Thanksgiving Stakeout

I found the perfect hiding spot. Sure, the tree branch jabbing my liver is a little uncomfortable, but it's nothing compared to hosting that holiday bloodbath. I should have known all the chocolate was just my wife's way of bribing me into wrangling Thanksgiving dinner. The traitor.
"Uncle Jay? Whatcha doing all the way up there?"
Oh good lord, it's little Tiffy. If she’s here, the rest of the family is, too. The war has begun.
"Are you pretending to be a squirrel?"
This could still work out. Tiffy's only five, she shouldn't be that hard to fool... right?
"That's right! I'm hibernating for the winter, so don't disturb me."
"Don't be silly, Uncle Jay. Squirrels don't hibernate."
I forgot, Tiffy's parents are the academic freaks. Just another reason to stay up here.
"Well, I'm a special squirrel."
"I know! Mommy says you're special in the head!"
Oh, did she now?
"Does your Mommy say anything else about me?"
"Mmm hmm... she said you'd run away for Thanksgiving."
"Well, Mommy's right for once."
"You're running away, Uncle Jay?"
Whoops.
"Nope, I'm actually stuck up here."
"Really?! I'll get you a ladder!"
"No! Uh, I mean, I'm allergic to ladders."
"Are you fibbing?"
"Would I lie to you, sweetie?"
"You lie to Mommy when you tell her how pretty she looks all the time."
"That's different. I'd be in more trouble if I told the truth."
"So you're not really allergic to ladders."
"Oh, no! I am completely allergic! When I was a kid I got a splinter from a radioactive ladder, and now I break out in hives whenever I touch one."
"Then why aren't you allergic to the tree?"
"What?"
"Trees are made of wood, just like ladders."
"Um... that ladder was made of birch wood. This is a maple tree."
"I'm not stupid, Uncle Jay."
"Did your Mommy tell you that?"
"Mmm hmm."
"Then I wouldn't be preaching it to the treetops, honey bunches."
"You're mean. I'm telling Mommy you're hiding from everyone."
"No! Please, don't make me go back there!"
"Ha! So you are running away!"
"It's called strategic timing. I'll go back in the house when everyone leaves."
"Aunty Laura won't be leaving."
"I see your point. Hey, why don't you go grab me a slice of Nana's pumpkin pie to keep me from starving out here?"
"Why?"
"Because you love your Uncle Jay."
"That's not fair."
"Hosting a Thanksgiving dinner for gremlins isn't fair either. Do you see me complaining?"
"No, but you're hiding in a tree."
"Take notes. In a couple years, you'll be up here with me. Just a warning for the future, don't fall for the chocolate. Crossies don't count after that."
"Laura! I found your husband! He's in the front yard!"
"Crabapples! I've been discovered by the gremlin queen! Quick, tell your Mommy I'm a squirrel!
"Don't worry, Uncle Jay. Aunty Laura doesn't look mad."
"JAYDEN JOHN DOUGLAS!"
"Tiffy, you did say you weren't stupid, right?"