This Time

This Time
- A very short story of hope and darkness


“This time… this time I’m going to do it!” I said it loudly, excited, hopeful…

I could almost feel the sneer, even before the words finished forming.
“Of course you will.” It was dripping with sarcasm.

“No, really. I really mean it. This time it’ll work.” I sounded confident. I did mean it.

“What makes you think you can actually do it? You’ve failed so many times before.”

Failed. What a harsh word. But it’s right. I have failed – every single time I tried.
Still I’m hopeful. “This time, I’ve got a plan! You see, I bought a book and I’ve followed what it said…”

“A book?! Seriously? You’ve read books before…”

“But this one’s different. I really believe in what it says. Besides, I made a plan. I wrote it down… I’ve got it all worked out, you see. Here. Let me show you…”

That’s when it cut me off. Suddenly, without warning, without regard to my feelings, my hopes.

“WRONG! You’re WRONG! You’ll NEVER do it! You can’t stick with it! What makes you think you would ever be able to?!! You can’t. Because you’re not good enough.”

I stopped short. Not good enough?

“What do you mean? I’m good enough! I’m, I’m smart. I’m strong. I’m …”

The derisive laughter caught me off guard. It echoed though the emptiness and came to rest at the bottom of my soul. I stopped short. My breath lodged in my chest. Not good enough? Isn’t that what I’ve always feared? Perhaps always known?

Again I say, quietly now, “I’m good enough. This time will work.” But it lacks conviction. Doubt begins to creep forward – not into my mind, just forward. It’s always been there, living and lurking in the darkness. I’ve tried to deny it, but that’s just one more thing I can’t do.

“See. I told you so. You can’t convince the world. You can’t even convince yourself.”

I wonder why it pauses.

Then it comes swiftly, like a shot, straight to the core of my being.
“Why do you even bother to try? You’re stupid to think you can do it. Remember – you’re NOT GOOD ENOUGH!”

I hang my head.
It’s right. I won’t. I can’t. Ever.
Why do I try? Why do I waste my time and my energy?

I turn away… dejected… back to my mere existence.
Beaten down once more…
Sad…
Lonely…

Not Good Enough…

This time…
it won’t work….

The darkness slowly closes in….