As I live

Many years ago, shortly after my divorce I had one of those “Come to Jesus” moments. Broken and soured over a cheating husband I opened my bible and began reading. With that there came this needy attraction for me; picking up my bible every moment I had the time and submerging myself deep within it, learning as much as I could in order to hopefully become a better person in life. I suppose I felt that I must have done something so terribly wrong that it displeased God so much He felt He had to teach me a lesson through divorce. Later I learned in my readings that God does not hold grudges, and that He forgives us for our past sins. Nevertheless; I knew I had broken a few hearts in my college days, but I could not imagine that any of the hearts I had broken would warrant the pain I was feeling from a divorce. But now when I think back, how self-riotous of me to lessen the pain of others while trying to intensify the pain of mine. Even now I shake my head and wonder just how much I really have changed over the years. As I stated earlier, after my divorce I dug my heels in on the Christian pathway and began the process of transforming my mind, body and soul. This was my time to spend time with the Father, Son and Holy Spirit and I was excited by all I learning from every word on the pages that slowly transformed my everyday life.

I wish I could say my life was all about positive changes, but I discovered that I still remained in fault and no matter how I tried to change some things about me, the old me kept a firm hold and surfaced whenever I let my guard down. But I persevered, and started building a spiritual relationship I could be proud of. I began surrounding myself with people who loved the Lord as much as I did, if not more and it felt good. Every day felt like a runners high. I would zone out, deep within the Word, and often I felt the fret as dragged myself back to reality when my breaks and lunches were over. I recall it being the best time of my entire life! It was hard, and I was still often lonely but I stayed close to my Savior. For twelve years I remained single and although I dated, I believe I was very content with being single just as well. I accomplished so much through His grace. I went from working three jobs down to one job that took care of all my financial needs; I was able to purchase a new vehicle when my old one started to fade away, and I moved from an apartment to owning my very own starter home. I won’t say that things were not difficult at times, and there were certainly lessons along the way, but I was seeing my own growth through God’s grace and I knew I was pleasing to the Lord.

Somewhere along the way, after achieving success in so many areas of my life – I looked up and realized I had drifted from the Word. I wasn’t breaking hearts or anything like that, but my thoughts seemed to be impure. I would tell “white lies” to benefit me; I would gossip with coworkers and pass judgment on others. Here I was, living a life of sin and still looking at others through a one way mirror. I longed for that Christian high again. I tried desperately to get it back by having brief moments of reading my bible, going to church and overall just trying to be a better person in life, but no matter how hard I tried I was not, nor have I ever been able to achieve that dedication again. I cannot tell you how many bibles, self-help books, audio books and gospel music I have purchased in hopes of just getting that high back like the first Christian high I experienced back in my twenties. Sometimes I get glimpses of it but it never seems to last for very long: and with its parting, I once again begin to question my devotion to my Savior and knowing fully that I am not deserving of His love and grace which I am so grateful He shares with me each and every waking moment of my days. I’ve been blessed with so many things in life but the blessing seem so much more humbling now. I’ve been blessed with a husband who loves me, my mother is still alive and able to care for herself, we have a roof over our heads and I have a job to report to each day. Nevertheless, my husband and I have battled trust issues, my mother competes with my husband for my time and attention, we have gone from a beautiful 2800 sq. ft. home to and apartment and in support of my husband’s career I gave up a 22-year career making over 70K a year to starting a new career in another state making 28k a year. So yes, I’ve been blessed and yet I too have seen much pass through my hands leaving me humbled.

I am humbled by my life now and despite how it may be reading out on paper, for the most part I am doing ok. My circumstances have not complicated my life nearly as much as the people who complicate my life. At times I wish I could go on vacation alone and just focus on me but these same people who suck the life out of me and my life, are the same people I love and in some way depend on to add to my life. Maybe that’s the problem right there, maybe I am trying to obtain and hold on to happiness from the wrong sources. I have to be honest with myself and admit that these same sources are people who too are hurting and like a drowning victim, they are simply trying to hold onto me so that they might survive as well. Even if I have strayed I suppose the good thing is I am still praying and I am still praising God and I am still here with the opportunity to get it right. I feel like I have grown over the years, I mean I am not the same person I once was. I suppose I just don’t feel like I am the person God expects me to be either.