my age. I figured that he felt at least 60 years older!

I know you aren't asleep.. His voice cut through the dark air.

I can't sleep...

Do you want to talk about it? He asked.

Jay... Did you ever want to leave? I asked.

He sighed deeply, then turned so that he faced the wall. I knew that he did that when he had something on his mind, or was revealing yet another side of himself that I hadn't yet seen..

Yeah.. In the beginning. I wondered what the
. hell I had gotten myself into. You told me though..
About your episodes and the medications. I don't really k ow you and I hate that.. I married you but I know nothing about you. You won't tell me... I always wonder if you shared these things with the other guys .

Other guys? I asked.
A chuckle came out next and jay turned around.

Sure.. Like other boyfriends? Didn't you have others?

Not other boyfriends jay.. Just other men. They didn't mean anything. It was.. Like a fuck thing. I was in college.

Have you been like this forever? He asked.

He had clicked on the lamp on the nightstand. We could clearly see one another's expression. He was deeply intrigued. I had never seen that look on his face before.

No. I mean I was normal I guess ... Earlier. When I was 10 there was a fire and it killed my entire family. The only one that got out alive was me and that was because I started it.. I grew quiet, then jay looked at me. He closed his eyes for a second.. I knew that meant he was thinking carefully about what to say next. He took a sip from the beer that was sitting on the nightstand and ran a hand through his dreads.
You killed your family? And you were 10? Why didn't you ever tell me? Pity filled his eyes but I didn't feel angry at him...
He was a human. He could feel these things.

I didn't want you to think I was crazy.. I didn't want to ruin our relationship but they were a foster family jay. I don't know who I'm from... Nor where. So this family adopted me when I was 4. Terrible dirty white people. I was starved and beaten and even molested by the father. They were devout Christians.. I didn't grow right... Look at my back. I turned round to show him my twisted spine. I had worn a brace for 16 years, finally Able to stop the year I met jay. He was very quiet. He whispered into my ear.

Can I hold you?

I had never told anyone this about my life. My cold aloof attitude and distance never kept me from having relationships with men. It was just what they wanted. No strings.

Sure...

The Jay grabbed me round the waist and held me close.

So..I guess I had a psychotic episode when I burned the house down. I remember nothing about that night.. Only the smell of burned hair and the fact that I had no shoes on. I had to go to a psychiatric hospital until I turned 18... That wasn't bad compared to the family... 3 meals a day, hot showers and baths and clothes that fit me. I was even allowed to go out and garden. I had a fabulous garden by the time I left... I had a real green thumb. I could grow anything..

Jay remained quiet, but a flurry of activity had started in my brain. I wanted to tell him everything! I actually could.

But unfortunately it was still the early 2000'S. I got a lot of electro convulsive therapy... It like shocks you.. I hated that. They thought it helped me. They didn't really understand me though.. I wasn't a killer.. I had been tortured so bad that I had killed the family because I knew it was the only way out. That was the only way I would be free.. I saved the newspaper clippings from it... I was allowed to keep a small suitcase when I left the hospital...

Jay listened intently .. I could hear him, take another bump, a sigh, he completely relaxed next.

So after that? He asked.
The fact that he was fascinated by my story surprised me.. Who would enjoy this?

I was 18. I had a GED so I enrolled into the massage therapy school and worked in a spa for 6 years. Those were good years too. I like to make people feel at ease.. There was a distance between myself and my coworkers though. I never wanted to be touched, I never wanted to be close to anyone. I kept to myself.. There was a guy there that I messed around with.. Nothing serious but he couldn't take it. He wanted too much jay. He wanted me to tell him all about my life and meet my family. I told him that I had no family.. I belonged to no one and hat I was alone. He always tried to get me to go social functions.. To connect with others and I hated it. I get social anxiety. I broke things off and never spoke to him again.. But one night I stayed at the spa late with an elderly patient. When I was done with the patient Jared was still there.. He raped me then quit the next day.. I hadn't slept with anyone else until we got together.

Did you go after him? Jay asked.
I could hear the anger in his voice. If it were up to him he would snap Jarred's neck now.

I didn't. I worked there a few more months then applied at the post office.. There would be no customers. It was great then everything started to catch up with me.. My mind.. It got sick jay. I started fainting and having hallucinations and flashbacks... I had to commit myself.. They said that I suffered from depression, anxiety, PTSD from the rape and the murders.. Also schizophrenia.. I was put on so many medications.. I started to go to that gym we met at. A gym for federal employees and ex military.. I got into yoga... I hate that I'm plagued with all of these diseases.. I'll never be well and because I know nothing of my family I don't know what else will happen. That's why I always tell you.. I always have that you should leave. Where you're going to be able to be happy.. Have a regular wife.

I felt tears slip down my cheek, and jay turned me around so that I was facing him.

Who says I'm not happy?

He kissed my lips softly then ran a hand through my hair.
How can you be?

I have mounds and mounds of Coke. He joked.

Really jay...

Wouldn't you still love me and want to be married to me if I was mentally ill? He asked.

Of course.. You don't even have to ask that..
So why would you assume that I wpuldnt do the same? That I wouldn't be here forever?

No one marries murderers and damaged women..
I began, with my voice barely above a whisper.

No one marries disabled Coke addicted vets either... He stated.

Jay...

My point is that you love who you love. Sure I could leave but I wouldn't find anyone else like you.. I'd spend the rest of my days sniffing Coke and betting on sports games.. There would be nothing to live for, no one to look forward to seeing.. That's why I've got to die first. If you die first I'll go crazy.. See you don't get it and you probably won't any time soon.. I enjoy taking care of you.. My parents have lasted through everything together. My leg getting blown off, mike getting killed, my dads dementia is taking a toll on her but they're still together. That's love ash.. You don't just leave people you love... The only reason I'd ever divorce you I'd if you cheated.. There would be no more trust... I was quiet for awhile as I allowed my mind to process all of this information.

Tell me what you thought when you first saw me... I began.

I had never asked him what attracted me to him. We had met in the gym, never holding a conversation before he had asked me out for a drink.

Your legs... Where I do the leg press is the perfect spot to peek into the yoga studio.. You had like, amazing flexibility... Your hair was wild and curly and purple in the back and in a bun and you always wore backless shirts and the most creative leggings... He began
. I was afraid to look at his face, afraid that I would start crying.. Afraid that the love would overtake me.

Then.. You would always go shower afterwards and get a strawberry shake from the bar.. Your ass was perfect. You didn't wear rings on your fingers, just that gold wishbone necklace.. You were so delicate, but so rough. The tattoos on your wrists...

(Those were from suicide attempts.. 5.)

I wanted to get to k ow you so bad but I couldn't find the words. Instead I watched you every day that I could. I wasn't dating anyone.. After my leg accident women started treating me like an invalid.. Like my dick didn't work because I was missing half a leg.. Anyway.. You.. You I wanted to get close to..

Why didn't you ever say anything before?

How could someone like you be single? All I had was your physical appearance to go on and that was beautiful.. Men weren't lining up!?

I kept them away.. I said as my voice broke.

I hadn't counted on jay being attracted to me like that! He used to and still did tell me that I was beautiful... But I never quite believed it.

Men never lined up like that.. I began.

I watched you though.. I was a sharpshooter in the military. Trained eyes.. I could see like a bird.. I watched you. I never went as far as stalking you or following you.. Just really going to the gym.. Any chance i could get to see you. I really waited so long because I didn't want to be shot down. You probably never noticed me! He exclaimed.

Of course I did.. You were really ripped then. Nice legs, brown skin.. Dreads and hazel eyes. I thought that you were one of those cocky guys. You always used to stare at me... You can't think that I never saw your eyes jay. They crept, not like it was uncomfortable or creepy or anything.. Then you asked me for a drink...

I really wanted to get to know you, but all you did was put up brick walls.. I almost wanted to stop calling.

I was taken aback, I had no idea that jay had ever felt like that.
I would have just taken it as a loss.. But you started to slip about a year into our relationship. Remember.. That first time I had you committed?

I couldn't though. I had no recollection of the event that had taken place. Only that I had woken up in a hospital chained to the bed, and jay wasn't there. I had screamed for him until I was sedated again.

You busted out all the windows on my bmw, then you slit your wrists with the glass.. I thought you were going to bleed out in my driveway. At that time you were still living alone. I no longer trusted you with yourself.. I had you committed. While you were inside I started using a lot more.. I won't blame you though. It was the stress.. My dad started getting sick around that time too..like he couldn't remember me. That really crushed me.

I remained quiet, but jay continued on.

I started to break down inside Ashley... Like really bad. You weren't there, my dad didn't know who the hell I was, life was damn near over.

Our first year... I had caused so much pain. I couldn't bear it, to hurt jay that way.

Jay, I'm so sorry.. Why didn't you ever tell me?

Why would I? You were healing then... You were so fragile that I was afraid you would break even if I hugged you too tightly.

I looked at jay, who looked so youthful and happy despite the battles he was fighting internally.

I blamed myself for your breakdown. Maybe I had done or said something wrong? Maybe it was I who had pushed. My mom came to see you as often as she could.

Why didn't you ever come see me? I asked. I hadn't forgotten my stay in the hospital, just what had put me there. That was the first time.. There would be two others.

I didn't know what to say. We... Were newlyweds then... My mom finally made me come one day. You started crying and asked where I had been..

You wouldn't tell me.. I asked you if there was someone else. I told you that you could leave if you couldn't handle me..

But I didn't want to tell you I was afraid of it happening again.

Let's go out to dinner tonight.. I placed a hand on his face, then rose out of bed. It was only 3 am, but there were places where we could go to get a meal. I used to be Into fashion like crazy, then my back started hurting me again last year. The brace hadn't really helped. The discs were degenerating. I was stiff and could barely move sometimes. The Coke and the Vicodin and jay. That was all I needed to be happy. His needs mirrored mine. The Coke, the OxyContin, and me. We were addicted to each other, and to the killing of the pain.
Now? He rose as well, and grabbed onto the dresser as he slipped his leg on. He had shown me the stump more than once, but he usually kept it covered.
I'm hungry..

That's a first. You've been barely eating as of late . What do you have a taste for? He asked.
He grimaced a bit as he slipped on a pair of socks, then sweats.
Steak and shrimp.

I know a place.

I hunted around in the closet for something decent. I was a size 0 but even those clothes were loose on me. I didn't feel sexy anymore because of the weight loss... Stress and pain beat on my body like nothing else ever had. The only thing that kept growing was my hair.
Jay waited patiently as I searched, finally deciding on a black laced bodysuit and a pair of skinny pants with boots.
You look amazing.. He said with a smile.
I usually wore my hair in a bun, or out. I didn't feel as though I needed to style it dramatically, I dressed dramatically enough.
Finally ready half an hour later, we left.

Jay had gone and bought a new bmw after I had totaled the old one. It was a black 745 with tinted windows and huge vogues. He said that with me in the passenger seat with him, he felt like a king. I felt bad because he had bought me a new mustang in 2012 and had paid cash for it. I barely drove it but he still maintained it for me. I wasn't religious at all but if Angels existed, jay had certainly been born in heaven.
Jay rested his hand on my thigh as we cruised, with that little smile stuck on his face. I wanted to ask him what was up. We were already married. We had gone to eat the night he asked me to marry him and the large group of people had frightened the hell out of me so much that I had ran out. Once jay had explained everything, I calmed down and accepted the ring.
I finally know you.. It's like the most beautiful thing ever. He said as we turned into Henry's, my favorite 24 hour diner.

I'm glad that I was able to share myself with you. I was so afraid of what you would think... I began.

I had taken an Ativan right before we had left the house, and now I was relaxed, but not sleepy.
Jay came to my side of the car, and opened the door for me before giving me his arm. He was a sight to see, so beautiful and statuesque. He never asked for anything from me but loyalty. I liked that about him.

You cannot be afraid like that your whole life.. To share. Not everyone will hurt you.

He brushed a blonde streaked curl from my face, and kissed my lips again.

How do I know that you won't hurt me?

I don't know.. Have I ever hurt you? If I did it was never intentional...

You hurt me when you didn't come to see me while I was committed.. It's something I have never forgiven you for.

Jay looked into my eyes, which were threatening to spill over, and wiped them for me.

It wasn't like that.. I wanted to see you everyday, to hold you and to have you back in my bed or in my house doing what you did. Buzzing around and cooking, reading books, even leaving your hairbrush in my bathroom . But I couldn't.. You hurt yourself in my presence.. In my driveway. The cops put a restraining order against me.. I kept that part from mom and just made up things .. Made up that I had work and that I had things to do. In reality, it was to protect you. When the cops were called they took your side Nicole.

I was completely surprised.. I had never been told that part because jay hadn't wanted me to know. It was myself that had kept him from me.

You told them that I had been beating you and all sorts or things that weren't true..

He pulled away ever so slightly and wiped my eyes for me again. Once again I had been wrong. The destroyer in this relationship was me.. Everything, had been me.

Jay..

Let's just go eat. I could feel the tension between us and all I wanted to do was hide now. Hide somewhere where I couldn't see Jay and couldn't hurt him anymore.

By now my appetite had diminished, but I didn't want to hurt him anymore. We were showed a booth in the corner. We both sat down and jay looked at me. His eyes were red rimmed. Tears that hadn't fallen yet.

I know you didn't mean it.. I know that you weren't yourself but your actions have drastically changed the dynamics of our marriage. I almost hated you.. Until I found out what you were going through but that's never made me forget about the things you've said.. Remember this?
Jay lifted his arm so that I could see the scar. 5 inches.. That day when I had busted all his windows.. He had apparently tried to subdue me, but I had got him with the glass.
I stared into my wine glass as if it could tell the future, and another tear threatened to fall.

It's not to make you cry. He whispered, lifting my chin.
I saw the waiter do a quick turn around and head back to the kitchen. We weren't ready yet.

It's to make you see.. This hasn't been easy for me either. Just because I can have a straight face, and not cry doesn't mean that I'm not hurting. So many people have asked me why I love you. Why haven't I divorced you.. That you're crazy and I ignore all of it.

Why don't you leave? I asked. I hated sounding like this but I had emotions,'just like anyone else.

Because Nicole, people who love you don't just leave. When we got married we agreed, there were vows. You became my wife and I won't ever have another. Listen, I don't want anyone else.

But I've ruined everything..

You've ruined things.. But not everything.

The waiter had returned right in time. My eyes were now dry, Jay's had lost that watery looks. We ordered, and he grabbed my hand across the table; examined my ring. It was the only thing I had never removed. I had never taken it off of my finger, I would just slide it up or down when I washed. It was platinum with a 2 carat diamond stud surrounded by tiny peridots, (which was my birthstone.)

I ordered a t bone steak with fried shrimp and fries on the side while jay had supreme fettuccine and broccoli. My mouth watered.

I bought this for you. An extension of me.

His ring was a gold band with his family name on the inside. He had given me that last name. Pirelli. Jays mother was half Italian and black, and his father was black, from Mississippi: jay looked nothing like his mother. While she was tiny, 5'2 and 115 at the most, jay was over 6 feet tall with those hazel eyes and broad shoulder his father had. Jay was extremely easy on the eyes, a real doll. They had taken his mothers last name. Jays father, unconventional and a little eccentric , had agreed to take his wife's last name, because of the legacy of the Pirelli name.

We're so different. We have nothing in common.

But we do Nicole. We both love Oreo ice cream, we value and respect our careers, we both have a trade that we are skilled in, we're both loners, we love each other, we love Vicodin.. What else is there? We love one another. You can't, close yourself off because of our differences.

He replied, kissing my hand. I wanted badly to touch him.. At the most inappropriate time, naughty thoughts ran through my head. I was extremely sexually attracted to jay. He just did it for me, but I couldn't sleep with him like I wanted. Urges were very few and far between for me.

You never wanted to hire a prostitute? I asked.

The need for sex isn't that primal for me Nicole... Sometimes I see you or, lie next to you in barely nothing and I get hard, but it doesn't mean I want sex.. You're just really sexy..

Jay..

Our food was placed in front of us next, and we both went to town on it. I looked at jay, my jay. The love of my life, for I hadn't known any other. How I had hurt him. Why hasn't he ever left? Why hasn't he ever tried to reconcile?

(You should ask him, instead of thinking it)

My mind was telling me. I had already asked these questions but they never stopped running through my mind. The love was deep, but not too deep that jay couldn't see how I had hurt him.

Listen, I'm sorry that I didn't tell you what was going on earlier.. Do you want to know about the other two times I had you committed? He asked.

(I'm not crazy)

I'm not crazy. I said aloud.

The voices in your head aren't rational. They tell you to do crazy things. They told you to hurt yourself that day didn't they?

They said the devil was inside me... They have said that multiple times.. By now we had both finished eating. The candles had waned to almost nothing.

(He thinks you're crazy. He doesn't want you, he will cheat on you.)

I forgot my pills for the schizophrenia.. I said aloud. My head was exploding for it was so full of thoughts and ideas.

Jay reached into his pocket and took out a small bag. It had Coke residue in it but I could clearly see pills. He took out a pink one and handed it to me. Jay was a dream come true.

I'm going to fall asleep soon.. I said slowly after taking the pill.

Let's go for a ride..it will help you sleep.
He paid the bill, then we climbed into his car.

You aren't irresponsible. I don't treat you like a child.. I just worry about you.

You know my pill schudule better than I do. I began.

I'm also your husband Nicole. You have to stop being so hard on yourself.. I have never blamed you for your illness. I know that you will always be sick. It's a mind sickness but it's not exactly like you go to therapy like you should..

It was a hard pill to swallow, but jay was right. I I didn't want to admit that.

You're right... I said .

My eyes started to feel droopy as the medicine worked its magic. The voices would be quiet, it only for 8 hours, it was 8 hours of agony that I didn't have to deal with.

Why'd you stop going? He asked.

There's too much shit in here jayson... My head is too full and I never know where to start in a session. Everyone must know how fucked up I am.. They all must think I'm crazy..

You're making up excuses. I've even gone with you before: it looks like you're reliving it all I when you talk about it. Listen, I get it. I know PTSD.

We must have reached the destination, it was a nice bridge overlooking a canal. Usually not very beautiful, but the moon was full. Jay took another bag out of his glove box. This one contained Coke. He never got stopped.. The perks of being a vet I guess. He had rank before the accident too.. His monthly checks supplemented his income extremely well, but jayson chose to work. He had so much damn pride. Even when he was in pain, he sniffed Coke and had a shot of Hennessy and worked 12 hours, sometimes doing overtime.

He pulled out his iPhone and carefully separated the Coke into 3 lines.

Come on babe.. He shared the first line with me, and I instantly relaxed. Jay had taught me the perfect Coke sniffing technique. Before him I used to take bumps while having shots of henn but it had been garbage Coke.

He had the next 2 lines and wiped his nose before looking at me.

Yeah... So what happened ? You never told me the whole story...

Our Humvee rolled over a homemade explosive device.. Or something. That's what I was told after I woke up screaming because I was in pain. My fucking leg was gone Nicole and there was a bloody rag in its place. Like after my knee, nothing. I never felt the blast. They told me that I had been lucid and drifting in and out of consciousness for 2 weeks. For some reason I was still in Iraq!! I signed my ass out as soon as possible.

I listened as intently as I could while being under the influence of the drugs. Jay continued.

So when I got home it was discovered that I had developed gangrene.. They had to operate further so that I didn't lose the rest of my leg. The smell... It was worse than dead people because the skin was dead. I went nuts.. Flashbacks from before the explosive accident and all of the insurgents I had killed hit me hard. I was in a bad place. I started up drinking really hard. Then the drinking wasn't enough. I saw a buddy one night, John, from a mission in Iraq and he offered me Coke. I've been hooked ever since.! Coke is the only thing that I love more than you.

I was addicted to conspiracy theories. Maybe there was one behind Jay's accident.

They don't have lawsuits for that sort of thing. It's a given that you will be hurt in some way, if you go to Iraq. I had rank though, I was sergeant.. I didn't want to work the desk. So I left the marines. The hardest part was getting it out of my mind that I had been severely injured. There was physical therapy, talk that my leg would probably cause me pain the rest of my life... I was 27. The depression hit me just a little bit. I was more concerned about my life. Like playing sports was pretty much out of the question, no more street ball. What fucked me up the most was how people treated me . The pity, the sorrow in their eyes.. Their faces. I still wore my dog tags. God Nicole, I couldn't get it through my head that I wasn't in the marines.. I moved back in w my parents because shit got rough. I had extensive therapy, both physical and mental. For 3 years I worked the shit out of my mind, body, soul. Until I was whole again.

Then I met you and you fucked my world up. You haven't stopped since.

By now my lids were fluttering shut.

My sweet... Jay brushed my face with his hand, calloused from work and very rough, and looked at me.

I never wanted anything but you. For so long I had my eye on you.. Mental illness so what? I still love you. I'll never stop.


His words echoed in my head as the sleep took over.

I woke up refreshed the next night. Jay was gone so it was safe to assume that he was at work. I rose and looked at myself in the mirror. My hair was wild. I had forgotten to tie it up the night before. Detangling it would be a mess. Jay and I didn't have any pets, because of my absurd sleep and wake schedules.

There was a white slip of paper on the nightstand.

I pulled a double... I'll see you later.

A double meant a straight 24 shift. The good thing about that was that jay made 16 hours of overtime so when he did doubles he only worked 1 day a week. I wouldn't see him until the next afternoon though. I wanted to get something eat, but I knew how worried jay got.
Instead, I headed to the kitchen. In the fridge There was a small plate wrapped In foil. Steak, mashed potatoes, and Mac and cheese sat. I knew it was for me.

I took a fork and tried it cold. Delicious. I missed my life, but I had never had a real life. With jay, we enjoyed our time together. I used to party, and drink too much and do crazy things but it never really felt right to me. I was antisocial as hell, so going out to the club with my girlfriends always seemed forced. I dressed crazy/ sexy. Belly out, 6 inch heels and Coke. Like had been a huge party and I didn't necessarily feel bad about it. My goal was school and I had walked across the stage high as the sky.

I clicked on the tv. Jay had left the nfl channel on, so I watched that as I ate. The living room needed a vacuuming and a dusting. It wasn't that we didn't clean, I was just a full time job for jay.

He left my medications in the kitchen on the counter. I swallowed the schizophrenia, anxiety, and depression pills all at once and knew that I would be in bed in no time. The negative side effects were increased sleep and decreased hunger. I was the picture of mental illnesses.

I vacuumed the living room, dusted down the surfaces and threw a load of jays clothes into the washer. He liked the delicate cycle with tide, so I did that. We had a beautiful house on the outskirts of Pasadena. The closest neighbors were 2 miles away, but there were plenty of small shops and stalls along the way. It's just how Pasadena was. Living here away from society worked very well for me, and jay who had become just a little insecure because of his leg.

The house was clean, the laundry was in the dryer, and I was tired. Sweet sleep would come soon.

I woke up screaming next to jay the next night. Had it really been 24 hours?

Ash... He looked at me with concern written all over his pretty face.

Jay... You're here.

Yeah, it's a little after 7. Are you ok?

bad dream..

Do you want to talk about it? He had set down his sports illustrated magazine next to an empty crystal plate he used to snort Coke off.
He was high, I could tell as his eyes got this gloss to them. Jay never got too high though. He would just get high enough.

I don't remember... I lied.

Don't lie to me Ashley. He said softly.

I sat up, upon the mound of pillows and looked at jay. His dreads were loose, skimming his waist. He had cut them twice since we had met. They grew really fast, and he didn't like them in the way, nor too heavy.

There are lots of things from the past that I haven't told you.

Why haven't you told me? He asked, taking a swig from his beer.

It's painful.

He waited patiently, like that answer wasn't going t fly and I looked at him.

I keep having flashbacks... I've been really abused jay and I'm afraid.. I can't really trust anyone.

By the white family.. He said slowly.

It was more than just them. There was a time in the hospital... Remember, I was jailed there for 8 years.

Jailed? Jay asked. I had his full attention now. He slipped a rubber band from his wrist, and gathered his hair into a ponytail.

Well, there was a trial. I didn't just get to go to the hospital for the murders. Sure I was a child- 10 years old but I had actually planned it out. Premeditated murder.. There were 6 of us. I not only killed the parents, but their 3 biological children. I never felt like a family and they never hesitated to tell me how bad black people were... I was a little nigger bitch to the mother.. She used to shave my head bald and dress me in rags.. I had to go to school looking like that. Everyone teased me and ridiculed me to no end, so I was constantly getting into fights at school, which made problems at home.

God... Jay whispered. He didn't reach out to touch me this time, instead he handed me the vodka and I took a swag.

Everyone thought that I was just some angry foster kid but I was so much more. Unfortunately I was too afraid to tell on the family. I wasn't tried as an adult but I was sentenced to 8 years to a mental facility. It's not like why you see on tv.. This one had some real nuts in it.. I didn't understand law at the time and I was given a public defender.. He suggested I plead guilty by reason of insanity and I did that..

It wasn't a facility for children? Jay asked.

No. People of all ages were there.. I was raped twice in the first 2 years by the same person, a doctor. The third time he attempted, I slashed his neck with a scalpel and he died.. From then on- at age 12, everyone feared me, and I loved it jay. I really do think I'm crazy..

People have tired to take advantage of you since you were 4. I don't think you're crazy. Fed up, definitely.

I don't have the mind of a killer though. I don't think of killing people.. I just hate being violated..

Why did you let me marry you? He asked.

You love me. I replied.

Of course but..

No jay, you love me. And you mean it. You don't try to take anything from me, you want nothing from me but love... No one has ever been like that. Everyone wanted something back, something that they could hold over me.. You though, you never wanted anything because you already had what you wanted in life. I didn't want anyone else to have you. I admitted.. You had things planned out..

Is that right? Jay asked with a chuckle.

You had cars, your own money and a loving family. All you really wanted was a wife..

So what did you think of me? He asked

You? I wanted you, bad and you kept staring at me at that gym.. I would have never said anything.. You used to drive that Range Rover, you had marine corps license plates on it, no ring on your finger and I knew that you wanted to talk to me.

Jay looked at me, with that smile on his face, that sexy grin that had really made me fall.

So when you finally asked me for a drink I almost shit my pants! I was nervous.. I spilled cran vodka all over myself, luckily I was wearing a burgundy bodysuit. You offered to clean it off for me. I can't believe that I let you..

Jay smiled, reminiscing and wiped his nose.

My hands were shaking.. I grabbed a bar rag and it felt so damn good to touch you. You had no idea at that Point, but touching you got me so aroused. I knew that I wanted to take you home.

I let you do that too.. I interjected.

Yeah. My parents were home that night. I hadn't wanted to startle you and make you think that I was moving too fast.

They loved me. It felt so foreign to have people that liked me. I had never had parents.. I was really quiet.

So.. I took you up to my room. I could see my mom in my head, shaking her head because I had brought another girl home , but you were so different. It wasn't the same. I told you that you could wear that black v neck in the drawer. I watched you as you undressed, right in front of me and I saw all of the scars.

You didn't even ask me if you could touch me.. You just did.

And you let me. Then I took off my prosthetic.. You asked me if you could touch.. I let you. You massaged it and God Ashley.. That shit drove me crazy. I wanted you to massage my stump every day for me.

I smiled at that, and he looked at me.

We were so comfortable with each other.. I asked you if you wanted to be dropped off at home.. You said you wanted to stay over the night. In just those skimpy panties and my t shirt..

I wasn't trying to seduce you. I said.

Besides.. You were 25, I was 30. It's not like we were in high school or anything..

He didn't have to tell me the rest of that story. We had laid down underneath his silk sheets. He was dressed only in boxers and a black wife beater that went to well with his brown skin. Broad shoulders and tattoos dominated his muscular arms. I had fallen for jayson Pirelli hard. I couldn't believe that I was laying next to that guy from the gym after our first date. I didn't feel cheap or anything though.
Jay had switched the tv to a football game, and then he told me of his habits.

I'll give you a chance to get out before things get hairy.. I love Coke. I spend a large amount of money on Coke.. Physical therapy hurts, my leg constantly hurts.. I drink a lot too, so if that's something that scare you, or you don't like it we can abandon ship here.

Is the Coke any good? I had asked.

See for yourself. I allowed myself two bumps, while Jayson had 2 lines. The party really started then, but it didn't feel like it had with any other person. It didn't feel like it would be meaningless sex with some random guy.

This is good.. I had replied. Jay had handed me a towel to wipe my nose with.

I don't get high just to have sex.. He had said softly.

This isn't just about sex though. I feel like I've known you forever.

I'm insecure about my leg... Women look at me like I'm a leper. Like I'm some sort of freak. I was in Iraq! He says sharply.

This isn't something that weirded me out, a Coke addicted vet talking about his habit and war as we lie nearly naked in bed. It wasn't the first time that a man that I had dated had poured his heart out to me. It was weirdly comforting with jay though.

Can I kiss you? Can I touch your hair? I've wanted to touch it.. For so long..

Jay was high, but he was completely in control of himself. I had to admire that.

I had let my hair down, the curls bounced over my shoulders.

I haven't cut it since I was 10.. It's really long but it takes so long to style it!

He had touched a purple curl that was close to my eyes, then we were kissing. His lips tasted amazing. His hands had touched me... So softly. Skimming over my thighs, the scars on my back. It hadnt felt like this in a long time. I had felt Jay's blood rushing. There were so many things that I hadn't told him.. Things about me, but I was only in that moment. I hadn't told him that I was on medications. So many that I couldn't think straight. But he was like a drug. There were so many strong emotions that I felt.

We don't have to.. He had whispered into my ear. He smelled and tasted like beer, but I wanted it. I wanted to feel him. It had been so long, since I had met a man, who had wanted to get to know me.

The sex that we had, it had been different.. Different than any other. We had taken our time with each other. Kissing on each other, exploring each other's bodies with fingers, tongues, lips. I had given myself completely to jayson. A kiss, a touch as light as a feather. Had made me shake wildly with an orgasm like I never felt before. I wanted more of him. I wanted to keep him for myself.

I snapped back to the present. Here and now jay was laying next to me as his eyelids struggled to stay open.

I kissed his forehead gently, and laid next to him. Sleep would come peacefully tonight.

A night in which I stayed asleep throughout its entirety was rare. But I did. When I woke up the sun was rising.

Jay was a hell of an early riser. The military had him up at 05:00 every morning. I heard his voice in the kitchen, probably talking ro his mom. His mother and I had become very close. We had gotten closest when her husband started getting sick. She understood that her husband had a mental illness, and knowing of mine she had asked me questions.

It wasn't the same though. With dementia, he would eventually forget them all then die all alone in his make believe world.

I slipped on my robe and descended the stairs. Jay was cooking.

I had a sudden flashback to a fight that we had about 3 years ago. Jay hadn't made my eggs like I liked, the yolks were too firm. I had gone into a full on rage At him. I had flung the plate into the trash then proceeded to tell him all of the things that I hated that he did. I had brought up stories from his past and used that against him. Jay never really yelled back at me when we argued which in turn would provoke me even more. I would take his silence as some sort of disrespect and yell at him more for being a punk. I don't know how he put op with it, but he has stopped doing a lot of things for me, because he just didn't want a reaction out of me.

After the argument, jay had pulled on a pair of sweats, grabbed his car keys and left. He didn't come back for several hours, but once he had I had significantly cooled down, as I had expected him to just be ok with my outburst. I also had anger control problems which went along just fine with my bipolar disorder. I had greeted him as he walked in, because everything was ok for me.

He had replied with a brisk hello in return, then had headed upstairs to shower. This would be the start of many of my outbursts at him. From everything to leaving a hairbrush on the counter to not putting his shoes away. I think that it slowly began to wear jay down. 2 years into our relationship, we were already married but my angry outbursts and other disorders were pushing Jay away. I knew that without it having to be said. He began working a lot more, even though I knew that his leg bothered him. Anything to get out of the house, and away from me. The Coke use stayed the same, but he would use by himself, alone in the living room with the tv on. Sometimes I would join him and lay up under him. It would be like old times , then he would do or say something that annoyed me and it would be bad again.

Everyone had wronged me in the past. Lied to me, they didn't practice what they preached. They were liars and those were the worst kind. It was me against the world and no one could tell me any different. They didn't know my life. I didn't have to explain myself to anyone, and I wouldn't .

Hey.. I'm making waffles. Jay broke through to me and I had a seat at the table before he poured me a cup of tea.

Smells delicious!

They're strawberry... He flipped two piping hot waffles on each of our plates then sat across from me. Things were a lot better now. We were closer to happiness, further from pain.

He had done waffles, eggs over easy, sausage links. We ate in silence.

After we had finished I helped him put everything away, then we cleaned.

Let's do a movie today... I was surprised that it was I who had said that.! Jayson loved going to the movies. It was one of his favorite past times.

There's this new action movie out! He exclaimed. I could already see the wheels turning.

Yeah. Let's get dressed!

It's not until later. We can have some us time. I had stopped taking my birth control because of the sex that we didn't have, but I had noticed that I would get aroused much faster. I talked to jay regularly about my body and how the medications affected me.

When he said us time I knew exactly what he meant. He grabbed my waist and planted a soft kiss on my lips. Instantly my body warmed up and I ran a hand through his dreads. Wanting him, craving him. He was the best drug I had taken. The kitchen counter... He set me on that and kissed my lips gently.! I was hungry. Hungry for jay. Another deep kiss and he got my panties for that

Stop teasing...

He grinned, and dropped his boxers. It felt amazing once jay entered. I gripped his back with my nails and felt him increase in size more, inside of me. My orgasm came so quickly that I wanted to be angry. Instead, jayson kept going. He hadn't come yet. More of him.. I wanted more.

I want more jay.

Me too.. Get on your knees.. We switched positions and he took me from the back. Hands on my hips, jay dominated me and I loved it. This is how I wanted him to be in control.. Jay finally came as well, and pulled out of me before anything else could happen.

You're not on birth control?

I pulled his shirt over my head and looked at him

I'm not. We hadn't really been.. But I've been told that I can't have children because of the damage. I just took birth control to feel normal.

You can't ever... Have children? Jay asked.

No dearest. I stroked his face gently and looked into his eyes.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I've been insensitive to you. To your needs.

Jayson... Children... I couldn't ever raise one. I'm damaged physically and emotionally I'm glad that I can't have them .

He was quiet, then he kissed me again.

That doesn't mean that it's ok. I don't think it's ok with you.. A lot of things bother you and you just continue on and act like things are ok.

Jayson. I have you so everything is ok.

I woke up again, hours later to rainy skies. The purple aromatherapy candle that I had lit was still burning, covering the room in lavender. Jay was naked, but under the covers and I was still clad in his shirt. Just thinking about him.. I was still dangerously attracted to him. After 5 years I still felt that shyness I had felt when we had first kissed, had first touched. I thought that it would go away with time but that only increased. When I went left off the meds I felt like I was another person he would have to meet and see if he liked. I didn't want to bother him this morning. He had done 2 lines of Coke last night plus the liquor fest. I knew that he had gone to bed lit. I kissed his forehead softly, then pulled on a pair of socks. I hated cold feet. Jay kept the house locked up at all times. I felt like the door separated me from violence and death. In my home I wasn't scared of anything but waking up without jay. I never was much of a cook but now I didn't do much of anything anymore. It felt nice to just be alone.. No voices, no nothing. I wanted to be normal so bad.. At least I used to want to be. Normal wasn't to be defined but I didn't like being depressed and schizophrenic either. There had to be a happy medium. I envied people who could have normal love lives. Sex, dates, family functions and dinner. I didn't have a family and jay was an only child born to parents who were older when they decided to start having children. After jay his mother had severe complications so it was decided that there would only be jay.

I brewed myself a cup of tea, and stirred the sugar in as I sat and watched the rain. Time must have slipped..

Couldn't sleep? His deep voice cut through the air and I tirned to look at him. Naked, except for Jordan sandals on his feet, his dreads were gathered into a ponytail. He looked delicious... He was teasing me once again. A smile played at the edge of those gorgeous lips and he looked at me once again. My sex drive had been slightly higher recently. Even a kiss on my neck or a caress on my back made me hot.

I didn't want to wake you... He was behind me in a second, soft lips on my shoulders. His hand quickly caressed me and I was ready.

Jay wasn't high yet, but that would be the next step. He bent me over the counter, and wrapped his arms around my waist. We didn't need lube this time. Jay stabbed, and I felt it at once. He was swelling, threatening to make me come with his force.

You feel so good. You're like my new habit. I can't get enough.. Of you. He whispered.

Jay..!

I need for you to trust me. To open up fully.

I said nothing as he went in deeper. Deeper and deeper still. This was new to me. Even when I was younger, sex hadn't ever been enjoyable for me. It was just something that I felt I needed to do. With jay the experience was truly enjoyable. It always left me wanting more. Craving his body, mind and soul. We finished and took a hot bath together, then had a shot each and a line. By then I was ready for bed, despite it being 10 am. The painkillers. I loved how they killed my emotional as well as my physical pain. For jay, he needed to mix painkillers and Coke. Nothing else worked.

We lay naked In bed, holding one another. It was quiet.

I'm starting to understand you more. I'm sorry that it's taken this many years. He began.

You never really understood clinical depression until you go through it.

You didn't tell me about any of this though, when we met. Only after our first year did I find these things out. He began.

You wouldn't have dated me. You would have put me in the crazy bin just like everyone else did..

It's because I don't understand it. My mother always dealt with life in... Different ways. Her ways were quite unorthodox and they never really made sense. When dad was diagnosed with dementia. She went inside her own head and started to live in this world where everything was still ok. It was ridiculous Ashley. She kept telling herself and me to just get up and go. There would be no lying around.. I've said that to you many times without realizing how hurtful my words were.

When you're depressed you can't just get up and go. I had been dealing with this since I was 10. That was the first time I had dealt with it and as an uneducated child. I had no idea what was going on. As an Adult I began to understand more. The loss of interest, the mood swings and the fatigue. Therapy didn't work because it was stronger then me. The pill... They worked wonders but they made me very tired. You just didn't understand Jayson. Too many times you blamed yourself for problems that had nothing to do with you. Depression... It's a very selfish illness . It takes the focus off of everything and everyone but yourself ..

But it makes everyone around you feel like they're the problem. I wanted to leave you when you got deep into it the first time. It pushed me away. I had my own things to deal with but your mental health reigned supreme over everything else. I thought that you were being selfish or using this for attention..

Attention?

People do it all the time where they feel like they aren't being paid attention to.

That was never the case.. I began.

I was already getting annoyed by his words but I had learned to try to deal with this feelings without lashing out at jay. It wasn't really his fault. He hadn't caused all of my damage and emotional pain. I loved him so much but he couldn't really see it, for the sadness was too much for me.

Just hear me out. It was what I thought. Of course I was very wrong about depression. I dated a girl, fresh out of high school that had depression. She was on meds and was just so out of control still. She always tried to run away from everything. Literally.. She had controlling parents that were religious zealots. For 4 years I was pulled into a miserable situation...

What made you leave?

The military.. I was still seeing here while deployed bit her problems became overwhelming for me. I knew I had to cut it off. She's married now and I'm sure she's dragging down her husband too.

Jay you chose me.. But would you have made the same decision if I told you about the clinical depression?

I probably would have steered clear, but I got to know you. The real you under the shell. Now I can't get away.. Even if I wanted to.

We laid in bed looking at one another. We had come so far..

It would have pushed you away.

Can you blame me? Had you ever seen yourself? He asked softly. I couldn't say that I had .. Whenever I had gone into episodes, I would soon forget what has happened. I never got a clear picture.

No..

It was scary. You were extremely unpredictable. I never knew what to expect.. But don't sit here and blame yourself. I know what that can do to your mind. It was killing you. I hated to see you go through that alone.

I've been coming apart at the seams since I was 10. That's 20 years of deterioration. I feel so weak ..

Jayson kissed my lips gently, then held my face.

I'll be here forever though. Even when it begins to feel like too much. I promise that I'll never stop.! I won't leave. However, you have to promise me things too. I know that you'll never get off the antidepressant drugs. I know that you'll never get off the painkillers and schizophrenia drugs.. I need you to start trying to help yourself though. There's so many places I'd love to take you. To Italy, to the islands, to Africa and China. I want to see the world with you.

Just thinking of all those things made me fatigued, but Jay meant it.

I'm only 35 Nicole . There's a lot left.. You deserve the world from me. I'm the only person that can give it to you. I'm the only person that you will ever need. I'm the only person that's loved you consistently, honestly ...

Jay was right. He was my first true love and that scared me. He had other relationships before me. I felt somehow stunted emotionally:

You do good. He said, as if reading my mind.

I try.

There's no such thing as perfection ash. While you want to be, you will always be flawed, just As I am.

Jay.. Please don't ever let me go.

The second time Jay had me committed I had run away from home. It was raining and it had been an incredibly exhausting day for me. This was our second year together as a married couple. I had been plagued by nightmares and I was still getting used to living with someone else and cohabitation. All I could remember was wearing a white nightgown and no shoes, a warm night in Pasadena. I had somehow bypassed the security system and had been running down the road chanting something. The next thing I knew, I was chained to a bed again, wishing that Jay was here. Once I had seen his face, so pained and deathly pale I had began crying.

What happened? Why am I here?

You had some kind of break and snapped. You were running down old highway 85 barefoot.

What? Now I was dressed in a white wife beater and white shorts, under white covers. My body felt weary and heavy.

Have you been taking the medicines you're prescribed?

I.. I felt better. I began. I wanted to be normal. With those words, his eyes filled with tears and he made room for himself on the bed next to me.

Normality doesn't exist Ashley. You have to take your medicine. You're sick. He was so right but it hurt. I had been on a cocktail of medications since I was 10 and I just wanted to feel like everyone else did. Instead I walked around in a haze. My memory was shit and I was always drowsy. My own head felt heavy. I wanted sleep always. I felt so useless. Like I was wasting both of our time.

How did you find me? I asked.

I have no idea.. Something told me to check. I woke up at around 3 and it was so dark for it to be the afternoon. You were gone. Your phone and house keys and shoes were all there. I ran through the house screaming your name. Your mustang was still in the garage.. Then i went for a drive down 85. I remembered when I first took you along. You loved the sunflowers.. So there you were. Soaking wet in a dress. Sunflowers in your hand. Hoghwayv85 is 10 miles from our home so I assumed you walked there. Next I called the paramedics and requested no cops. They gently coaxed you into the bus and gave you a shot.. Then brought you here.

Jayson... I began. I loved him too much to continue doing this to him.

I thought you were dead.. I was so scared. He said before kissing my lips gently.

I.. I wasn't there. Mentally. Jay..

Where were you? He asked with genuine concern.

Chasing raindrops..

I stayed there for 60 days, received mental therapy that left me completely exhausted.(elaborate!!!)
It actually did more harm than good . I didn't believe v

Jay and I awoke the next afternoon after a night of Coke and whiskey. I still felt strangely alert and my eyes were dialated.

Morning sunshine. He groaned before stretching. He separated 2 lines for each of us, then took his before mine.

Morning.. My legs and shoulders are so sore.. I began. Jay grinned, then took a shot before tilting his head back.

I had you spread like mayonnaise.. It was so delicious. He replied. He took my right hand and guided it down to his erection and I instantly felt it.. Once again.

You haven been that wet in so long. I swear I almost drowned inside of you. He reached over and kissed my mouth gently, then rose. He was a sight to see while naked.

He went to the fridge and took out sausage, eggs and bacon then his favorite cast iron skillet. (Finish this part!)

I looked at him in silence then speared another sausage with my fork. Sure I wanted to go somewhere for our anniversary. I didn't want to stay cooped in the house any more than Jay did.
Italy? I asked
I speak fluent Italian. We will be fine.. I really want to do this with you. He said reaching across the table and grabbing my hand. I looked into his eyes, those beautiful eyes that never lied to me and sighed.
Ok.. I'll do this with you. Even saying that made my anxiety skyrocket. The thought of us getting into a plane! Jay reached into his pocket and handed me an Ativan.
Your palms are sweaty. Listen, I know that you may not want to do this..
It's not that! I exclaimed as the medicine started to have it's calming affect on me.
What scares you then?
I've never been out of the country.. I've been to plenty of other states but all that is in the US. I'd have to get a passport and.. I trailed off. Jay gave me a smile and sipped his Hennessy.
We got passports 3 years ago. So what other excuses do you have for me?
None I guess..
I can get the tickets today. Plus.. I've got something big planned for us. I rose and Jay rose with me. The pills had kicked in full force and I felt the anxiety melt away. We smiled at one another then kissed. Jay let his hand caress my back, then come to rest on my ass.
Besides.. I'll get to fuck you in Italy. Just thinking about it.. He pushed closer to me, and I felt him. The way that he made me hot, bothered, it had never failed to amaze me. Even with the depression and the hospitals and the relapses, I still wanted Jay. I wanted only Jay. The way that i craved him.. When he used to work those long nights I would touch myself and think of the things that he did to me, for me.
I'd love to fuck you in Italy as well. We can go on the gondolas and stuff?! I asked.
Sure. Whatever you want. I grew up in Florence.. It was so different, but now in a bad way. I had an accent and got teased all through school..
I love it. I said kissing his lips one more time.
My mother.. My dad was army and that's where them met. He was stationed in Italy. She was 10 years younger than he, but they saw each other at a dance. She was 18 and he 28. They danced all night.. It was taboo then, my dad was black, and even though my mom is half black, she passed. Her dad left the country shortly after she was born.. Her mom didn't tell her that she was halt black until her father had died.
Wow.. I began. It must have been nice to know about your family history. I knew nothing.. Just that I had never been loved by any family but jaysons.
I've never.. I guess I've never loved anyone like I love you. I want you to see where I come from.. To see what I am.

The time to go on the trip finally came. Our anniversary was in August. The week before it we were packing to go. I had to go through all of the weather forecasts and coordinate my outfits to match . Jay had bought the tickets a month ago. Now we were finally prepared. I was dealing with extreme anxiety, just thinking about it. The plane, the flight even the country..

What if I'm asleep the whole trip? I asked stretching out on the couch.

I booked a room at the best resort hotel in the area so we don't have to go out if you don't want to. We can stay in bed all day and I can lick things off your sweet skin. He said with a grin.

Jay was a sexual being. He had told me of many ex girlfriends and that not one had been able to keep him satisfied like I did.

Jay you're always horny! I began.

So what? Your pussy is always wet for me..

I had taken to laying out on the couch in nothing but a nightgown with nothing on underneath on days when we didn't have plans.

Jay moved next to me and eased a hand up the gown before massaging me with his middle and index finger, then dipping a finger inside of me. I moaned in ecstasy and he pulled his hair up before getting down on his knees in front of me. I loved how Jay tongue kissed me and how he tasted me with so much precision.

Sure enough, he was in position. I always wanted so much more of him.

Come on and ride me. You never do that anymore. Jay was standing like a statue for me and he was right, it had been so long since we had sex like this. He was always doing all the work. I wrapped my arms around his muscular neck and gently took him inside of me. I could feel him, already ready to come. I found my rhythm and gently grinded on top of him so that his tip hit my wall. Usually on meds I couldn't achieve an orgasm but with Jay I always did.

It feels so good.. He whispered into my lips before kissing them. I found my rhythm and he matched it. For every time that I rocked my hips, he rocked his. The feeling was amazing.

I'm going to come.. I whined. Jay whispered something Italian into my ear and I felt ,tell lose control. He never spoke Italian around me, but I was aware that he was fluent.

Baby... Come for me one more time. He began. We kissed one more time and I felt him come with me.

See.. I can just fuck you this whole trip. Sweet kisses, touching your skin and feeling your tattoos and scars and tasting your tongue.. Tasting that body... He began.

We could do that here..

Yeah but why? We can also do it in Italy and I can make you scream my name. I could make the guests clutch their pearls. You know that you always scream my name when I rub your clit and pop a finger in your ass..

His nasty talking was only serving to get me more aroused. He looked at me in surprise, then instructed me to sit on the couch with my legs open. I did as asked and closed my eyes in a silent ecstasy as Jay gently kissed me with his tongue. His movements quite precise, he began humming and I looked down into those pretty eyes and he winked then tried that trick where he stuck his middle finger inside as he licked me. Like clockwork I began shaking and I felt myself relax. Still, Jay wasn't a force to be reckoned with when he was hungry. Instead of switching positions, he began tasting me once again. The way that he made me feel. Got me even wetter and he popped his head up to say something before I moaned deeper and pushed myself back into his mouth. He received all of me until I had another shaking orgasm.

You're so wet tonight.. He began. I reached down myself and could clearly tell that I was soaking.

He turned me on all fours and gently dominated over me. Strong hands palming my ass as he thrusted. I felt jayson inside of me extremely deep. He hit the spot and I had to deep breathe so that I wouldn't come, but failed and shook in his arms as he pushed in deeper.

God Nik! He moaned before pushing deep, deeper and deeper digging for diamonds.

We fell asleep like that.. Curled up together on the couch. Our plane would depart tomorrow st noon.

The third and most recent time jayson had me committed was about 3 years into our marriage. I had been growing increasingly irritable and difficult. Bad self esteem issues, depression and worsening anxiety. The fights were rampant and they lasted. Hitting on Jay and taking advantage of him.. It got to be pretty bad. He moved his bed into the spare bedroom downstairs and built me a new one. Sleeping alone made me feel more alone and I hated being away from him but he wanted no parts of it. We seemed to be living separate lives and I knew that it would soon be over if nothing changed. Arguments were getting to be terrible. The day before Jay had me committed we had another fight. He had turned to me with tears in his pretty eyes.

It's so hard to love you Nik. You don't let me. You push me away so far and I feel the distance.. You need help and i just can't try to provide it for you anymore. You don't seem sincere. You don't seem to care about my struggles. Everything is you and your sickness. It's selfish and I'm not feeling the same way about you anymore. We have hurt each other but I only treat you the way you treat me. I'm so tired Nicole and we have only been married three years. It won't work if you keep hurting us.

You're going to leave me? I had exploded as tears fell from my eyes. I hadn't told him that I had secretly stopped taking my medications once again because I had felt ok. Like an old dog, I was back to the same tricks. Thinking that I could live without medication had proved to me that I couldn't do so. Misery and sadness and it was terrible feeling like this/ my feelings had changed for Jay as well. He didn't seem to really get it. Maybe he didn't care. He had never been depressed. He wasn't schizophrenic, he didn't have anxiety and all I wanted was to be like him. But I could never be... Normal. I would be ill for life and sometimes I didn't want to take it. I had taken to cutting again.. At age 28 I was still cutting and I felt ashamed of myself. Jay hadn't seen the scars because we had been sleeping separately.

They would see it at the hospital anyway, but it still hurt. Here we were, both crying in the kitchen trying to fix something so broken.

You will never be happy Nik. Maybe I did make a mistake marrying you.. Maybe it wasn't meant to be.. Even as those words left his mouth I didn't believe them.! Our love was real. How could he say such hurtful things to me?

How could you say that? I exclaimed. For I loved Jay so much and I didn't want to live this life without him! Maybe he wanted to live his life without me.. The thought made fresh tears spring to my eyes and jay wiped his with a tissue. You're all I ever wanted Nicole.. But we will never work unless you change. You need therapy, your depression and illnesses become you and I don't want it anymore.. The tears fell harder and I felt my heart break. I had never heard these things from him...

You make me feel insignificant and crazy like I don't matter. You blame everything on my illnesses and I'm the problem Jay.. You hurt me and make me feel like you don't love me anymore. Like I'm nothing. Just a pest and a nuisance.

You make me feel the same way Nicole.. He admitted. It hit me then.. I was taking everything out on jayson because he allowed me to. The past, the ill treatment that I had received my whole life. No one had ever really loved me without violence. I didn't know how to love without violence. I had lost respect for jayson and all men.!'en had taken advantage of me, raped me and violated my trust. I loved jayson but I didn't love men, as I had told him when we met.! While I loveed jayson it was very hard for me to respect him and treat him right. He gave me what I gave him so this was a relationship lacking respect and warmth. We in love but I was so cold hearted and frozen that it had rubbed off on Jay. My heart hurt to hear that from him, my husband. How could I not love my husband?

How could I not want to be the wife that I was supposed to be?

I have to do this again to you Nicole. I don't want to commit you. God knows.. But I have to.

So I went, two suitcases packed for a 60 day stay.. Two months away from Jay. Without my medication my brain was going nuts. In overdrive.. We he agreed on no phone calls or physical visits. Just letters. It hurt me that he had to do this to me, but I had done it to myself.. The hurt inflicted upon me had made me hate in return. Continuing the vicious cycle. I knew it was wrong and while i couldn't change what I had done to Jayson, I could get healthy. I had come in negatively.. I didn't expect much. More torture and pain and I would be further cracked. Maybe I couldn't be fixed. Like a pedophile or a murderer.. Was I any different?

For my evaluation they asked me about a million questions. I didn't really mind it. There had been files back 18 years or so on me so they should have known. After that I received my first cocktail of medicine and I immediately felt that feeling I loved so much. Extreme calm, followed by a quiet head. The psychiatric drugs given here were so much stronger than what a doctor could prescribe. I wanted to stockpile them and take them home but that was far from possible. I was sent to my room, a single where I was to unpack. It felt different.. It wasn't like jail. I could come and go freely because I wasn't considered a thereat nor suicidal. Still I wanted to be alone. I didn't really like crowds and the thought of group therapy frightened me .

Jay had packed everything for me. My favorite yoga clothes and a mat so I still could here. Soft robes and underwear and tunics to lounge around in. I would be doing a lot of that here.
There was a letter on top of the second suitcase with my name printed in Jay's beautiful cursive writing.

Dear

If you're reading this you're inside sycamore hall mental institution. This is the last thing I wanted for you, but it had to happen. I've fallen in love with you extremely hard. When we got married and I didn't quite know what I had gotten into, I just assumed that you were eccentric and odd. Little did I know that it would manifest into a plethora of illnesses. They control your life and each time I've committed you you've changed only because they made you. You saw no problem with your behavior and outbursts. Still I wanted you to get better so that we could be better. The communications and the relationship between us wasn't strong. I tried too hard and you stopped trying. Too dependent on me, then you had the awful nerve to say that you didn't want me around. I didn't know if it was the medication, or the fact that you were slowly going nuts.. I never wanted this for myself or you. Unstableness isn't something I want my wife to have. We could never go anywhere because of your crippling anxiety. I didn't write this letter to shame you or hurt you.. When I first saw you I fell for you. That moment when I saw you at the gym I knew that I wanted you. I knew that I could take better care of you than you were. I'd watch you. I knew that you were alone and hurting before I'd ever even spoken to you. Beautiful and a swan.. I was saddened when I found and met the real you for I felt like you had lied to me.. Every ugly thing that could be said or done you did to me and I realize now it was because I allowed it. I won't allow it anymore dear wife and if you come back unchanged or revert, I'll have to remove myself. Not a divorce but a separation.. Until you can become whole again. I can't continue to hold you anymore. You need to get stronger.. You need to take care of me like I do you. We will write to each other once a week..

By the time I he finished the letter, my eyes were moist and the hospital was suffocating me. I pulled on a pair of leggings, Nike shoes and a pullover and headed out. Here the place was heavily guarded in spite of being minimum security. All patients or "residents " we're required to wear a bracelet with their name and mental illness. I began walking on the courtyard with my head down until I saw the garden. It needed work. I could tell that it wasn't taken care of right.

Residents are allowed to plant things in and weed the garden. If it's therapeutic for you. One of the doctors said once he saw me looking.

I'd love to. I replied.

There was a bucket, dowel, hand rake and watering can. I got to work. Since we lived in Pasadena there really was no cold snap to kill the flowers. I really loved roses and marigolds, and the ones here could still be salvaged . I spent the maximum amount of time that I could spend a day there, 2 hours then we were allowed a snack and some light exercise. No electrical devices were permitted and no Tv. We were strictly here to get better, and we were supposed to have no contact with society besides letter that they checked before we mailed them and before we received them.

The day's blended and it got to the point where I anxiously awaited Tuesday mornings. That's when the mail was delivered. I had written a short letter to Jay and his reply was longer than usual. I had already done 20 days here and I felt a lot better. I was nowhere close to being cured and I felt like I needed more time. More time away from society, even Jay. I couldn't go back out yet. I was extremely scared of relapse and failing my marriage.

Dearest

I hope that you're doing well. I loved the pictures of your garden and I am glad that you've found something that you love. I didn't want to tell you, but I had landscapers come and build a garden for when you come home. That way you can garden here and let your stress out. I cannot apologize enough for what I'm putting you through. I feel terrible for having you committed and every day I blame myself for your conditions.. I'm concerned about you in there because I know your mind is fragile. I promise that I will do what I need to keep you safe there. If you need more time there please write so that I can pay for more time. Your last letter was extremely short and I know that you had unanswered questions. 1. No I'm not seeing anyone else. We are married. I still wear my ring as I hope you do yours. 2. My mom is fine and she knows you are there at sycamore. She didn't want to visit because she wanted you to focus on your treatment. Don't you know how much I miss you? I miss you terribly. Your scent and the way you look in my t shirts. I miss sleeping with you and holding you.. I wish that you were here now and I wouldn't have to write this letter. It feels like you're in jail. Like you were ripped from my arms, my life. There's a hole in my heart. Please come back better. We need each other.


His letter was very sweet and I missed him at once. I did need more time here. I wasn't quite ready and I was very afraid to speak of the thoughts in my head. If I said them out loud, they might come back to haunt me. However, I had group therapy in an hour and I wanted to write to Jay before I went. I took out a pencil and a sheet of college rule paper and began.

Jayson

I love you so. I miss your face. I could never forget what you look like. Your face is in my locket and I do still wear my ring. I'm scared to come home. I don't think I'm ready yet.. I would appreciate it if you could pay for one more month. I wish I could see you and run a hand through your dreads and see your beautiful hazel eyes. Group therapy is going well, but I'm still holding back. I have therapy in 50 minutes and I wanted to write you before I got there. They said to think happy thoughts before therapy. I'm afraid of talking and telling everyone but I've got to let it out. If I don't then it will destroy me like it almost killed us.
Jayson.. I wanted to apologize for everything that I've put you through. My head has become clear as day here.. I was bad to you because it's all I know. I tried to be different but only succeeded in acting just like them. I love you very much and I never meant to hold all of these grudges against you. You said that you felt as if I was hiding things behind your back but that was never it. I'm just very afraid of you leaving me and spiraling out of control again. Can't you see that I need you and I want you and love you very much but I don't know how to show you. I think about you all of the time and I always want you to be there but I pull away and I need you to understand that I don't just do this to get a reaction. Jayson i have always known that I was different but not like this. I pretended most everything from my past didn't bother me but those things do every day and night. They nest and lay eggs in my brain. The seeds of doubt grow into tangled trees that cloud my judgment and clog my memories. Some things I can't tell if they've happened or they haven't. I search my brain for an answer and never get one and that's why I cannot answer your questions sometimes. Dearest I'm suffering so much inside.. I never meant to hurt you. They always say that people don't need each other but I need you. You're my oxygen and without you I can't breathe..

I wiped my eyes before sealing the envelope and slipping on a pair of slippers and a fresh t shirt.
Group therapy was only about 5 people plus the psychiatrist. We were a colorful bunch mostly committed by our spouses. Only one of us wasn't married, and her long time boyfriend had her committed. They always began with me, for I talked the least but today I had to let it go.

I told them of the molestation and the rapes, beatings and burning the house down. My wonderful husband that I loved who I mistreated and anything new that I could think of since the last session. I cried and cried and cried until I felt like a face rag that had been twisted between two hands.

I knew that I wasn't taking care of myself well and depending on my husband too much but I was so tired. All I wished for was death. I said softly.

He wouldn't let me die though. He hid all of the pills after my first overdose and locked up the knives and guns. I didn't have the energy to drive to a bridge and jump so I stayed at home and blamed him for not letting me die. I need more time here and my biggest fear is that I'll never get better..

The class sat stunned, and I looked at my sweatpants in straight confusion. I had just spilled the biggest secrets of my life to someone besides Jay and it felt so different. It felt good to do so..

I anxiously awaited my letters from jayson. 35 days in I got the reply to my last letter. His words on paper would be saved forever for me because my memory was terrible.

Nicole dear.

I can tell you're getting better by the tone of your letters. I missed how you used to be, but that was only a front and I'm glad that you've allowed that part of you to fall away so that I could meet the real you. I'm well aware that you love and need me, as well as wanting me. I wondered how you could treat me that way and I never considered that others had flung words so poisonous at you. They must have burned your Soul. I apologize for not learning more about your illnesses and how to treat you. I couldn't treat you like you were normal because you aren't.. On a lighter note however, your birthday will be here by the time you return. I think you'd like a quiet day at the beach so we will do that. I accept all of your apologies and while I can't forgive you yet, please realize that I won't hold things against you or over your head. I don't want to be that person.
I also wanted to apologize for my violent behavior and treating you like I did. The angry Coke rages and flashbacks. Some days are bad for me too and I see things from my military days. I never meant to place bruises upon your skin. I never meant to hit you like that and to pull your hair. I let myself react too harshly in those situations. You provoked me and it made me angry.. I was wrong then and I still am. I hope that you don't ever leave me, I hope that you continue to love me. I'm sorry to be dark in these letters but you always said that you loved my straightforward approach to things and the fact that I was honest with you. I'm not perfect but I hate to let anyone down, oh especially you babe! I've paid for another month and I know you'll get this letter soon. 55 more days until we see one another.. I've been watering the soil in your garden but that's as far as I can go. I know shit about gardening. Hopefully you will grow some wildflowers as pretty as you are.

What could I say? He was right. We had both done things to hurt each other but love had to be stronger. I still believed in it.

55 days later he picked me up in his Denali. I felt extremely calm. A little shaky and afraid. I had gotten better with medication and extensive therapy. I was to go twice a month probably forever but I felt better.. Almost whole.

You've gained weight.. He said softly. His beard had grown, his dreads had been cut to his shoulders.. He was right. I had gained 25 pounds and now weighted in at 130. My clothes still fit. My hair had remained the same. Pulled up in a bun On top of my head.

Thanks. I replied with a grin. There were many unanswered questions in both of our heads. We wanted to talk.. We wanted to dive back into life, but I wasn't sure if we could like that. Would it be easy?

We stopped for pizza before we got home, and as soon as we got there I felt weird..

I'm here.. Jay said grabbing my hand. We walked in slowly. Everything was the same. Polished hardwood floors, a stack of sports and military magazines on the coffee table and the burgundy couches. The robe I had worn that night was neatly folded on my favorite chair.

Jayson.. I'm afraid. I whispered. He looked at me and engulfed me in a hug. I let him hold me and the tears began to fall.

Don't be afraid. His large hands rubbed my back and I cried openly on his chest.

I missed you so much.. I looked up into those eyes and brushed a wayward dreadlock out of the way. His pretty eyes took me in.

And I you. Every night I was getting high and drinking. Sleeping alone in our bed.. You weren't there.. For 90 days.

I'm sorry.. I began.

Don't say that.. Don't be sorry. Just love me like I love you.

We slowly got back into our old routine. The separate bed in the separate room became the guest bedroom...



The next afternoon we boarded the flight. I was excited that we were going on a vacation together. We had never been able to. Celebrating 5 years of marriage.. A 15 hour flight meant sleeping on Jay's broad chest and listening to him breathe as we flew. He had chosen first class seats with complementary wine and chocolates. He fed me one and we both had a glass of Merlot as the plane ascended. We chatted softly as the plane flew.

There's this pastry shop my mom used to let me walk to.. The best loaves of bread I've ever tasted. I would get them fresh and have smoked fish and cheese cubes after school.

You were only 5 when you left? I asked.

Yeah, close to 6. There was safety and freedom for children here. My mom would give me money and my dad would watch from the porch with a gun tucked in his pocket.

How can you remember these moments? I asked incredulously.

Good memory. My brain is like a bear trap.

It is..

We both had another glass of wine and I fell asleep holding on to Jay.

Babe.. Babe.. Jay gently shook me and I wiped the sleep from my eyes.

I peeked out the window and saw the airport and words I didn't recognize.

Ahh where are we? I asked.

We're at the Florence airport. I came back here when I was 21 just to visit..

We received our bags and headed to hail a taxi.

Florence looked like any other populated city. There was water everywhere though, and flowers! And beauty.

Let's go see things! I exclaimed.

Hold on.. We will check in first then I want a little nap.

That meant that I couldn't go out until he got up, but I had brought my iPad and some knitting to work on. Jayson had booked a room with no tv so that we could concentrate on one another but he had allowed me to bring the iPad. He was also a sucker for his. He loved graphic novels depicting violence and military.

We arrived and I looked in awe before snapping a picture with my phone. A tall building with big glass windows and classic touches. There was gold everywhere. My reaction must have been what Jay was expecting for he just smiled and let me admire it.

He grabbed my hand and led us inside.

Mr and Mrs. Pirelli. Jayson said before a sentence in Italian. Everyone around was looking at us but it wasn't that awkward staring. Jay and I looked beautiful together. If only our life was as beautiful as it appeared.

We had room 823 which was our wedding date. It was summer in Italy and I itched to throw on something skimpy and go dancing with Jay tonight.
He was tired and I could tell. He let us in and shed his shoes right at the door.

I'm gonna take a shower... He let the invitation stay in the air and I threw off my summery dress and panties. He looked at me in surprise and took off his shirt and checkered shorts. The windows were open and golden curtains fluttered in the breeze. The sun was filling the room with a soft natural light and I loved it.

Babe.. He walked over to me and grabbed my naked waist before kissing my lips softly. Even a 15 hour flight couldn't deflate Jay.

Do we have room service?

Mini bar and fresh fruit is right here. Free belvedere vodka on deck and chilled wine. Ice down the hall. He began.

I kissed his lips softly to shush him and we landed in the bed. It was soft as feathers. Jay got in top and looked into my eyes as he thrusted.

I told you.. It would be more fun to do it here. Have you ever seen anything like this? It's lovely.

It is. I began...

Later that night we showered again and dressed. I slipped on a leather mini and a gauzy yellow tank. My hair was down and curled to my waist. Black heeled and buckled booties were on my feet and Jay on my arm. I was ready to enjoy myself. Being here was so energizing and fun. Seeing new things excited me. Jay had thrown on a pair of straight leg black Levi's and a white button up that fit him perfectly. On his feet were gator boots. His sexy arms flexed and those tattoos made him delicious. He had already scored some street Coke and his eyes were beautifully illuminated. We were ready to party. We had never done this before.. For the better part of our relationship I had been very sick. Since I had gotten back to my regimen and introduced more exercise and therapy into my life I had been slowly getting out of bed and doing things. The day before I packed I had even driven out to the mall and spent a little bit.

The club was called spicy and it was playing music that made you want to dance. Jay ordered us shots of henn and we enjoyed those before heading to the floor. Something sultry came on and I began dancing on him at once. The way his eyes studied my movement told me he wanted me in the worst way.

Stop it... He growled. When jay got all primal it turned me on. Sometimes he would take complete control. I moved my body closer to his and let it become part of the music. His hungry eyes roved over me and he set his hands on my hips.

I said stop.. He began. If jayson used the same rhythm that he used in bed to dance, we would have aFabulous night. I gyrated my hips a bit more and stole a kiss from his waiting lips. The next song came on. Wetter by twista playing in an Italian club... I loved it. Jay matched my rhythm as I danced on him, his hard on very evident against my ass.

You wore that. Miniskirt you wore those heels and your hair down.. Why are you doing this to me? You've got my dick so hard.. It's going to ruin my pants.

I dipped low on him then came back so that we were chest to chest. I had slipped on my laciest and blackest sexy lingerie. Jay bit his lips and I could see the tension. He was fighting hard to keep his composure .

Nicole... God I don't want you to stop but if you don't I swear I will fuck you right here In this club..

I dipped again and grinded gently against Jay's pelvis. He did that primal growl and gently grabbed my hips to guide right to where he wanted me to be. The song ended and jayson grabbed me and threw me against the wall. He paused only to kiss my lips before letting his hand creep up under my skirt. I moaned into his mouth and he gently spread my lips and rubbed. My skin was slick with sweat. I had long ago pulled my hair up. My makeup looked fabulous in spite of the sweat.

Jay.. I whispered. He rubbed slow and in a circle then gently stuck his fingers inside of me. I felt my wetness soak the thong and he pulled his fingers out and sucked them.

Jayson! I moaned, my voice lost to the music.

Dance on me some more.. He demanded. The song switched again and we moved closer in this stolen space. Fresh summer air, hot music, cool drinks... Jay, me.. We moved closer, jay let me rest my head against his chest. We rocked and rolled and moved in unison with each other until the lights came on. We strolled hand in hand down the block and jay pulled me aside into a quaint alley.

Babe.. You were awesome. He kissed my lips gently and boosted me up on him so I could wrap my legs round his waist. We kissed again, deeper and deeper still. We devoured each other and I felt jay unzip his pants. He pushed inside of me, then we were fucking, just like that. His strength was astonishing. He held me against him and gently kissed my lips while thrusting.

Oh jay... I didn't want him to stop.

We woke up the next afternoon to beauty and sun.

Today we have to go sightseeing. I pouted.

You're so cute sometimes nik. Jay chuckled and strapped on his prosthetic before walking to the bathroom. I slipped on a robe and headed to the balcony. So many flowers were here. I couldn't wait to see them! I took my pills for the day and slipped on a pair of cropped skinny pants, a backless blouse and my favorite Gucci slippers, then did a quick smoky eye and a deep magenta lip. Jay emerged from the bathroom and looked at me in surprise.

Nicole . I wanted you to have my child.. Someone who could be our legacy.

It's better this way.. I wanted to have a son for us jayson.. I wanted to love a child like I had never been loved. I would never hurt my baby..

I'm sorry.. That we cannot.

Aren't we enough? I asked softly.

You're everything. I'm aware that you've been hurt.. I never wanted a child with anyone but you..

Jayson.. I crossed the room and kissed his cheek softly. If I could, and I had the mental capacity.. I'd give you a child.. But I can't. We are imperfect.. We both have issues that are bigger than us. I hate for you to have to see me.. Breaking. Coming undone. I regret doing it to you.. How could I hurt my baby too?

I know.. He answered. Sometimes my mind just runs away from me.. You're more than enough for me. You became my wife. I'll never have another. I gave you the Pirelli name... My love, forever.

He pulled out a pair of cargo shorts, limited edition Jordan's and a black t shirt. The color black looked absolutely gorgeous against his mocha skin.

How about the gondola today?

Sounds good! He replied.

You booked it already didn't you? I asked with a smile.

Of course! You've only been talking about gondolas forever!

Oh jay!!!!

We headed to a canal and boarded. It was beautiful. Jay protectively slung his arm around my shoulder and we rode. I snapped pictures and jay translated everything to me. I never wanted to leave.

Jay, I love it here. I genuinely did.

What are you saying? He asked gently .

I hid a smile and rested my head upon his chest. Our fingers interlocking, watching the water.

We Ended up at a small outdoor cafe and ordered cool sandwiches and mojito. Today was August 23rd 2018, our 5th year as a married couple. It seemed like so long ago that we had exchanged vows in a Pasadena courthouse. He had slipped the diamond on my finger, I had slipped the engraved Pirelli ring on his finger and we had become the Pirelli family. Here we were, 5 shaky and Drama filled years later. We had been through so much violence, so many tears. So much pain.

Hey.. Stop thinking about the bad. It's our anniversary! I jerked my head up in surprise and sipped my drink.

Sorry..

Anyway, I got you something. Jay reached into his pocket and produced a velvet box.
I stuck my hand out and he kissed it before slipping a beautiful green jeweled ring on ,y finger. A light band with three peridots set upon a diamond. It looked beautiful alongside my wedding band.

I got you one as well..

I slipped a diamond encrusted ring upon his wedding finger and he looked in awe.

Nicole oh my god! Where did you find this?

It's a secret! I exclaimed.

It's gorgeous . I've never had anyone else do the things you do for me. You were so scared to give yourself to me but when you did I knew we would last.

I'd hoped for forever but I'll settle for 50 years. I began. He smiles at me over the table then grabbed my hands before sipping from his glass.

I want to move here Jayson .. Someday.

Pasadena isn't good? He gently kidded.

It's wonderful... I love our home in Pasadena. I love our privacy and our safe haven..

I'll do whatever it takes to please you.. He began. But I don't think it's good for us to move here.. You're not familiar with the language and my VA benefits wouldn't be the same.

I see. It's still a dream.

After my last stay in the mental hospital, I hadn't come back "cured" but I had been given a new cocktail of medications which allowed me to feel less intense feelings and emotions. I had always hidden my emotions and I had been bad at that. On the bipolar end I could be extremely bubbly and high strung with a ridiculously low depression. Jayson had seen every emotion, both good and bad, and I was tired of feeling unhinged and crazy. With this new medication, I was very flat and apathetic. Nothing really made me extremely angry, but I wasn't feeling joy either. He brought it up after a lunch at my favorite cafe.

Are you okay?

I had paused to take a sip from my green tea, then shrugged softly before looking at him.

I feel good. Not depressed.. The anxiety flares up at times.. But I'm not suicidal..I mean I feel now how normal people must feel.

That's not what I mean... Do you feel? Flat?

I've been eating like a fool. I gained 10 pounds! I exclaimed.

Your emotions.. They seem to be gone.

I've noticed it. Honestly l like it. The feelings aren't as intense and I don't cry all the damn time. It's welcome..

You're Cold and uncaring.!

I could see where he was coming from but he couldn't possibly expect me to be normal without medication. The thought itself was funny

Jayson.. My love still burns hot for you. I used to have extreme mood swings but now it's all gone . I hate to say it, but Im Boring now...

No.. It's just unsettling. I've never seen you so ..

Flat? I offered.

You're usually so high strung and wound up and manic and buzzy...

I don't miss it.

I don't either...

I shrugged again and looked at him. I was on a heavy cocktail of antidepressants, mood stabilizers, and anti psychotic meds. Sometimes I felt really out of it, but some days were ok.

I'm sort of doped up. But it's not hell a anymore jayson.

I guess I want to know how it feels..

I get to be tipsy all the time... I said with a smile

But really jayson... It's weird. Some days I'm not myself or I'm not really here.. I felt more free off medications but I was a lot more dangerous and unstable..

I'll never know what a real person feels like because I've never been one. I've been chasing normality forever and I can't seem to find it. Coke, liquor, and weed only get me so far. The rest of the trip I'm extremely... Like the usual me. I finished. Jayson looked at me, then cleared his throat.

I apologize. I know it's been hard for you. I just can't seem to.. Imagine.

You don't have to. That's the good part about being sane. You don't have to worry about your triggers and trying to put on a good face. I sat back and sipped from my drink while Jayson looked on.

Let's just relax.