Live in the World

If you don't risk anything, you risk more. You risk never living. You risking staying put and letting life pass
you by. If you never risk anything you risk the very chance of nothing exciting happening to you ever. That is a risk that I fear. I fear this whole playing it safe thing will make me never get the chance to really live my life. That is a real deep legitimate fear. I have this fear it follows me every where I go and yet, I still do not do anything because I fear the whole wide world around me. I fear getting hurt, I fear disappointing people, I fear it all. I fear everything. In succumbing to all of these million small little fears I make my biggest fear happen and let my whole life pass me by. So here I am looking out the window sitting in my room and seeing everyone else live their lives. I will sit here and watch the young couple holding hands and looking loving into each others eyes, a mother struggling to put her toddler in the car, a group of teen agers laughing at each other, and here I am inside typing on my computer reflecting on how deeply scared of life I am. I have books- I read, I have my TV- I watch, I have my I-Pod- I listen. I have many different mediums to observe how others live their lives and the constant struggle they go through. It all has to be a struggle. There always has to be conflict but I cannot deal with confrontations. I freeze up, my lips go numb, my skin feels like it wants to jump off of my bones. Everything freezes and goes completely and entirely blank. I cannot deal so I sit in here and wait for the inevitable life to pass me by.

I sighed as I turned off my lap top and then shut it. I waited for the buzzing to go away. Just the other day my brother was telling me how I was a shut in and I needed to get out more. Where would I go? What would I do? The big wide world is filled of scary possibilities of things that can go wrong. Crime is a constant thing. Violence happens everywhere. Then there are all of the people and their faces, their eyes watch me and judge me, they see my over sized shirt and maybe there might be an old stain there. They watch me just knowing how nervous I am. They know how my chest grows tight, and how my stench smells of sweat. My nerves are apparent to everyone and they are all judging me and looking down on me and they all see right through me.

I looked out at that window everything out there was so filled with life though. There were millions of lives being led while I stayed in letting it pass me by while everyone else lived. They had arguments and they struggled and part of me craved that to be close enough to someone to argue with them. It sounded great because at least I would have someone to talk to, someone to fight with, someone that it would matter to me if they were upset with me. That was part of my problem. I stayed in my own corner keeping my head low, keeping out of trouble, staying safe. I was scared of that too. I was afraid of making a friend and then having an argument and then losing that friend. Why go through all of that effort to make a friend only to suffer the pain of losing them?

Then suddenly the window flew open a strong wind fluttering my burgundy curtains.

Uh. This wasn't me. It doesn't feel like me. It isn't who I wanted to be. I wanted to live. I was getting tired of spending my nights by myself with a book, a movie, or a TV show. It was all noise that I tried to fill my mind with rattled business so I could not hear the rabid loneliness within the air. So I didn't hear the creaks within the house and the wind banging against the walls. I needed to fill my mind up and then empty it out.

I took a deep breath and I headed out to walk around the neighborhood. I didn't bring my headphones with me so I would not tune out the world. I wanted to finally live in it. I no longer wanted it to pass me by. I took a brisk walk into my neighborhood. It was a little chilly out so I zipped up my hoody. I was ready for this. I wanted to finally start to live.