The Day My Heart Broke

The Day My Heart Broke

My life hasn't been a bowl of cherries. My life has been an abyss filled to the brim with Murphy's Law. If I suddenly have a thought, things are good right now; I just fucked up and jinxed myself. Damned 'Ol Murphy jumps up and bites me on the ass.

One thing I was sure of….I wanted to be a mother one day. Even at an early age the thought of marriage wasn't on my to-do list. Having a child was. I vowed I would give that innocent little being all the love and adoration a mother is supposed to. Something my own mother lacked severely with. Where was the love and adoration from my own mother? I was craving my mother's affection, to have her hold me and sing sweet lullabies. Unfortunately, I was the target of her hatred, the reason why everything was wrong in her life. As a child I learned to walk, no tiptoe around any subject that would awake the ugly monster that lay in wait inside of her. My maternal grandmother tried, but a child wants their mother to love them. It dawned on me that I must be unworthy of this natural, human instinct. A secret jealousy grew in me, whenever I would see other kids my age being engulfed by loving parents, I would wonder what did they do to deserve love?

As I grew, I became increasingly aware that I really wasn't the source of my mother's difficulties. She was diagnosed manic depressive, bi-polar, and had severe anxiety. Still with the up most caution, I was wary of how I approached her. Our roles inexplicably exchanged. Before I realized it, I had become the mother, and she, the temper tantrum prone child.