I'm Gay

I could feel that familiar pain in my chest as I slowly dropped the curtains I had been holding open in anticipation. The image of his car pulling into my driveway disappeared behind the red fabric. The pain was crushing. It made me want to forget every reason I had invited him here. It made me want shut away every part of me that longed for something he could never have. The pain screamed, "You love him!" just as I heard the likewise familiar sound of his car door slamming. All of the parts of myself that had previously convinced me that this was the right decision, that I was setting myself free from a tether that had been holding me down for seventeen years, were suddenly silent. They were going to make me do this on my own. I did love him. And as the doorbell rang, I reminded myself that there were plenty of things I loved, but weren't attracted to. I slowly stood up, moving against every muscle begging for me to open the door and kiss him and every cell in my brain commanding that I find the attraction to him that I had been convincing myself was there for two years. It was only when I was standing in front of the door, only an inch of wood separating me from the man who society told me I should want against me, that I realized I was going to do it. I placed my sweaty palm on the cool metal doorknob, and turned it. I couldn't hold it in anymore. My heart was on my side. It was finally getting it's turn at happiness. We stood face to face. Two words that were no longer only mine. "I'm gay."