Toilet Paper

Toilet Paper





Samson Farce was out before dawn, riding the slopes before it got too crowded and loud. He was taking a much needed vacation with his new girlfriend, Darcy Childs, from his unnaturally busy job as his town's gravedigger.


Suddenly, Samson's stomach rumbled very loudly, causing Darcy to jump in her seat in their ski lift. Down at the lodge, the pair could smell sausages cooking and potatoes roasting in the cafeteria.


"I'm getting hungry too," Darcy rubbed her stomach, which grumbled as well, but less loudly.


"I think we should go in for breakfast when we get back down the slope," Samson suggested.


Darcy nodded.


The lift dropped the couple at the top of the mountain where Samson put his ski goggles back on and turned to his girlfriend.


"See you at the bottom," she said, pulling her own goggles over her eyes and pushing off down the mountain.


Samson was about to start after her when his stomach rumbled again, but not from hunger. The sudden urge to poop ripped through his body, causing him to double over in pain. The feeling left him unable to move for a gut-wrenching moment. He swallowed hard and pushed off down the slope, not able to go fast enough.


He stopped at the first checkpoint he came to, which had a tiny bathroom. Samson hurriedly kicked off his skies and waddled into the single toilet bathroom where he relieved himself in the manner that makes you wonder why nature calls upon your body to have such vile movements (I will leave the sort of vile-ness to your imagination).


Samson looked to the wall where toilet paper should have been rolled. Should have been. On the wall instead was a brown tube covered in white scraps.


Samson releases a moan of pure frustration as he glances around the little room. He wondered how long it had been since maintenance had maintained. There was a small cabinet under the sink, which was across the room.


He leaned, hoping to not have to get up. His fingers grazed the handle and Samson falls flat on his face. He scrambled to his feet, kicking his pants off in the process. He yanks open the cabinet. A pair of dusty rolls toilet paper sat. He grabs one.


Curiously, this brings up thoughts of his ex-wife, a woman called Nina. She made a habit of never replacing the toilet paper.


After he was done, he realized how hungry he was as he put his skies back on. He fixes his goggles and makes his way down the mountain.


Darcy is waiting for him on the porch.


"Are you ok?" She called.


"Yeah, I had a bit of a bathroom experience," Samson replied.


Darcy grabbed Samson's hands. "Sam, we just got a call. When we get back you have a job."


"Of course I do. It seems like everyone is dying," Samson answered.


"Sam, it's Nina. She drove her car into a tractor trailer and was killed on impact." Darcy hugged him as a sense of shock sets in.


"What?" He asked.


Darcy told him what she knew and held Samson in a hug. He wasn't sure how to feel. They hadn't really spoken since the divorce two years ago, but he had once loved her. Their marriage had fallen apart due to her repulsion to his work. It had taken someone special, like Darcy, to finally fill the void she had left him.


Samson tried to enjoy the rest of their vacation, but personally knowing who would be in the grave was a dark cloud. He hoped Darcy understood.





Samson returned to work the following week with the dark cloud still hanging over him.


He hiked out to the plot of land, his favorite shovel in hand. The grave was located under a small dogwood tree, just beginning to bloom.


As he drove his shovel's blade into the earth Samson couldn't help recall the checkpoint on the mountain. His final thought of Nina, knowing her as a living being, was she never replaced the toilet paper.