Coolest Man in the Universe

Coolest Man in the Universe by Rory F Smith
Chapter One
Get down with the boogie, woogie monster.
Get down with the boogie, woogie monster.
You can hear the funky beat.
So step the to the floor.
When Cool Rebel in town, you gonna get down.
Ain’t that right baby.
Be a 24 karat cool dude.

The Prime Minister of the United Kingdom Doctor Staid, was a 50 year old black Welsh woman, unmarried with no children. To her she was married to the country she ruled. She was so popular that even the Queen used to bow down to her. But there was a problem, an epidemic of crime was sweeping the nation. Blamed on youth pro gangster, pro wife beating, pro harassment culture. And Doctor Staid knew there was only person to call for help.
Cool Rebel was the coolest man in the city of Saint Reba. He had hit the headlines after appearing on a terrible TV chat show called the Billy Skye Show, where the host attempted to humiliate him, but Cool used his charm, charisma, and jokes to become the most popular man in the country. He charmed everyone on the show. With his cool dude mannerisms, sayings, affectations, and lack of affectations. Cool managed to record a number one hit song, and sleep with some of the most beautiful women in the world. He had a trademark symbol of sticking his thumbs up behind each ear, like ear rings, that all the kids tried to copy.

The Prime Minister had hooked up a red hot phone as the hotline to three of the most important people to turn question in a crisis.
1) The President of the USA; Michelle Roosevelt.
2) The President of the European Union; William Hammer.
3) Cool Rebel; The coolest rebel in the universe.

She phoned up Cool Rebel and was relieved for him to answer. The phone was very hot and she did not want to hold it for too long, so she put it on speaker

Cool Rebel replied, ‘Yo dudette, great to speak to cool lady Prime Minister. I hope you ain’t having any trouble.’
The Prime Minister said ‘I hope I haven’t interrupted you!’
Cool Rebel shrugged smugly then stated, ‘I’m just chilling with a couple of hot barn burner ladies in my Jacuzzi.’

Doctor Staid replied, ‘I need your help Cool Rebel. I do not know if you realise, but there is an epidemic of crime in the country. We need a new hero as a role model for the kids not to take up crime. Are you up for it?’
Cool Rebel replied, ‘Yes. I love to be a role model for the kids. It is an issue that is close to my heart. The kids don’t need some crumb laying it down to them. They need someone they respect and that man is me.’

Now what I did not tell you was that Cool Rebel was a chalk and cheese character. He was a marmite man, In the way I do not mean he liked to eat marmite, I mean some hated him, some loathed, some loved him with a passion. You either loved or hated Cool Rebel.
And that was the way it was for Cool Rebel.
You see let me describe Cool Rebel. He was 26 years old, wore sun glasses, leather jacket, jeans. He drove a Ferrarborghini. A car he made himself based on combining the best works of Ferrari and Lamborghini. He designed his own clothes himself from the charity shops. He loved eating Greek olives, Scottish oats, English apples, Caribbean bananas, Welsh cakes, Italian kiwi fruit, New Zealand kiwi fruit, Australian cheese and Canadian milk. He collected credit cards, and fruit labels, and supported Scottish football, and ice hockey. He would regularly come up with new ideas for the reform of Scottish football.
And most importantly he was the best looking man in universe and oozed charisma and charm, from every cell of his being.

Chapter Two - The Bad Guy Meets Cool Rebel
Cool Rebel had been invited to London, and as he was walking down the street he passed a expensive looking jagpard car. In the back was billionaire tyrant Adolf Musslini, and the real power behind his evil in the world the ruthless gangster Jonny Nowhomez an evil murdering gangster, rapist, criminal. Nowhomez was a school bully, wife beater, and would call people mong, creep, freak if he did not like the way they looked.
Jonny saw a woman in a wheelchair moving on the pavement, and wound down the window to shout out horrible abuse at her. He called her every name under the sun and thought he was a comedy genius for doing so. Then he saw a little boy and asked for the car to swerve at the boy to scare him, shouting, ‘Quick run over that spasmodo.’ But fortunately the chauffer pretended he could not hear him.
Also in the car were two beautiful women, that Jonny was dating. But they were not very nice people and laughed at their benefactors work. As if it was a joke.
Then Jonny Nowhomez bit off more than he could chew. He looked at Cool Rebel and shouted out, ‘What the hell is that creep doing?’
Cool Rebel stopped and looked into the car he walked over and introduced himself, ‘What seems to be the trouble there? Are you a crumb?’
Jonny Nowhomez sneered back, ‘You look like a mong freak.’
Cool Rebel then glanced at the two women in the car. They went all giggly when they saw his handsome features.
Jonny Nowhomez was furious and commanded his driver to drive 100 yards down the street, then shouted at his girlfriends to get out of the car. He shouted, ‘I saw the way you bitches were looking at that creep. You can walk home on my back.’
A few minutes later Cool Rebel bumped into the two girls and the next thing he knew they were back in his house making sweet love.
Outside Cool Rebel’s house though some paparazzi had managed to photo Cool Rebel going into his house with the two girls and staying over night with him.
Back in Jonny Nowhomez skyscraper penthouse Jonny was talking about political correctness. Jonny liked to think of himself as left wing, but hated politically correct people and would say things like. ‘I hate all this wankey political correctness.’
Jonny hated nerds, goody two shoes. weirdoes, gays, jews, the disabled, ethnic minorities, the bullied, the oppressed,, child abuse victims, and lesbians. But he wrote off all these politically incorrect values by saying that he was left wing, on the back of no evidence.

When Jonny Nowhomez got the news that his girlfriend and her friend had been seen in Cool Rebel’s house and obviously engaged in sex he was furious. He screamed to his dictator friend Adolf, ‘Kill Cool Rebel and my two ex girlfriends, with your secret police force. They are nothing to me.’
But over the next few weeks they could not kill Cool Rebel, they were in public too much as Cool Rebel took out the two bad girls gone good to fancy nightclubs.
Cool Rebel got both of the girls pregnant.

Chapter Three
Jonny Nowhomez needed a plan to get back at Cool Rebel.
Cool Rebel’s new good role model work of appearing on TV in adverts extolling youngsters not to bully, not to rape, not to wife beat, not to mug, not to steal or not to keeps slaves, and especially not to see bullies as sexy, had already lead to 97 per cent decrease in crime.
This plan ate massively into Jonny Nowhomez criminal empire, and he had been forced to sell 5 of his jaguar cars.
He knew with his dwindling supply of hard men that he needed something big to change the mood to show that evil was the way forward.
He used 6 of his most evil henchmen to kidnap Charlie, the wife of President Michelle Roosevelt.
While Charlie was visiting a charity event to raise awareness for lesbian school girls. The six henchmen shot dead Charlie’s bodyguards then dragged her into a black van.
Later that evening the evil Jonny Nowhomez and his gangster pals sent a video message live to the world saying that unless Cool Rebel and his bad girl gone good girlfriends gave themselves in for execution then they would kill 5 innocent children and Charlie Roosevelt the wife of President Michelle Roosevelt.

Chapter Four
Cool Rebel was prepared to give himself in to save the innocents but not his bad girl gone good girlfriends. He had too much respect for women.
Cool Rebel made his way to the gangster state of Adolf, where Jonny Nowhomez was keeping the kidnap victims. Into the nation of North Landstanland.
The city capital, Old Falatoori, was full of 10 million inhabitants. In a wide rocky valley shaped like a cauldron, lying at high altitude. With craggy peaks stretching to the horizon. A central business district of 30 skyscrapers. And the most imposing of all skyscrapers the Adolf the First 1 mile skyscraper, standing with gold coloured spiralling stripes round the circular sphere shaped building. But on top was the luxury fortress of the dictator and his puppet master Jonny Nowhomez.
Cool Rebel could not speak the language of Landstanland, but was able to enter the country with false passport, pretending to be a fan of a Scottish football club who were playing Old Falatoori in a cross border cup game.
At first Cool Rebel passed himself off with a disguise wearing tartan kilts, and a woolly harris tweed jumper. He looked the best looking coolest man in the world. And he used his charm and good looks to charm his way through the security checks into the skyscraper. At first he used his looks, then he used his typical cool dude mannerisms. Incredibly he was allowed into the luxury elite skyscraper that went to the top floor fortress of Adolf‘s skyscraper.

Chapter Five
Adolf and Jonny Nowhomez were sitting by the luxury TV screen and watching a basketball game.
Suddenly they heard a voice behind them. Cool Rebel said, ‘Your groove just isn’t my bag.’
Adolf and Jonny Nowhomez turned round.
Jonny Nowhomez screamed, ‘How the hell did this creep get in here?’
Cool Rebel replied, ‘Man this guy is just a boogie man. I don’t trust no boogie man.’
Jonny Nowhomez jamp toward Cool Rebel.
Cool Rebel ducked, as Jonny Nowhomez fell head first onto the floor. Jonny Nowhomez hit the ground with his head. But there was more pain. Jonny did not see there was a statue on the floor, where he hit, and the statue went right through the chest of Jonny Nowhomez.
Jonny Nowhomez screamed in pain. He cried.
Cool Rebel replied in great compassion ‘I’m really laying down some clams tonight.’
Nowhomez whispered his last words, What is crams?’
Cool Rebel replied, ‘Mistakes.’
Nowhomez died within seconds.
Cool Rebel coolly said, ‘Where did you put the hostages?’
Adolf screamed. ‘I surrender. You are the coolest man in the world. I give in to your demands.’
Cool Rebel was shown to where Charlie and the children were being held.
Cool Rebel made sure all the hostages were taken to safety, getting passports and visas, and embassy staff to make sure they were all safe.
Cool Rebel then invited over his two bad girls gone good to the city to stay in the dictator’s Jacuzzi.
The gang returned to the UK, where the Queen knighted the great Cool Rebel as Sir Cool Rebel.
Queen Lisa the first black Queen of the United Kingdom. Became Queen after the previous King had married a black lady. And produced the first half African Queen. She was interested in jazz and understood the lingo of the coolest man in the universe, Sir Cool Rebel. She also did work for children’s charities.
Sir Cool Rebel was interviewed by TV interviewer Roger Swindlehobble, on a 2 hour channel across al UK TV networks.
Sir Cool Rebel’s gay friend Moggie, a blonde haired short musician invited Sir Cool Rebel and Sir Cool Rebel’s two girlfriend to a concert he did. Moggie said, ‘I brought my axe with me.’ This meant his musical instrument which was a saxophone.
Sir Cool Rebel sat and stated, ‘Don’t moments like this chill 'ya.’

Chapter Six
Sir Cool Rebel spent the next year lying low, he was a hero. But like a typical cool dude he was humble. There he helped his two women bring up his babies.
Sir Cool Rebel went to ground with his women, his two children and a nanny to look after the kids.
But the Prime Minister and President wanted to thank him, they traced him to a lake in Central Kazakhstan, where a mobile boat was sailing around, the shoreline.
In Downing Street the Prime Minister of the UK, and President of the USA were controlling a remote controlled camera robot to find Sir Cool Rebel to send him their thank you.
The PM and President were in a room of 15 men and women who were controlling the robots.
The Prime Minister had a speech planned. But the remote controlled robot walked into the boat deck then traced Sir Cool Rebel’s voice coming from a room. The robot walked over, then the men in the Downing Street room started guffawing and ladishly laughing.
You see Sir Cool Rebel could be seen by the camera making love to his 2 wives. The chief scientists laughed, the PM and President looked embarrassed but then laughed along with the other men and women in the room.
The chief scientist said, ’Typical Sir Cool Rebel at it again. Does he ever stop.’

Then the credits rolled, with the next film in the series named for viewers.

Diolch.