Veronica II: Sarah

Veronica II : Sarah

My friend and I get into her car, her name is Sarah. She's slightly taller than average with brown hair, and smile to light up any room. I'm about to drive us to the apple farm. It's a tradition I don't normally go with Sarah but since.... but I don't want to go alone.

"So how are you Veronica? It seems like ages since we've hung out! I've never been apple picking before but it sounds like so much fun!" Says Sarah in her normal peppy voice.

"Yeah it is fun. We're looking for pie apples but we can get a bag for eating. They also sell all kinds of weird stuff, weird cheese, applesauce, apple cider, and apple donu-" I pause. I don't know if I want any apple donuts. That was always my favorite thing, but... I don't know. Why am I even going to the apple farm? Dad should be here at the least. Why am I doing this? I don't really want to. I guess old habits just die hard.

"Apple donuts! Woah that sounds good!" Sarah exclaims. She's too happy. Why did I bring her? She's too happy, too cheery.

"Yeah." I reply cold and distantly. I focus purely on the road at this point. Closing myself from conversation.

"So... I noticed you never answered my question." Sarah says. But not in her normal way. I glance at her at see she's staring out the window, calculating I see it. I know that look I never thought I'd see it from her. She wants to play this damned game. She's just like the rest of them.

"Do I need to answer? Does everyone assume they need to take care of me? I'm fine. I can look out for myself I'm not 12, Sarah. So stop trying you're not going to get anywhere." I snap at her. I don't care if I hurt her feelings. As far as I'm concerned she attacked first, my retaliation was to be expected. I grip the wheel firmly and give the car in front a death glare.

"I have a question, if that's really how you feel, that no one can help... why would you offer to bring me along? I thought this was an invitation for help. You think I don't know this is normally what you do with your mom? I came because I thought this would help bring closure. Not so you can have a witness to your alienation." Sarah says in a shaky voice. That throws me off I didn't expect her to sound like that. I glance at her again. Tears are slowly dropping down her face.

I sigh and think about what she just said. She has a point. Why did I invite her? I don’t want to talk about what happened but I also can’t keep silent about it anymore. I feel inside myself and it feels almost like my soul is split in two. It feels like half of me is so sad and broken, and the other half is void. Empty of logic or reason or care. I exist at both states simultaneously. And it feels like any moment the crack between the two halves will shatter into tiny pieces no longer recognizable.

Emotion wells in my chest, but the nothingness does also. Now is the time for choice I can feel it. I can’t keep existing like this. I must choose should I feel too much or nothing at all? I feel like exploding, like I can’t take this. It will end soon. It must I will just collapse everything will go black, and it will be okay.

The funny thing is I know that won’t happen. The feeling will just increase until I choose, Overwhelming emotion , or inescapable nothingness. There is the third option, stalling until my very Psyche shatters and I entirely lose my sense of self. No thats madness, there's no reason such a drastic decision makes sense. Especially over something as trivial as this. I clear my mind of such thoughts and collect myself to make a response.

“I’m sorry okay Sarah? It’s just really tough to think about it. So much has changed… I don’t even know how to describe it.” But these words are hollow. I wonder where they came from because I didn’t say them. These aren’t even words. They’re just bait. A desperate attempt from some part of me to stall action. But that's nonsense. What action is there even to take?

I don’t ponder for too long before Sarah replies. “No it's okay, I’m sorry I should’ve realized it was a touchy subject. I'm sorry for snapping at you.” Something feels so wrong. Something at my very core. She shouldn’t be the one apologizing, I’m the wrong one she is completely right.

I try to speak to apologize for my actions, a real apology, but I find myself unable. The words just don’t come out. I feel the lump in my chest but I can’t. What am I doing? This is too much, too much, too much. I’m lost in the sea of myself and I can’t find a way out.

I decide to make a temporary choice. For now i will let the void take me. It’s almost like closing your eyes, slowly your care for everything fades, everything bad is gone. And finally I can function. Not at a very high level but function enough to get through this encounter with Sarah. Long enough so I can get back home and recollect myself.

“So you excited to go apple picking? My favorite apples are the green ones” Again more words I didn’t say. But it's okay now. I really don’t care. Maybe my autopilot will screw up my friendship with Sarah but that’s okay. I don’t need people anyway.

“Really? Those ones are so sour! I like the sweet red ones better. And yes! I love farms and plants and we can eat all the apples we want!” says Sarah, so excited, so happy, so present. It's okay, It's okay, everything's fine here in the void. I’m safe here… Im safe…

“I love sour, remember my life goal is to destroy my tongue in every way possible! Spicy, Salty, Sour, Bitter, I’m gonna do it. That's how i'll judge my life's worth, by how well my tongue works by the end of it.” These words almost sound like something I would say before. This feeling is just temporary… I'll let myself feel normal again when I get home. For now I will laugh and joke and it will all be okay.

Some part of me inside recognizes this lie. That this is the wrong thing to do. But I don’t know what else to do, should i just feel overwhelmed the entire time? Like i'm going to split apart, like I can’t go on? No this is better. This is definitely better.

We arrive at the Apple Farm. Sarah gets out quickly, excited like a puppy. I linger for a moment, almost as if i'm asleep. Sarah yells something about being a slow poke and hurry up. I think I get up and out of the car. The void is better. This is better.


To be continued...