Anxiety Attack

The Prologue

From day one, she knew she was different. From her first memory, she knew something was off about her. But, then, she thought it was okay,

But soon, days go by, years feel like they get shorter, vocabulary expands, people learn categories, society becomes more involved, first impressions never change, and self-thoughts get worse.

Never had she thought it would be this way. Never did she think that her difference would be the cause of her sticking out, worse than a sore thumb. It didn't matter how tall she was. It didn't matter what her voice sounded like. It didn't matter who she was on the inside. It didn't matter who she was on the outside. It didn't matter what her hair color was or how much acne she had on her face. It didn't matter what the number said when she stepped on the scale. It didn't matter who her family was or what her background was. She was different more than all of that. She was different in a different way.

So, sweet looks became judgmental ones. Soft voices became harsh ones. Nice words became the worst she had ever heard. But it didn't stop there. The words turned into fists coming at her body. It turned into palms pushing her into walls. It became feet tripping her to the floor.

Soon, the words that cut deep inside her made the blades that she pressed against her skin feel good. The fake smiles that were so hard to put on her face every day became more believable. Soon, the tears that fell down her face in the bathroom stalls knew to never show up. Soon, her difference was her label. Soon, she wasn't known as her. She wasn't known as the one who played on the basketball team. She wasn't known as the one who spent her days after school walking home to her parents fighting. She wasn't the one that woke up early each day to study to make sure she passed. She was the different one. She wasn't Rylee Mary Cannel anymore. She was the Anxiety Attack.

From day one, she knew she was different. From her first memory, she knew something was off about her. But, now, she knew it wasn't okay.

Chapter 1: The Introduction

Anxiety:
anxiety
/aNG'z??d?/
Noun
A feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome.

Or, as some people like to call it think of it -

Anxiety:
anxiety
/aNG'z??d?/
Noun
A person that attends Rampart High School in Colorado Springs that goes by the name Rylee Mary Cannel.

If you somehow seem to be wondering, yes, I am Rylee Mary Cannel. If you're reading this, one of 4 choices have become true. Let's observe them, shall we?

Choice A) I have somehow died and people thought it was okay to go through my things, even though I specifically told EVERYONE in my household not to go through my things under ANY circumstance, and found my life book.

Choice B) I have become super duper famous and people want to say that they used to be my best friend but I have written proof that - there is no way in hell - that they were such thing.

Choice C) I left my life book under my bed when I moved out, for whatever reason, and when my parents sold the house, they didn't find it, a publisher bought the house, found it, and printed it.

OR Choice D) I somehow got over my extreme anxiety and decided that it was time for people to see how people with disorders were treated.

Honestly, choice B has a better chance of becoming true before choice D. That, my acquaintances, is why it is choice D. Because, the odds of choice D being correct are, actually, quite slim. Because, the odds usually point to answer C. Then, if that is obviously incorrect, you should go with the longest answer shown. Also, the probability of a teacher placing choice D as the correct answer is because they,

Like          to screw with your head and throw you off, questioning your entire          life

Are          secretly putting a pattern in the scantron and want you to think          your entire test is wrong, again, making you question your entire          life

The          test was growing with too many A's, B's, and C's, so they had          to put one in

They          thought D would just be a good answer choice.          

Once again, you see, that D is usually never the answer. Anyways, you're also probably wondering why the heck the title is "The Introduction" when I haven't even introduced myself, except for the fact that I am Rylee Mary Cannel, I attend Rampart High School in Colorado Springs, and that I have an extreme anxiety disorder. Well, how rude of me. I am sorry. Please don't leave.

I'll make the title make sense now.

So, sense you know the basics, I can easily describe myself. Well, I am a 6'4 Junior in high school. My hair color is Burgundy and my eyes are this weird three color thing. I heard the name of it once but I can't find it again, thanks Instagram. Anyways, gosh, I stink at this. Um, I'm adopted. My parent's names are Sarah Rene Cannel and Joshua Lowe Cannel. Basically, I have a lot of siblings that I won't go into depth with because, it's my introduction, not theirs. If they want their own, they can write their own book.

Some fun facts about me are, my favorite animal is a dolphin. I spent all of my 7th and 8th grade years studying to prove that they were the worlds smartest animals, not the stupid freaking common chimpanzee. My favorite color is purple. I wear glasses. My favorite Disney movie is The Little Mermaid. My favorite regular movie is The Perks of Being a Wallflower. Yeah, yeah, I know, that's super clichfor a girl with an anxiety disorder. But, I mean, have you seen that movie? If not, I give you full permission to bookmark this chapter right now, like, right now, go out with your parent's credit card, go find your nearest redbox, and rent the movie. Then, come home, watch it seven times, go out, return the movie, buy the book, read it eleven times, then come back to this one.

Now, if you have completed that task, or, have already done so, please, continue. Now, let me explain to you why I have created this life journal. Well...I have anxiety. Meaning, I don't have very many friends. So, I try to keep myself busy, when I am not reading, studying, watching Netflix, attending church, going to school, going to the doctor, going to counseling, or showering, to write in here. Because I have this much done, you know that I obviously have a lot of free time. Well, now you're probably wondering why I keep telling you this stuff. Again, what's the point of putting everything I know into a life journal.

Well, you see, have you ever heard of the term bullying? Here, don't waste your time to google it. I got you.

bully1
/'bo?ol?/
Verb
Use superior strength or influence to intimidate (someone), typically to force him or her to do what one wants.

That, is why I have this. Because, that is all I've ever known to be the interaction I receive from the people around me. Their superior strength influences me, forcing me to do what they want. So, after that, I come home, and write my feelings or what happens. I won't change the subject of chapter 1 on you again. You've already had quite a bit of confusion. So, I'll leave that for the rest of the book.

Well, any more questions? Anything else I need to introduce. If I think of something later in my life book, I'll probably apologize and say it in that chapter. Just so I don't have to come back, cross out some things, draw lines, and fill things in over here in this chapter. But, you may realize I apologize a lot. The reason for this is, well, because I swear IOr,am Canadian and over apologize for everything.

But, I guess that's chapter one. Go me. If you're still here. Well, I hope you like me. If not...I'm sorry. I hope you change your mind, and to do that, keep reading.

Chapter 2: What happened?

Well, you're still here. Hello. So, you're probably also wondering why the heck I'm here. So, that's what chapter 2 is about. What happened. You may think that it's probably something silly like, I went through something in a younger year and it stuck with me, but I'm a perfect child. Or, you're thinking that this book has to be different, like all the rest, and so, it's kinda another Cinderella story. The girl has a sucky life, she meets this guy, has the best night of her life, runs off, he finds her, they live happy ever after. But, don't you think there are way too many spin offs of that movie?
Well, life sure does. Or, it think they don't need my life to be another one. Basically, when I was little, I guess you could say that I had that thing that stuck with me. But, I couldn't tell you what it was. All I know is that, ever sense I was little, I've had this thing called Anxiety. It sounds simple, I thought it was. But, I guess everyone else didn't. I was different. I thought that different was a good thing. That you want to be special. But I can remember it all.

~~~
"You're different" Exclaimed a the six year old girl, standing above me as I looked up at her, my eyes wide and innocent.

"But, I thought I was supposed to be." The simple me thought. That was all I knew. You're supposed to be special. To be special, you need to be different.

"Well, duh! But, you're a different kind of different. You're a scary different." She spoke to me, running off to the teacher to ask for her desk to be moved.

I looked around, seeing no one. I didn't have anyone to hug when we left to go home. I didn't have anyone to smile at when I walked in each morning. They really didn't like me.
~~~
You're probably thinking, there I go with that again, that no six year old could say that to someone. No six year old could be so afraid of someone, where the entire class left her alone. Well, I thought that too.