Her

That fateful day started like any other. My phone vibrates my morning alarm starts ringing, forcing me to slowly grope around my pillow trying to find it. I finally find it and I turn it off. I close my eyes as my phones harsh light blinds me. I eventually open them and I mindlessly swipe through the countless notifications from the various apps I have. But one stood out. It was a text from a girl asking me to hangout. I groan as I slowly sit up, stretching my arms and arching my back. I sit there trying to fight the urge to say yes. I liked her a lot but I didn't really know if I could let someone else into my life. Not after her. I slowly stand up and ignore the text. I slowly make my way to my bathroom and I stare in wonder at my mirror. My eyes hadn't lost their childish curiosity about them and the fire behind those earthly brown eyes seemed to burn brighter and brighter every day. My hair was sticking up haphazardly and I chuckled as I ran my fingers through it, trying in vain to tame it. I brush my teeth and I make my way back to my bedroom. I throw on a random shirt and a pair of dark indigo jeans. I grab my keys and my phone as I head out. I look around the city, the subway train suspended above the city snaked its way effortlessly through the skyline. Other people walked from their apartments, a few clutching coffee cups as if it was nectar from the gods. I flashed a soft smile at a few as they pass by, but they don't return it. They are too absorbed with their phones or just ignore me entirely. My shoulders sink as I look at the ground and I walk towards my station. I look up and I start climbing the stairs towards it, snaking my way through the crowd. I recognize a few faces of strangers but no one seems to see me. I pull out my train card and I scan it at the small automated gate. I shuffle through it but as I look up my world freezes. I see her. Her soft dark amber hair bounces with every step. Her grey eyes lock with mine, but they show no sign of recognizing me. They only show mystery of the girl behind them. I watch as she effortlessly weaves in between people making her way down the stairs. I can do nothing but stand paralyzed. I feel my heart beating in my throat as I bolt to the men's room. I lock the room and I slowly sink to my knees as I lean against the door. My lungs burned as I start whimpering. My vision goes dark as I start shaking uncontrollably, I feel cold. I feel the tears carve their paths down my cheeks, as memory after memory floods my mind. Each one more vivid then the last, I feel her fingers intertwined with my own. I feel her soft lips against mine; I feel her touch against my chest. Then they grow darker and darker, I feel the rage rise in my throat as I find her in the arms of another. I see dark crimson blood puddle in my palms as I throw a vase against the walls. I feel the emptiness in my heart as I see her slowly walk out of my life. I shake my head trying to push the memories from my head as I slowly open my eyes. A mirror reflects my sad figure. There is no fire in my eyes, only failing embers. The childish nature is replaced with a dark piercing glare. My hair is disheveled from me pulling and holding it. My breath is shallow and rocky as I fumble to stand up; I'm forced to use the wall to help me. I lean over the sink staring at its porcelain basin. I slowly deepen my breathing and I turn the faucet on. Its pipes rattling as some cool water spurts from it. I splash my face to try to hide my breakdown, but in my eyes, I can see I can never hide from it. It had been years since she ran from my apartment, that night burned into my brain ever since. I slowly pull out my phone and shoot my manager a text, telling him something had come up I couldn't avoid and I wasn't going to be able to make it to work today. I slowly unlatch the lock and I slowly walk down the stairs. I stare emptily at the ground. I shamble along, no clear purpose in sight. I walk until I stop in front of my apartment and I pull my phone out of my pocket and I look at it. A simple text stared back at me, a text from one of my friends. He wants to go out, but I couldn't. I couldn't let anyone see me like this, like a complete a shamble. I slowly unlock my door and I push it open. I set my keys down and I look at my refrigerator. I open the door and I stare at a tall bottle with a blood red liquid inside. My throat was dry and scratchy as I gulped and slowly reached out and wrapped my fingers around the glass bottle. I had bought it for her that night, as a surprise. I stared at before setting it on the counter and grabbing a wine opener. A loud pop reverberated in the room as I pulled the cork out. The room filled with the aromatic smell of grapes as I slowly lifted it to my lips. Its bold flavor washed over my mouth and I swallowed hard as I set it down. I breathed deeply as I leaned against the wall; I slowly slid down it until my knees were in my chest. I felt cold, like I would never true warmth no matter what. A soft knock tore me away from the chill. I stared at the door and muttered for them to go away. But a soft voice begged me to answer the door. My heart skipped a beat when I heard it, and I knew I she wouldn't leave. I slowly opened my door and I saw her. Her soft gaze shook me to the core, her perfume made my heart flutter as I looked at her dazzling smile. She wanted to come in for a drink and talk, and my world stopped. My head begged my heart to let her in, to let love blossom again. But my heart wouldn't. It knew that that kind of pain could never go away. The trust would never return and it could never let her in again. I stared into her eyes and as my own flooded with tears I shook my head no as I slowly closed the door. I heard her banging on the door, begging me to talk to her. But I could barely hold myself up as I softly sobbed and I flung myself onto a chair. My throat was scratchy as I sobbed and hid my face in my hands. I could feel the warm tears again run down my face. After a few minutes, she left. And left me staring at the floor, tear drops scattered around it. I argued with myself for hours. Why couldn't I let her back in. why? My heart answered, because for as much love it has for her, it couldn't let me it poison myself. It couldn't watch me willingly go down that dark path. It hurt so much. I felt as if my very soul was clawing and digging its nails deep into my heart. I slowly lifted myself up and I shambled to my bathroom. I stared into my reflection, my eyes were red but they had a look of content to them. Like the battled that raged inside me was finally over. I slowly forced out a soft smile as I stared at my reflection. I smiled a small smile of inner peace. I knew I would never forget her, but my heart finally told my head the truth. I could love her with my whole being, but I could never let her back in, let her destroy me again. I closed my eyes and sighed. I grabbed my keys and my phone and I sent a text to someone. Telling them yes.