Kate's Christmas Carol

1935 words

Verse 1

"Santa is dead!" La Tay informed without preamble. She folded her arms across her oversized bosom. I always thought that my boobs were big until I met her. "So we have a special assignment for you."

"No. I am not going to solve his murder. That man is a leech. A pervert. And I'm a lady"

"Kate, if you were assigned his case you would have to take it. You're a Ghost Detective, not God. Why do I have to remind you of this so much? Also do you really want to talk perversion?" When I shook my head, La Tay sighed. She had come in as my supervisor so happy and full of life, well as full of life as a ghost can be. Then during the course of our work together, she became sullen and bitter. I couldn't figure out why. "You take every chance you get to follow Matthew Stafford into the shower and tried to possess his wife, so as you put it, he could tackle your tight end."

"Like I said, I'm a lady."

"We could do this the easy way and you could just deliver the toys or we can do this the hard way." My eyes lit up, a lecherous grin crept onto my face. "Not that way. You're as bad as the Frat Boys we get up here. If you insist on saying no, three people will visit you and show you the error of your ways. Though I'm not convinced that would do any good, I was out voted."

"This old story? Hasn't it been done to death already? It was better when it was the Grinch, at least he knew how to torture people properly."

"Yes, well when normal people's heart grow three sizes they die. Alas the Grinch is fake and you're already dead. Which means that I pissed someone off and dealing with you must be the price I have to pay for the one night of watching The Brady Bunch."

"I didn't know that The Brady Bunch had a porn parody. I always wondered how Mr. Brady would look naked." La Tay rolled her eyes so hard they popped out of their socket.

"You do know that he was gay in real life, right?"

"Who isn't these days?"

"Kirk Cameron and Josh Duggar."

"No before I died I'm pretty sure that the internet said that they were a gay couple and their wives were lesbian lovers. It makes sense."

"So, the whole you being Santa thing?"

"Not going to happen."

"I guess we're doing this then. Have fun."

Verse 2

"Hey there, Gorgeous." George grinned at me. When we were alive, he was my husband. In the afterlife, he was the Jennifer Lopez to my Mariah Carey. That is to say I avoid him at all costs but he tells everyone that we're married. "Are you ready to go on our little adventure?"

"The only thing that would make this worse is if Stephanie Meyers were writing it and ghosts started sparkling, she really ruined vampires." With a wave of his hand, we changed settings.

Somehow his hands had transported us to the year he had departed Earth and moved to Heaven permanently. In the movies and on TV, when you go back in time either things were in black and white or the edges of the screen wiggled to indicate that it was a dream sequence. Nothing like that happened, we were just transported back in time like we were in the Doctor Who universe.

"Mommy, when is Daddy coming home? That's what I asked Santa for." My little girl, Joy's eyes were wide. The younger, alive version of me took a deep breath and gulped down what I was sure had to be whiskey. "I really miss him."

"Me too, honey." A single tear slid down my face. JB and Toni ran down the stairs, smiles plastered on their young faces.

"Did Santa come?" JB kept his eyes trained on the big package behind the tree.

"Let's open presents to find out." As the kids tore through the wrapping paper, the younger me went to the kitchen for another drink.

"Mom, this present is for you." Joy handed me a flat package. It was shiny green wrapping, with a white name tag attached. 'To: Kate Love, Santa.'

After the kids went back to tearing open their presents, I slid my finger between the flaps of the wrapping paper. Once the paper was off, a small gasp escaped from my mouth. It was a sterling silver picture frame, with my wedding picture in it.

"What's wrong, Mommy?" Toni came running at me with her arms wide open. Another sob had escaped from my throat and the tears were cascading down my face faster than Kris Jenner cashes checks for her daughter's sex tape.

"I just miss your daddy. I wish.... I wish..." And then words popped out of my mouth that would change the family dynamic forever. "I wish he hadn't died."

"Why did our wedding picture upset you so much?" George had a smug look on his face. Sometimes I wished the afterlife were more like old school Jerry Springer and you could throw chairs at people you didn't like. Now that's my idea of Heaven. "I think it's because you love me."

"Dear lord." I shook my head. "What part of 'til death do us part' do you not understand? Death did us part after only 10 years. Had I known that you would torture me for the rest of time, I would have rethought those vows."

"Keep telling yourself that." George kissed my forehead. "Kate, you really need to take over for Santa and deliver those toys. Imagine if he hadn't shown up for our kids, the year I died."

Verse 3

That schmaltzy stuff wasn't going to work on me. No way Jose. George was no Jimmy Stewart and I wasn't desperate to feel emotions. Though it was incredible that Santa had come through for me when I needed him most.

"Why do people and other beings love you so much? I don't get your appeal at all." It was my immortal enemy Anya. She was a were-whore, who was trying to steal George's affections from me. Just because I didn't want him back, doesn't mean I wanted him with anyone else. "You're old and mean, and frankly not funny at all."

"Well we can't all be furry little rodents, now can we?"

"You have the personality of a Kardashian and the looks of a Duggar."

"So, you think I would make a great reality star," Anya waved her hands, the same way George did and we were transported.

We were in my house, the house I lived in when I was alive. Charlene, that wretched thing I had to call a daughter-in-law, was in my kitchen. She and Anya would have been best friends, if supernatural beings were allowed to talk to the Devil's spawn.

"What is she doing?" Charlene scrapped an iron pan with a fork. "You can't do that!"

I tried to run at her but was thrown back. Anya laughed harder than I did when Lindsay Lohan said she deserved to win an Oscar.

"Yeah, apparently, you have a tendency to mess with those that are alive, so the powers that be put up a wall to stop you."

"For Pete Sakes, I change a few paternity tests and try to make my son divorce a woman he should never have married and I'm suddenly known as a troublemaker."

"Where is your son?" Charlene asked, scrapping the fork across the pan again. "He was supposed to show up early to help."

"He's probably with that cop boyfriend of his. I will never understand how he grew up to be gay. I didn't teach him that you know." JB grabbed a fingerful of mashed potatoes from another pot. "Why are you making all of this food. You know it's just going to be the three of us. Toni is in jail and..."

"Joy is off with her new younger boyfriend." Charlene shook her head, as if she had the moral authority to judge anyone. "And I figured I would box up most of the food and take it down to the homeless shelter to make sure that they had enough to eat."

"Why in the world are they kissing? It's disgusting."

"Sounds like you have a lot to think about, dumbass."

There was so much to think about that I didn't return her volley. Was it possible that Charlene had better moral character than I did? Sure, she may be a lousy cook, wife, mother, etc. But could she really be a more caring person than I was?

Verse 4

It was the final night of my tour, and I worried about what I would be shown. For a brief second, I thought about calling La Tay and just giving in but curiosity got the better of me. Well curiosity and a tad bit of masochism.

"Heya, Kate." I was startled to find that it was my buddy Minerva. "I'm supposed to be the stand in for Ghost of Christmas Future."

"Are you going to show me some dystopian future that I can save by being Santa for a year?"

"Trump is President, it doesn't get much more dystopian than that."

"Yeah, I figured that much. So, what are you here for?"

"To finish the trifecta. Ghost, werewolf, and witch." Minerva and I shared a laugh. She waved her hands and we were transported once again.

Jeff paced around the small kitchen, stopping every time he passed the baby in the high chair to give her a kiss. "Where is your daddy, Little Kate? It's not like him to be this late without calling me. Especially ever since we found out that you have..."

Tears welled in his eyes. He picked the baby up and held her close to him. "Your great grandma is looking out for you, for all of us. She won't let anything bad happen. Maybe we won't have Christmas presents but as long as we have each other, that's all we need."

There was a knock on the door. Jeff sat the baby back in her seat. He jogged to the door and was greeted by two police officers. They were holding their hats in front of them and looked somber.

"I'll do it. I'll take Santa's place." There was no way that I was going to let my grandson or Little Kate down. The needed me and hopefully by me doing this, there would be a way to avoid her being sick and Jeff having the same fate as I did.

"I really thought you would have caved with the Charlene being a better person than you. Anyways, the higher ups will be happy. And I can get back to regenerating Santa, so he can be back next year."

"I was going to ask about that."

"As long as he stays away from Rudolph and the Reindeer games, we should be fine after this." Minerva waved her hands and we were back on my cloud. "Have fun delivering all the presents."

"I'll be fine, as long as these people leave out naked hunks for me and not milk and cookies."

After Minerva left, a swirl of magic encompassed me. When it stopped, I was in full Santa drag. "Charlene, Charlene, Charlene." For some reason that's what came out when I said 'Ho, ho, ho.' Who knew why?

Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night.