The Substitute

Chik, chik. The scissors flew over the head to the right and to the left. Like a crow flapping wings and eating away hair. Chik. Chik.

"Pete, did you hear what happened to James last week?"
"No." Chick, chick.
"He lost his ear when he was at hairdresser."

(Chick… !) "What do you mean?" Pete looked on Kev's ears, even touched them to be sure they are safe. "Do you mean I hurt you on ear?"
"Oh no, Pete. You are doing well. It's not like that at all. Didn't you know that James lost his ear in Iraq and they did him prosthesis?"

Pete sat on the chair near Kev and looked at him. "What do you mean prosthesis? Like ear prosthesis? Do they do them now?"
"James, you are funny. Of course they do. They can substitute any part of your body by prosthesis."

Pete jumped on his feet and almost shouted: "I don't need any prosthesis in my body."
"Sure you need."
"No, I need Not! I know better."
"But Pete, you've lost your left eye in that affray and from then on you walk with your ugly black patch. Wouldn't you like to get prosthesis instead of that lost eye?"
"It's not lost. I know where it is - in 'three pigs' tavern in the toilet."
"I mean, Pete, wouldn't you like to go out with girls? They don't like you now because of that black patch. They say you look like a pirate. And keeping a parrot here just makes the comparison much closer."

"Girls, you say? Hm. Maybe I will get just girls prosthesis?"
"Do you mean like an 'instead' girl? A surrogate?"
"Yeh. Would be easier for me to talk with her."
"Her?"
"Yes, Mariana."
"Oh, Mariana! O la la! You have a good taste."
"Well…"
"I didn't know you have problems to talk with Mariana."
"Yeh, you know how it is. I see her and my tongue gets jelly and remains in my mouth, though I try to push it out. Nothing helps."
"Then you could get prosthesis instead of your eye and instead of your tongue."
"What good will it be?"

"I saw last week somebody with such a "replacement" tongue and he didn't stop to talk. He got drunk and fell on the floor asleep. But the mouth didn't close and he rambled all the night."
"I like it. But it won't help, because I don't know what to say to Mariana."
"Brain substitute could help you."
"I really think that you have there something, you know. Wait here a moment. I'll phone her and arrange to go out."

*
"Thanks for the idea. I'll meet her today and everything will be well. I think…But nah, it's no good."
"What's now?"
"I am afraid that in that broil that I lost my eye, I've lost some of my masculinity. Not all, mind you, I have some, but it hardly could be called infantility, least masculinity. Mariana will laugh about it."
"You mean, you are afraid you won't be up to Mariana's expectations?"
"Yes. How could I?"

"Pete. I know what you should do."
'What, Kev. Please say."
"You have to substitute yourself totally."
"How?"
"Vey simply - by me!"