My first for everything

         My dear mind, why do you recall the memories of the first? How is it that I feel as if it is impossible to completely be freed from that feeling? Was it the amount of domaine and serotonin released in my brain along with the innocence of youth that I'm unable to ever let it go? Because when I think of the past he can still bring a smile to my face, he can still make the best parts of me show, and my best memories are of him, the craziest things I have done, was with him. Because unfortunately but yet unbelievably I am blessed he is my first for everything, and nothing can change that. So when my mind wanders it is no longer a surprise I end up thinking of him. For the first lips to touch mine were his, for the first rush of happiness, confusion and wonder was given to me by a single question and three words he spoke to me. For the first time since birth I felt a passion and love I had only ever seen in movies or read in storybooks. He is the first of many, but the fact is the First is irreplaceable like that first high when you take acid or Molly or coke for the first time. never ever reaching that euphoria of that first high again no matter how many times you try. And so I was intoxicate by him and when I no longer had my drug I broke down, cried, cursed the world, and stalked. So like an addict I tried to get him back, and find ways to stay part of his life. I was junkie in rehab trying to find substitute like a smoker but the patches only work for the first few days and lost its effect, the nicotine gum I chewed over time didn't compare to him, at the NA meetings I would find myself talking or thinking of him knowing that for the rest of my life I wouldn't ever feel that high again because once u hit the climax it all goes down from there. It takes three weeks to break an addiction it really take a few months to stop thinking often of it, it takes a year to start a new drug. The new drug will make you feel a high at moments, the feeling will last for the first few months and the hope that you have found your fix hangs above your head but it's not the same. For every once in awhile you will be reminded by a letter, by a text, or by a nickname of ur very first addiction so u look for patches or try to convince yourself that the nicotine gum you are chewing is sufficient, that you don't need to reach that first high again. That your new drug is enough if not better...but it's simply not the same.