Barnyard Capers - A DC Fable - Episode 1

"Barnyard Capers"
with
Barnyard Bully AmberHead & Goose-Stepping Grouchy Gander
In
"Fascists by Any Other Name"
Episode I
by
Axel Christensen



"Amber Head the Barnyard Bully & Goose-Stepping Grouchy Gander" is a fable for adults with a warped sense of humor, but with a child's imagination. Think comic strip or cartoon.

It's the story of two practicing control freaks (fascists by any other name), being totally out of control, and their obsession with being-in-charge of everything and everyone, all the time, inside and outside of the barnyard. Being 'the boss' consumes their very beings. Both Amber Head and Grouchy Gander spend an obscene amount of time stirring the proverbial pot, even when the pot doesn't need to be stirred. They thrive on chaos and turmoil causing continuous confusion amongst those inside and outside the barnyard. Alarmingly enough these two practicing control freaks relish in their task(s). Both represent what is despised most about barnyard programs; those in charge are the most incompetent of barnyard fowl. Shamefully and despicably (infra dignitatem) their dual reign of incompetence rules the day. Or is it ruins the day?

Amber Head's bullying management style leaves much to be desired. His condescending attitude toward underlings, forgotten others, and the gang of gutless GOPers who support him, is counter- productive, often insulting, nurturing an intense resentment amongst all others, including those from other barnyards. No underling or forgotten other appreciate being treated as if they are nae about barnyard policies to be scolded at the whim of a practicing control freak. This leaves many to believe Amber Head is uncaring, incompetent, insecure or just plain nuts, as in insane. Or all-of-the above.

When Amber Head isn't signing executive orders (as directed by Grouchy Gander) he's bragging to the media, or anyone who will listen to his barnyard bullshit, about what he's going to do next to improve the barnyard and all in it. Privately, Grouchy Gander refers to this 'bait & switch' policy as the official distraction to keep underlings and forgotten others happy. Read as 'off his ass.' Just another of those flawed character traits of practicing control freaks (fascists by any other name).

When Grouchy Gander isn't whispering executive orders in Amber Head's ear, he can be found everywhere and anywhere, even in places where, he shouldn't be (the NSA, for example), constantly sniffing out everything and anything, looking for something else he can get involved in and be-in-charge- of-in-order-to-get-control-of, surreptitiously, of course. Grouchy Gander's idea of efficiency is to create an atmosphere of chaos and turmoil, leaving the naive underlings, forgotten others, and gutless GOPers wondering what the hell is going on. Grouchy Gander gets giddy being one goose-step ahead of every- one else, but offers little in the way of practical application other than to continue to follow the directions he's underlined in his little black fascist handbook (1930's version). Grouchy Gander thrives on conflict as a means of manipulating others to his perverted way of thinking. Another one of those flawed character traits of practicing control freaks (fascists by any other name).

Few want to work with Grouchy Gander, or for him, because they don't trust him. Barnyard gossip is that Grouchy Gander has a hidden agenda for everything he does, or even those things he doesn't do. He likes to think of himself as a motivational speaker, constantly seeking an audience for his oratory. Truth be known, Grouchy Gander is a veteran manipulator of truth. When he isn't looking over his shoulder for eavesdroppers, foreign spies and such, he practices crossing imaginary t's and dotting i's in the little black book he clutches covetously like a greedy purse snatcher. This is another one of those flawed character traits of practicing control freaks.

In Grouchy Gander's little black book, "Practicing Control Freak Guidebook' (once known as the fascist handbook) his favorite chapter is 'Deconstruction'. "Lie, cheat, chaos, turmoil, fear, scapegoating, bullying, the perfect set up create a made-to-order crisis in-order-to install dictatorial authority over the barnyard. Grouchy Gander is often seen mumbling to himself, praying for that catastrophic event to bring authoritarian rule to the barnyard. It's the only way to fly, so to speak. Geese do fly on occasion, don't they? Only when they're not goose-stepping around excrement they leave where pedestrians walk. Watch your step!

One day, in the dual reign of Amber Head & Grouchy Gander's incompetence, Ornery Ol' Rooster wandered into the barnyard. Amber Head immediately seized upon this as an opportunity to cut a deal with this newcomer to the barnyard. Amber Head's assertive bullying style, as only he can assert, proved to be a total failure with Ornery Ol' Rooster. He didn't take kindly to Amber Head trying to control his every move. Ornery Ol' Rooster bluntly refused to participate in Amber Head's fraudulent barnyard program, making it clear he wasn't one of Amber Head's underlings, nor was he one of those gutless GOPers that continue to approve of Amber Head's every whim. Ornery Ol' Rooster could be exactly what the barnyard needs to survive.

Grouchy Gander, looking more like a wild warthog than a frazzled goose, the Bane of the Barnyard, saw a chance to recruit the newcomer to participate in his 'deconstruction' program to alter life in the barnyard permanently. What Grouchy Gander didn't realize was that Ornery Ol' Rooster didn't like Grouchy Gander's 'deconstruction' program any better than Amber Head's fraudulent program. He had his own program, calling for a 'Revolution' in the barnyard. Ornery Ol' Rooster was hoping to recruit barnyard underlings and forgotten others to join in his 'Revolution.' Amber Head and Grouchy Gander were dumbfounded. What they couldn't grasped was the fact Ornery Ol' Rooster didn't like practicing control freaks (fascists by any other name), regardless of their fraudulent barnyard program.

It didn't take Ornery Ol' Rooster long to decide he was in the wrong barnyard. He left Amber Head and Grouchy Gander scrambling around the barnyard hoping they could find more underlings, forgotten others and gutless GOPers to control before they all got fed up with these two practicing control freaks (fascists by any other name) and made an exit from this barnyard for another barnyard. Amber Head & Grouchy Gander realized they had had more success with their fraudulent programs when the gang of gutless GOPers, the underlings, and the uninformed/misinformed/under educated forgotten others remained misinformed, uninformed and under educated. What a mess, huh?

What will the two practicing control freaks (fascists by any other name), do in an empty barnyard if the underlings, forgotten others, and gutless GOPers ever figure out what they've been up to? Will these two practicing control freaks (fascists by any other name) ever discover the difference between being in control and being out of control? Will the gang of gutless GOPers finally stand up to the barnyard control freaks before it's too late? Will the forgotten others and underlings discover they've been had, as in duped, when they chose Amber Head as their leader? Will Ornery Ol' Rooster's 'Revolution' find a way to save the barnyard from Amber Head & Grouchy Gander's fraudulent programs? Will Ornery Ol' Rooster manage to bring some stability to the barnyard? Will the former head (before AmberHead) of the barnyard make a surprise appearance? Stay tuned. Episode II of Barnyard Capers... coming soon.

Traditionally fables have a moral. So, here's one for AmberHead & Goose-Stepping Grouchy Gander; Barnyard control freaks (fascists by any other name) should be careful whom they seek to control. There are always other barnyards for dissatisfied underlings and disillusioned forgotten others, as well as disenfranchised GOPers. When true intent is discovered (and it always is), practicing control freaks (fascists by any other name) are unwelcomed in all barnyards everywhere in the Land of the Free.


*NOTE: Amber Head roosters are a rare breed of barnyard poultry. Thought to be extinct until a couple of years ago, when Amber Head the barnyard bully reared his colorful head, along with his nasty disposition, determined to be "jack of all trades, master of none." No, no, sorry. Wrong fable. Amber Head the barnyard bully is determined to be Master of the Universe, or some such authoritarian fowl excrement.