Darn You Government

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                                        Shenoy          
Saurav Shenoy
Professor Wells
English 102
21 October 2016

Darn You Government

Anyone not frozen like Captain America for over a century should know the United States government is drowning in trillions of dollars of debt. Nineteen trillion to be exact. Despite the millions of Americans clamoring for the government to fix this seemingly irreparable problem, for some reason the government has not yet poofed its wand to make the nineteen trillion dollars vanish. Is the problem really insurmountable though? Upon closer inspection, turns out the solution is as simple as one plus one: decrease spending and increase taxes at the same time.
There are three basic socioeconomic classes in America: the top one percent that Bernie Sanders emphasized so much in the recent Democratic election that it became a "meme," the middle class that makes up the majority of the population, and the lower class hovering near the poverty line. Each should be taxed more in order to fix the problem at hand. Even though our favorite socialist politician incidentally turned inequality into a joke, the inequality in America is no laughing matter. Millions of people have heard their calls for a more equal America go unheard--till now. With my plan, not anymore America.
The inequality problem is simple: the top one percent owns nearly half of the population's wealth. Why not change that? Simply tax that one percent so much that their after-tax income is equal to the median citizen's income. With my plan, even the kind, loving, politically-correct orange haired billionaires who run for president won't be able to evade tax paying duties. This tax money rapidly shreds the debt numbers, while the rich can go down in the history books as the heroic saviors of our great nation. Who needs money anyway? Equality is where it's at! Clearly a win-win situation.
Would it be fair to increase taxes on just the rich though? No. This is why the middle and lower classes must be taxed to death as well. Some may say that the middle class will be less inclined to spend money if they have less, but that is foolish. We are Americans after all, so it would be ridiculous to pick logic over a pair of Uggs! As for the lower class, they will suffer a little more, falling under the poverty line with not enough money for even basic sustenance. Oh well, you can't win every battle. Who says, after all, that the government has some sort of duty to protect and help all three hundred million citizens just because they live on our soil? Darwin would be proud of this taxation method, as his motto "survival of the fittest" would live on. Furthermore, by not providing for as many people, the overcrowding problem is indirectly fixed too! I mean, who wouldn't want less cars on the highway at peak hour, or less people in front of them in the long lines at grocery stores? Now, the rich people cannot complain that they are being singled out and unfairly taxed, as everybody is being unfairly taxed!
You must be thinking, what will all this extra government revenue go towards? Absolutely nothing! Except paying off debts of course. Contrary to almost every school of thought in economics, the extra revenue will not go towards extra spending.
In fact, two large chunks of government spending can actually be completely eliminated. The first is education. For years, people have been complaining about the lack of money and attention being put into the US education system that lags behind our competitors. Others say college is too expensive. I mean how could an institute where you stay for four years, get taught by top-class professors from around the world, and get tons and tons of resources for free be so expensive?? Cutting out education completely for a year or two will teach people to be grateful. During this two year-long hiatus from learning, more people will join the workforce, meaning more people to tax. Woo!
Military spending is the other completely unnecessary category. Do we really need a military? After all, even the Bible says how words are as sharp as a sword. So the 6.2 million dollar bulldozing beasts, M1A2 tanks, and the flaming fast 150 million dollar F22 raptors can be simply discarded and replaced by harsh words. Where would you get harsh words, you ask? Simply ask the thousands of modern day hip hop rappers for a "bar" from a rap battle. Problem solved!
Clearly, the government has complicated a problem that is very simple to solve. One step is to raise taxes all across the board. When the Brits did it to us a few centuries ago to fund their wars all around the world, it worked out perfectly well. So why wouldn't it work this time? Another step is to simply remove education from the budget temporarily to teach our citizens a lesson, and completely remove the military forever. Completely eliminating two of the largest components of spending while receiving boatloads of extra tax money will skyrocket the profit margin and slash the debt in no time.










Self Evaluation:
There were a few things I found challenging. I have never written a piece of satire before, so this was a learning experience. It was hard balancing the piece at first between making it ridiculous enough that the piece was clearly satire to the readers, and not too ridiculous that the piece does not become funny anymore. One problem I encountered was nearly right away in my opener. I wanted to make the phrase "living under a rock" more creative, so I tried using a modern allusion to the TV show Spongebob, but I was not sure everybody in the audience would understand it. I ended up using Captain America, which was more likely to capture the entire audience. The second challenge was the use of dark humor. In my part about raising taxes on people under the poverty line, I wanted to exaggerate so much that it implied the death of a few people because I thought there was good potential for jokes with the exaggeration, and it would enforce the satire of the piece.
Obviously writing a piece of humor is rewarding and enjoyable itself, but there were a few minor factors that made it extra rewarding. Firstly was being able to use the knowledge I have about vehicular weapons used by all types of the military, such as tanks and planes. That part of the piece in general I found to be very rewarding, as I was even able to add a biblical reference and I believe that was one of the most humorous parts of the piece. Another rewarding part of this was when I allowed a few friends, and even Professor Wells to read it (during a video conference), and them laughing at my jokes. All jokes have an audience, as some humor appeals to some and others to others, but the fact that I was able to get a different types of people to laugh was very rewarding. I often enjoy being sarcastic as a person, so sprinkling in some of my personality within my piece was also fun.
There were a few key uses I used from my model. Firstly, it was a satire in which exaggeration was used to make the point. I also utilized a lot of absurd rhetorical questions, just like my model, in order to demonstrate satire in one way. I also really liked the introduction from my model, so I mimicked its opening sentence in terms of using a similar inflammatory, "duh!" kind of tone. Oversimplification was also abundant in both pieces.
Although I did write a piece of satire with a few similar literary devices (mostly rhetorical question), many of the literary devices I utilized differed from my model. Firstly, I used more sarcasm than my model piece. My title (kind of) used profanity that was not present in my model piece. My piece also in a few places stereotyped the typical American with consumerism and complaining a lot without being grateful, while my model piece did not. Another key part of my piece was a mix of understatement and indirectly making fun of stupidity, not present in the original article.
Overall, I used the article as a base for satire, then built off my own sense of humor, sprinkling in a few devices from the model. Just like the piece I modeled, my article (I think) would work well as a satiric piece on Cracked.com.