Very old journal writing

after two months of working around the clock and partying in North Carolina I went back to Atlanta. after settling into my sister's apartment. we all decided to go out one night. Bottle of Jack and a case of MGD for prime time. This is the time I sit and blast music while my sister makes 10 outfit changes before we hit the bar.

we ended up hitting a bar called "Swingers" two-floor swing dance club. Had a slide from the main floor of the bar to the basement. where I saw two girls sitting at the bar. I made my way up to them and start a conversation. After some dancing and few dozen shots. I blacked out to come to in a taxi with the two girls from the bar. The ladies were in town on business and looking for a good time. off to their Hotel we went. It was a 3 Libras night, that's all that needs to be said.

Today I went to the pool to hang and listen to some tunes. with my luck, two girls from the same apartment complex came for a dip. After I asked them for a smoke just to strike a conversation. I walked away with an extra smoke and number. Later that evening I gave them a call. I was under 21 at the time but had a fake id that said I was 23. The girls were 20 and wanted to have drinks. It was meant to be.

After drinking our faces off we went for an adventure and broke into an empty apartment through a window. throughout the night I ended up sleeping with both of them and woke up alone in an empty apartment that had all the drawers and doors open, pizza boxes and empty bottles everywhere. What the fuck!
Atlanta, Ga 2001

Hey, what's up!
My name is Leroy. I live in Anaheim, Ca where I party. I am 19 and I like to party! oops did I say that again? (Note: these journal writings from when I was Heavy into booze and partying. I ended up losing a lot of them to my self-destructive behavior as an addict. I have over ten yrs of journaling and poems. I look back and read these to see a very lost young adult that was a master on the outside of pretending to have his shit together.)

A great person always has something to say. The foolish person always has to say something. The minds of people today are damaged with sex,drugs,sex,drugs,sex, and money is power. How do I know? Because I am that mind. Why would I play like I'm not? when I am and I want the Rockstar life.

I've split down the center with what is good and bad. Who says what is good or bad? the law? God? What if one person good is the others bad? does that still make it bad? My mind is a mess. It's a darkly twisted playground of drugs on the search for the next lay. I'll explain what I mean. I prescribe you with what I have. take five hits of acid with a tall glass of water and call me in the morning. when you are down, but not all the way down from the drugs. Write down your thoughts and way you think after. your mind changes. It's like opening a door of fear, self-loathing, lust and a bunch of other fucked up shit. I warn you don't do it but if you must enjoy the ride.

I don't want to preach because the bottom line is I don't give a shit what you do. Really you should not give a fuck what people think. Because if you do you would sell yourself short. If someone doesn't the way you dress or act or any way you are. Then fuck them! literally, fuck them. look them straight in the face and tell them to fuck them self or lets fuck! If that doesn't work then spit in their face and go piss on their car.

Personally, why care what people think.who the fuck are they? How are they better? they are not! Always remember. Treat others like you wanna be treated.

Respect
01/24/2003
In times of dishonor
in times of disrespect
lay a lick on the little bitch
try to find who you are without fucking your mind
with trends or bends that you see in our society.

Feel what you are showing your heart in what there is to see
don't let your mind burn out turn that flames into a firefight.
night the minds of the night.
hold on to the bat wings and fly high
don't let anybody try to stop you from the fight.
hold your head up high in front of the tides
and never lower your eyes to the enemy.

I went on a date with this girl and we ended up dating for a while then it ended. last night was the first time I saw her for a while. Ok, listen. There isn't a lot of girls I like more than just bodily fluids exchange. Meaning sex if you didn't understand. This girl there was something about her. She thinks the same as I do and we just clicked. She is a hot piece of ass, but really she has a hot ass. Short Italian long black thick hair and nice athletic build with a great smile and personality. Yes. I did say personality. That's a big change from all the other girls I get with.
The other girls are all bit slow (bimbo like) ones that spread their eyes in a blink of an eye. Don't get me wrong. I will always have a place in my heart for those type of girls. The groupie/pornstar type. Common guys who don't like that type. If you don't then you might be gay.

So we dated for a few months and I really started to like this one. which was a big change for me? Then one night out of the blue. I called to Invite her over for some fun with her bum. I mean to talk world politics, drink tea and eat cookies. Yea right! When I called to set up the date. she replied with "We should stop this" I was taken back by this so my only reply was "what?"
I was stoned at the time so I wasn't thinking right plus I was so blindsided I didn't know what to think. My only response was "What?"
She then said. "It's not you it's me."
automatically I was "What the fuck?"
She then threw the finishing pitch. " I don't want to talk about it."
Hangs up to leave me in the dark. That's a big load to dump on a guy who is ripped out of his mind. The only thing that came to mind was, bitch!
Left with no reason and it hurt me. To deal with the pain I drank another beer smoked another joint. I sat back to go over in my mind what the hell possibly went wrong. I sat back and my pager started buzzing. (Why I believe in a higher power.) It was this girl I haven't seen in a while. Yup, it was a booty call.
Let me get this straight. If that girl didn't end things like she did over the phone. I would have called this booty call. At that point, I would be dumb not to call her back. So I did and she came over we baked a pie, smoked a joint and I touched her bum and we discussed American and Canadian relations. After the night was over and she was about to leave. She asked if I felt better? Another What the fuck Moment. How did she know? I didn't say anything but sure. I closed the door. I can't lie to myself but the whole time I was with this one I couldn't get the other one off my mind. It was a first. I guess I really liked her. I was happy, but I wasn't. Life goes on and I still don't know what happened.

Maybe I was too much a flirt or a player. Just maybe she just doesn't like me. All I can do is sit back and take it like a man. There is an old saying.
If you love something set it free. if it comes back then it's meant to be. So we will see what happens but until them, I'm on the road again.

Little did I know she did come back. months later I ran into her at the bar. we laughed and had drinks. at the end of the night, she said she would go home with me if I would make sure she got home for work in the morning. So I put her in a cab and sent her off to my place while I jumped in my RX-7 to make sure I got my car home. Two blocks from my place. The red and blues came on. I was pulled over and blew .20 and charged with a D.U.I. The only word that came to mind at the time was. Bitch!

~ The funny part is when I read this. It was one of the first clear signs my drinking and partying was out of hand and I was in denial. I put her in a cab then drove drunk that ended in a DUI. It doesn't even make sense what logic I had. But that's just it! we don't have logic. I ended up being charged losing the ability to drive and spent 12 days in jail. with conditions of 6 months of AA and substance abuse education classes 2 times a week. I still argued every person that just because I only drank on weekends didn't classify me as an alcoholic. I was wrong. my drinking leads to heavier drugs consumption and more brushes with fate.

Silent Night

Silent nights will come when the aftermath dies down/ Trilogy of human life form will be shown as machines run your home.
You'll victims of the new world soldiers, and become nothing but a number. the life we live will only become a tail in time.
Tension will rise as humankind will fight each other for a piece of bread.
Darkness will fall as the red dragon rises after 1000 years.
Hell stands tall with eyes of fire and the breath of death.

Leiroy Rant
2003 Huntington Beach

02/17/2003
It's 2 to 2 and I'm thinking what's there to do.
soon it will be dusk and ready for a booze cruise.

I wanna get wasted,
all I wanted is to be faded. fuck this let's get hammered
and slammed her back.

Back to the bar we go.Thinking of that whiskey drink,
we all know so well. until we hit the floor. Take her back.
I want to taste her. it's her nature. She looks for fine.
I just wanna oh baby I wanna.

Oh shit, I'm wasted. I need to go home I am wasted.
Soon ill be happier. pull the hammer back. slam that drink back.

HB Leiroy

I sit and take a shit on this golden rule.
I'll be thinking of you.
you thief. you are a bloodthirsty pig.
trying to play me like a fool.
I know what you are trying to do.

I hear your tales for sexual desires.
IM lifted by the light
you are blinded by darkness

Rase the head and cry for forgiveness.
The beauty of a rose can cut a hole in the heart you hold.
The innocence of the unknown will cut the wrist of those who follow.

Broken down with a bottle of gin.
my head is full of sin.
walking down this road going nowhere I know.
The starlit night keeps me awake for an hour or so.

I have a broken car and this old guitar that helps me sing it right.
I have no girl that wants me to hold.
when the nights are gray.
I begin to walk through the devil's den.
All I do is pray that my life will get better in the end.
Hell is in my way.

Staring at the world as a man but through my childish eyes.
All I hear is lies.
Lies and fakeness are alive in all of our lives.
The walls we put up to hide from the falls inside.

2003

Lifes reality is all illustrated.
Drunkness with your highness.
showing the good and evil in the world.

You believe something is cool, but it's not.
you wanna be bad cause people say its right.
Chances are not right and rigged to lose.
heaven is hell,
and hell is your heaven.

you believe drinking is cool and the right thing to do.
in reality, what does it do? It steals your reality
it steals love. Makes you demon of sin.
the cloud follows you. infecting your brain.
you cheat, lie and steal cause the liquid runs through your veins.

You give a company your money and steal from your children being happy.
This is what spirits bring.
we are all fucked up against believing me.
One way or another we have seen what the drunk in us has brought.
try and act like everything is cool and we are perfectly perfect tools.

This is what the spirits bring.

As the lost minds flow out of control.
the world of deception causes your soul to be lost
the fears overcome them and taking control of my life.
filling free after I spill it inside me.
I go home and it all gets set free.
Fears,tears, and insecurities attack those who I hold close to me.

This is what the spirits bring.

2003 HB Hung over on the beach

The arrow flew as it knocked out the booze.
freedoms bells and the plea.
Detention is my direction.
lost in reality
Miss hopes
I see who is right.
I try being free for you and your class of fellowship.
Alone my soul grows dark
the night begins to glow brightly.

feelings of lost and stolen I can't understand where I tripped and fallen.
Blinded by lies and lives I try and run to only get fined and lined up to get crucified. The roof is lined with money.
power is money is power.
what would you do?
Warrant issued cause they say I'm a drunk. or is it cause they just think I'm a punk.
Sentencing is tomorrow so I'm going get high.

HB 2003


God's mind

God's mind is flying high.
trying to stop my time.
A cockroach can't die.
why should I?

If I lose an eye?
Would you help me find the path that will get me where I need to be?
If I lay my mind to rest
if I put my mind to the test
scared, scared and helpless.

My highness, intense in the light
in my mind. morals and friends join hands.
bend the rules for the unforgiven.
hold tight for the ride.
flying higher then ties that bind them.
faster then life is self
Say my Goodbyes

Unhappy cause everyone is going to die.
I'm sad cause no one really knows why.
what happens when we drill the oil dry?
will we ever learn to fly?

The faceless man in dreamland.

Hb 2003

Yesterday's Beat
F,G,Em
The worlds today
There people who struggle and fight their way every day.
Like worms lost after a rainy day.
today people kneel to pray.
to show them the light of way.
people lose their minds in point of times.
They try and try and in the end they die.
giving up on their dreams. Feeling its ok to just drift away.
Like a picture in a frame.
Today I'm going to fight my way until I lay my head down to the sound
of never having to feel this way.

Why must we act this way? why we have to be in pain.
it's really fucking lame.

People search for pearls.
I think I have found mine.
won't you be mine?

Children sit down without a sound.
sitting back and watch the world today.
quickly moving.
I lay back and pray
for the day we stop stealing the sun shine away
I gently play my guitar to the unlikely supporters
the dope heads minds.

the sweetest girl a guy could know.
let me know if I ever do something dumb that will hurt the friendship
That we hold.

OC 2003

Stop Requested.

All so many people hurt out of control these hoes.
losing reality as they walk down this road.
They fall deeper into that hole.
slowly losing more control.
placing blame on the passing Johns driving by.

a stop requested
it's a road we think we know.
It's a life filled with the lost souls that have fallen into a hole.
its a stop requested.

Hard up
rock it up
take another hit
rock heads you need another hit.

Deep in mind setting the timer clock watching till done.
she lost a piece of her soul.
for a hit of different pleasure.

She watches everyone else with Highlanders and binders
education that doesn't matter.
who's really in school getting schooled?
the real life of the golden rule.
feeding a baby by the perversity of our society.
I see her struggle deep in her eyes.
she wants to cry
why she needs to stay high
So, I get her high for free till the next low life pushes me
aside cause they have the paper green.

from Journals of Leiroy Rant
OC 2003

The beast within

The beast within.
I feel funny today.
I don't feel the shame.
I feel the burning within the name.
I'm not afraid
The bleeding is now healed

the beast is here
the beast is near
it wants to be released.

It's tearing my soul and slowly take control.
now that I hear the sound of more.
the beast draws near.
the life we lead is powerful
as we want it to be.

our past holds us back. cause we drown in liquid and ice.
not look to the past but to the now.
the past is nothing but ash.
keep your eyes on the path they say.
don't be afraid of what's seen!
for we are more powerful than what it seems.

If I shall die before I wake,
I wanna make love to you.

just wanna hold you
i just want to be loved by you
is tired of girls who just wanna get to know me.

Beautiful as the summer rain
there was once this cat
12:15
lost and faded
pop sux

OC~2003

12 Days not 21

Lost and confused,
Standing in line with no helping hand.
in single file
counting ower time

marching to eat spread n old bread.
back to the cells after we are fed.
in the bunks, each of us lay.
praying for the day to see our old ladies and babies.

Demons we fight and angels we seek.
like dogs we are caged. they say defeat.
barely any food or heat.
stories to tell and no fears of tears
to all that's been in here.

lower your head and remember have no fear.
the officers that hide behind the gun are not hung.
The men who have stood in single file line.
Are the first in line at the end of time.

Only God will Judge you!

Daniel and the boys
cell block F-28
OCJ
Grant2134840

Journals of Leiroy Rant
OC 2003

What love has joined together mary wells?

the sound of bells ring.
Sing Mary Wells the feeling of your music flows through me.
making it unstoppable. The unworthy can't stop you.
sing mary wells sing your music saves me.

12000 hours without you.
left here high listening to you.
I don't wanna forget you
sing it Mary Wells. I was lost when I found you.
I wanna change.
your music saves me.
what love has joined together Mary Wells?

OC 2003

Live today for morrow you might say Good-bye.
70000 children hungry
200 billion on bombs
which way they say?

Prophesied eyes look around.
eyes are trapped in an asylum with no light.
Some will fall in line behind soldiers that hold M-16s as their mind.

Burning skies will light your world.
soon we might say goodbye
Heaven will be presented as hell.
Hell will burn heavens bell.

Midnight red eyes I toss and turn
I burn my brain.
unfolding images of TV's forest fires.
foggy streets are what I see.
bloodshot eyes and the sea of tears are what is bleeding.

The demons breath from the same bottle I feed, JD.

Fingers point at my soul and take over.
will god save my soul?
Not knowing my actions I proceed
drinking and faded
the demons in me run free
through my veins is how they dream.

OC 2003

Drink from the bottle I drink and you will feel the way I do.
Take this pill that I take.
you will see what I see.
trust me to trust in you.

Free our minds and swim naked in the ocean.
my sweet child of mine smile you are safe from all evil spirits.
Open your eyes lets make our body one.
let me feel your skin that surrounds that heart.
I'll hold you until the end.
I'll be your lover
I'll be your protector till the end.
until the faceless man takes my life in the end.

OC-2002-2003

I don't wanna die before I get high.

I try to fly but my wings are broken.
frail, and pale, I feel like hell.
Its like I'm trapped in hell.
only God knows the wounds that healed.
Filled with hatred and lust for power.
Who do you trust?

Government Control they have a hold on you.
I don't wanna die before I get high
Legal whiskey and rye
drinking the poison that makes us die.
ower life is defined before we even open our eyes.
Controlled by the media and hot press.

I'm depressed.

Illuminati, secret society. they control your reality.
stealing money to build immortality.
President greed controls the country.
they only went the wealthy.

I am looked as filthy
street rats even stealing trying to make a living
lock us up for not doing what they say.
Hypocrites I say.

2003 HB

It is prohibited to feed birds or other wildlife.
what the sign says.
why?

Crystal blue
ocean view
minds a wondering through
the waters soul nothing that I know
the power it beholds
stories untold, mysteries unfold,
darkness lays under the surface
Crystal blue

Spoken and woken from the eyes of a ghost
eyes are red
a blanket of wears and tears
shaken is the mind
broken is the soul
heart beats faster
are you scared?
childhood nightmares light the air
the boogie-man was inhaled there.

OC - 2003

We hold filthy greed so Dear,
holding tight what we feel is right,
fooled by the night I have already lost the fight.

In times we fear the one thing that we want to achieve. Goals are made to be reached. Peers can keep us from reaching them. the goals can become our enemies. One has to believe first in order to reach your dreams. If you only follow what peers and other say. Will you achieve your dreams?

People generally lift you up to knock you down. It's unspoken but is seen every day. Sometimes passion and reaching goals can be the hardest thing to achieve. one may need to work harder and fight harder than the next cause it just shows how much more of a passion you hold. I have found that things that come easy are things I settle for. But my mistake has made things unreachable. If we Never had to work hard for things, and they were just handed to us, there would be no appreciation. It would be like hooking up with that girl at the school dance in the back of your parent's car. It's nothing more than a fling, and we all know they don't last!

I am gifted with a life that is opposite from what I want. It's up to me to make that change and get what I want. Only the strong and willing will reach it. Sometimes we drag you through the mud and muck just to reach it.

When you taste it you want it. you'll do anything to get it! Every pain I feel only makes me stronger and smarter. It allows me to push that much harder for what I want. will I reach it? I don't know.
I need to stop listening to what T.V. and media have to say. They lie to control the way of thinking and control the way I act.
Why does it seem the minds of people are getting smaller and smaller each year that passes by? why do people need to watch their children closer? Are the parents as lost? The world has more evil on it then it ever has. Let us be honest I'm in Socal and I will never achieve the wealth that some of these people have. It's all a bad dream. I have no education and all I think about is booze, drugs, and the next lay. we all know that means. Maybe I should stop looking for handouts and say life is hard. My choice to be this way. Is anyone really addicted? it's all in the mind. if you want to quit you can. it's just most are lazy or just don't want to. Is it the teachings of our parents? How are we to help our own kids and show them the right way. when there isn't anyone there to learn the right way from? we learn from the T.V. and what on the T.V.?
Drugs, sex,killing and fighting. then government wonders why people end up doing what they do. They keep feeding it on t.v. the youths take it in as being cool before you know it its criminal land! some end up in jail before they are 18 while others die.
Only the strong survive and the weak die.
It is all a lie.

HB 2003

Miss Understood
the world turns on others cost of pain.
lost child finds a knife uses it in a class fight
brought up in a world of strain.
so quick to point the blame.

Door of Madness
we walk through life passing many doors.
holding knowledge of the unknown
leading alone
we stand before the biggest door of them all
carved into the door.
"Burst of heat smell of defeat
a lesson to be learned"

The door of madness has been found. it follows you around
it haunts you
it feeds you
it needs to kill you
it becomes more and more controlling.
you find yourself inside dying
.
you begin living and chasing that rush that got you there.
only find yourself in a web of madness.
looking for a little crack
speed on through
with a coke and a cain
you try to find your way.
its a bad heroin that controls your brain
day by day. what is your name?
Jack? cause Daniels has passed away.
welcome the madness
open the gates of havoc
welcome to the door of madness
filled with sadness
what's your madness?

OC 2003
Leiroy Rant

Met a man standing on the street.
All he owned was an old pair of boots
A jacket that had a heart patch on its sleeve.
Asked for a smoke so I gave him two.

Every night he wonders for a new place to eat.
he has no money or even a place to sleep.
the rich drive by looking at him like a fool.
I wonder how many of them have had everything taken away from them.

I'm sitting in my room listening to this tune.
I don't know what to do.
I wanna drink and spend my last green on ladies.
finished my drink and up the road, I will go.
That new whiskey bar is not that far.
pour me a drink to pass this pain. maybe it will fade away
tomorrow will be a better day.wlak through that door pull up a stool who really know you?

I got home its 2 am and I'm cutting the last line. the bar sucked! The waitress was nice but I guess better luck next time.

Standing in a place
I don't even know my own face
My mind is trapped.
I don't know how to find my way back.

I saw a man in my dreams he stood tall and had no face.
he pulls out a gun and points it at my face.
I drop to my knees pleading.

Fear is all he knows.
he tells me I must die 2 night
Oh God wake me
I don't wanna die tonight.
HB 2003

~~( I had no goal with these journals when I started writing them. It was a therapeutic action for myself and to remember events when I was there. Mainly cause I was drunk or high all the time. I still don't have a plan for them. After really taking on the journey of recovery and the ups and downs you face while walking that road. I have come to realize that. from the first day, you start drinking or drugging that is also the first day of recovery, but we just don't know it until way later. In my opinion, recovery doesn't happen overnight or after any institution. Recovery is always there like your shadow, and in time it will fade away. The addiction was the first to come and it will be the last to leave. Everything in between is lessons learned. I am not proud of some of the things I wrote. or even the choices I've made. But in order to change for the better one must be honest. A step that is hard to take even on the best of days. But at least I have nothing to hide. I cast no judgment and anyone for what they might have done. Because the addiction takes control in the end and none of us are who we really are at the end of that rocky road. My father uses to tell me all the time to stop drinking for there is nothing good at the end of that road. He had his own battles with alcohol but in the end, he chooses family over a hangover, and for that I am grateful.)

Leigh Grant

~No Addiction Without Lies, No Recovery Without Truth~
http://blogs.psychcentral.com/addiction-recovery/author/drsack/
BY David Sack,M.D.

"I only use on occasion.”

“I’ll never do that again.”

“I used to be addicted, but now I can limit myself to just one drink.”

"Lies are a natural and virtually automatic way of life for addicts. As a result of denial and diseased thinking, addicts (often very convincingly) lie to their loved ones to keep them around, to the world to avoid stigmatization, and to themselves to preserve their drug habit. They lie about the big things and the small things – to feel important, to avoid rejection or judgment, to keep up appearances – until they’ve created a fantasy life that is far more tolerable than their current reality.

The dishonesty, though understandably hurtful to others, serves a purpose in the addict’s life. If they stopped lying, they’d have to quit drinking or using drugs and face a shameful pile of hurt they’ve inflicted on the people they love. That’s quite a load to bear, especially for the addict who is complacent about getting sober or who tries to face their past alone. It’s much easier to hide emotions, keep up the double life and continue using.

Just as food fuels the body, lies drive addictive thoughts and behaviors. For some, relief from the need to lie is the most attractive aspect of addiction recovery. Yet in some cases, the lies are so entrenched that they linger long after getting sober."

~( Honesty is a very debatable step for me in Recovery. The reason is cause even people who do not suffer from addiction are still not honest.
There is a world of people who suffer from the illness of addiction and those people are expected to lay their whole life on the table in order to recover. What about the undercover cops who lie to jail, someone? or the ones that sleep their way around to gain information or gain a position. What about the politicians that lie to get into office? or companies that leave out the fine print of contracts. None of these people are looked at the same level of an addict but in my eyes, they act the same if not worse. So, why is it so important for an addict to come clean but people of the so-called outstanding community can only name it as it's just politics!

Private Eyes may have to lie to their loved ones and be lowlifes and tell lies just in order to deliver out a contract. But this isn't looked down upon. it's brushed off as part of the job. But an addict is treated like they are the children of the devil. Maybe it's just the systems way of manipulation to gain more knowledge to in prison more people or make them selfs feel better for the web of lies they spin just to make that mortgage payment.
If addiction is an illness why isn't it treated like one? Why is there a building full of addicts but labeled as criminals or mentally ill?

Why don't they use tear gas and concussion grenades on those who suffer from any other illness? why is it only for the addicts? cause they are potentially dangerous, yes! But some only to their selves. If you have any knowledge of the average addict. They are usually very sensitive people with a lot of unresolved resentments. No child grows up saying they want to be an addict. So it's not the addict's fault they are that way. Its just politics I guess, right? No, I strongly believe they are exploited to push others personal agendas. To make examples of so the greater population (know nothing of the illness) pats you on the back. while those same people go home with failing families, drink a bottle of booze while taking prescription drugs. I say this cause I have seen it many times and I'm just doing what I am told.That is, to be honest.
I have drunk with men who talk down or even jailed addicts while they boast about their success they have. Meanwhile almost finishing a whole bottle of scotch, and in their medicine cabinet. they have basically a pharmacy. So, my point - are they no different? I can strongly say this cause they have the same actions as any other addict. the only difference is when they began that journey. someone like myself. I started at a very young age. so its only common sense that I develop problems at the age I am. As for some of them, they never started until the first divorce, or in college. The process of addiction won't hit them till way later depending on the degree of usage.

Did you know there are inmates in America currently serving life sentences because of 1 single joint? A drug that is basically legal now. So will they be released? NO. cause at the time it was breaking the law. In my eyes that are worse than anything I have witnessed from the so called "criminals" I have yet to meet. I am in no way saying go and be a criminal or hate those who do serve and protect. Addicts can be a danger but so is a drunk driver. All I ask is a little sympathy can go a long way for those who do suffer from that illness. they judge themselves every day, they don't need that reminder thrown in their face from the general public. And since I'm on this honesty kick! I was more of a threat to society when I was drinking then I have ever been high. I was a little punk fuck head when I was drunk. why I haven't visited the drunk for over a year. I tried to, but I have zero desire to pick up a drink. Part of that is watching loved ones change the cause of that drink. The biggest defining moment was watching myself on a video recording in a black-out drunk state. I thought to myself I want to knock myself out. after that and other life altering checkpoints in my life. I put down the bottle, and still have no drive to seek it out.

I found this entry that dated to October 28, 2004, I was living in a garden grove in a low income gated apartment complex. It's called Death it's a short entry about a true to his word gang member who I got high with on one occasion and discuss world trade agreements. enjoy)

Death
October 28,2004
Garden Grove.

I once met death. I stumbled across him one day. he came from another land but lives here now. Three words tattooed larger than the rest. He said these are what made him. One was his family name. The other was the affiliation of his peers and the third was his children. We talked as we blew out giant dragon balls of fire. As we entered each other world for a short time. We saw how we are the same but live worlds apart to what is ower one reality.

He rambled about demons and things that haunted him at night, fears of people and the past experiences catching up to him.
"It numbs the pain. it's chasing it away. I am dead inside." he said.
I sat back rethinking letting this guy in. I shared some ridiculous stories of mine that I believed to be secrets.

He laughed at me and said "I am not the same. I remember faces. The way they look and the smell after they took their last breath."
"You're a good man, I can tell." he continues to tell me.

as He passed the peace and I took a hit. "I feel sad that you live this way."

I could only think to myself about the small things I have complained about. I inhaled and exhaled a cloud of thoughts that ran through me head about the past, and present. After another few rounds and an apartment filled with a haze of smoke. We packed another bowl.

"I have someone to kill." he leaned forward after taking a hit. passed to me. inhaled secretly Holy shit! (At this point I was like what the fuck? what the hell did I do to end up sitting across from this dude!)

He continues "Its a man that is so called blind." He lies though he can see perfectly. He was caught one-night doing things to the young in his own family."

The anger flooded his speech. he put his head down then looked at me " he must die. children are the most important people in this world."

he moved back into his chair. "This is what I was meant to be."
"I am a killer. I will do it for the innocent so their souls can be free."

Silence overcame the table. I was looking at a so-called killer. I saw it in his eyes. he knew what he was and what needs to be done.
the time came when he had to go.

before he left a handshake for a sign of respect. "You are a good man put whatever bad moments behind you. You are not a bad person. If you were I would know and you would die." "We are Homies and we watch each other back even if we live two different lives." he then asked for a light. walked down the hall.

I closed the door. a million thoughts ran through my head and what was said. that was heavy shit. I couldn't help but laugh about what happened. If anyone else listened to this man's story they would judge and scream Murder! I saw another side. I saw the side that not everyone else sees. I saw the greater good of his actions and the impact it will make in that child's life. once the blind man is gone.

As the night ends, I couldn't help but think what it would be like to know your about to die or even what is running through one's head who is sent to ended someone's life. If our paths cross again after tonight I will ask him those questions. That experience took something from me but at the same time, I gained. I wonder if he was dead himself and we so happened to cross paths. Life is more real than most people believe. They don't realize that even amongst the society we have those that are born killers and how close to death we could really be.

Leiroy Rant
Garden Grove
Oct 28,2004

The Instruction Book Of Life.

Many times I look past the fact that there is something greater than us out there. Truth is. it's all around us. I can't count the times I've had some sort of experience that has to lead myself to be in a sense of "wwwww"
I'm sure the ones reading this intoxicated or not. In the state of denial or not you have had this experience.

Young and old we all have moments of believing we know everything about how everything works! some go through life believing their way of thinking is gospel. WE enjoy the feeling of power and control, we seek importance and praise. Yet then when life doesn't work in our favor we seek angrily and wanting to be alone. to only repeat sometimes the very same mistakes multiple time. Still telling ourselves we do not have a problem but its those around us. I find this very funny. Because everyone does it if you like it or not! I think since the big book claims we are made in the image of God. That it can only say that we all share a connection not just with God but as well with each other. but because of the influence of our surroundings and popularity. we will deny that truth till we are blue in the face or almost dead.The religious Philosophy of good clean moral living. Is undoubtedly an "instruction Book of Life."

(i know it sounds crazy! I go from telling a true story about meeting a killer to preaching on God! I don't get it myself? Welcome to my life. just read it!)

Like all instruction books of life. They are designed to lead u down a road of success with least amount of resistance. If you are anything like me? you like to test everything to the limits of breaking. Including God! (It maybe something I need to work on.) By living this way. I have had up to date a very roller coaster time of a ride. I wouldn't say me failed. I was just a success at doing everything wrong! We are all here to learn and we don't stop. Some the road is paved with silver and gold. while others are gravel and pigeon shit! But in the end, it all leads to the same place in the end. The start and end aren't what matters in life. It's everything between the point An of birth to the point B of death that matters.I find that "Pride" can be a very intoxication part of a person. Egos and the feelings of entitlement are deal breakers. These things give a false belief that we are for some reason better than the next person. Even If you are a person of faith or not? It's just common sense that it's an unhealthy way of thinking. Our values and love of our very own to date society are based on working together and not against. All industry supply a severe as do every man and women that live on the planet. Without the factory worker, you wouldn't have that beer or fries you eat when hungover. without business owners, we wouldn't have the workers. Engineers and construction works provide the infrastructure and the list goes on all the way up to the silver and gold road.

We all need each other as people, we are all connected in some way or another, and we all rely on each other to keep alive, employed, and moving forward. Like any Sports team. you don't reach a championship by working against your teammates. You can't have a strong healthy family if you're not working together. The whole wold runs on these principles but may have minor disagreements on beliefs. That's what makes us human.

pride will break a team and destroy a nation. if too many Beleive, they need no one but themselves. Then all fail. The spirit can not be broken for it's the last to go be for defeat. To much of anything in this world is not good. moderation is key.That's only if you choose to. That free will biz.

Abuse of substance many times have proven to be the freeway to death. But we choose to live it anyway. That is to me a very disturbing part of life. People walk around choosing to be dead in the side like its going end differently for them. That is the twistedness of that illness it makes you believe you are doing alright. Until the unexpected happens to those who expect it. It's a messed up the world( I'd up the world.)

If you must continue down those tracks of a crazy train ready to derail. Just be careful with the power that substance holds. Because today and tomorrow Life is wonderfully fun. Then the next ten could lead to hell!
People don't like being told what to do and for sure don't like it when people try to make them change. We all were born with free will. I saw lots of people who let the addiction learn them. That's when the addict struggles and no one wins.

Leiroy
Deathbridge.
2006