Thoughts on loneliness and headaches

I sometimes think of Loneliness as certain memories or associations. When I lived in Texas I remember sitting alone in a dark parking lot eating dinner from a burger place. I would often listen to the Rilo Kiley album Takeoffs and Landings. There are the times I would be sitting at a table full of people I did not know, having nothing to say to them. Trivia nights were the only nights I generally looked forward to, as at least those were with coworkers.


In the field of Psychology there are around 4 different approaches for dealing with loneliness. One approach is focusing on efforts to improve social skills. Enhancing social support is also an approach. Another is increasing opportunities for social interaction. None of these three have been shown to be that effective.


Changing maladaptive thinking is the approach that has been shown to have some success. This addresses the fact that lonely people tend to think the worst of any social situation they find ambiguous. They are more focused on negative social information. They remember more of the negative interactions, and come to expect more of them in the future. Anxiety about a social situation will make them focus on anything that might have gone wrong. To mitigate this method of thinking a wider perspective is needed. They can try to see things from the perspective of others and interpret those responses in a more positive manner.


There was a night where I was at a club after a concert. I entered the place with a positive mindset, but after a moment of hesitation I ended up split from the group. It is the initial hesitation, that period of uncertainty that I struggle with. It will often lead to me second guessing myself. I can sometimes recover quickly, but the longer I wait the more unlikely a recovery becomes. After that point I tried to project a neutral to positive face, but I wasn’t able to quell the internal self-criticism. I can think that something shouldn’t be that hard to do, but am too uncertain to actually do it by myself. The battery on my cellphone was nearly dead, I didn’t have that available as a temporary distraction to regain my composure. I would continually debate with myself whether I should leave because I did not feel like I belonged. I needed a way to clear my mind, something I was unable to do there alone. More uncertainty, of whether I would be able to get back in is what ultimately kept me there.


It becomes draining constantly dealing with headaches. How do people cope with more significant chronic conditions? Ultimately in a similar matter I suspect. Some days will be good and you won’t think about it. More often it will be something that’s part of your daily rituals. I find myself constantly estimating if I need to take a pill, or if it’s a day where it won’t develop into much of anything. Some days I do not guess correctly. Days like those can kill any good mood I may have. It can end with me sitting in my room, feeling alone and in pain.


My living situation has always left me unsettled in certain ways. From the roommate who complained about the smell of my cooking and why didn’t I go out more. I started getting food out more after that. Having to have someone pass through your room in order to do laundry. The sound of the other bedroom door in my apartment would cause a slight jolt every time I heard that sound behind my closed door. In this place I twice had a replacement roommate come in without any real involvement on my part. Any place I’ve moved to where someone has already been living there has never really felt like mine. Perhaps I should have got a place without roommates sooner, but again there was that uncertainty.


For me, winter is the season of loneliness. Public spaces are emptier, the people still in them insulated from their surroundings. The day is shorter and the sun almost gone when it comes time to leave work. When spring comes, I see it as a reminder. The days become longer again, the sun not something you only see for a brief part of your day. I am once again able to walk outside unencumbered, with no goal in sight. Spring is a reminder of these things that I enjoy and a reminder that winter will pass.