Veronica III : Johnathan

Veronica III : Jonathan

         I walk slowly through the night. Breathing in the cool air. Deep breathes, the air sting my lungs but I enjoy that feeling. The familiar numbing hug of the cold and dark. I look around at the houses around me. They're all starting to have christmas decorations. Inflatable santas and candy canes. Lights everywhere. The smell of cookies and sweets in the air.

         But to me there is nothing here. Nothing I care for anyway. Just the dark and the cold. I keep walking loosing myself in thought. Eyes downcast, head tilted, hood pulled up. I don't know what else I can do but walk. Slowly. Step by step without falter constant rhythm. The shamble of the dead, slow , without purpose, but constant, and never faltering.

         I am like them now. The dead that is, what more do I want from this world? Not much. There isn't a point or purpose. No rhyme or reason. Hehehe too late for that. I allow myself to grieve for just a moment as I notice the shift from fall to winter. Damn it why can't fall last forever? The pretty leaves, the crisp air, cold but not freezing. Fall is perfect, why do we need winter? What is there in this season? Snow is cool but your shoes get wet and then you're miserable. I would love to stand outside in the winter but then I would get frostbite. There's the holidays but they hold no more appeal to me.

         And thus my shamble of the dead continues. Step by step. I do not falter. My destination forgotten in the numbing shamble of the souls who no longer belong in heaven or hell. No longer belong in the world of life, neither will death welcome them. Trapped forever in endless limbo. The dead can reminiscence of their life, the living can look to the future, but to us special damned neither are applicable. Only this comforting shamble.

         I look at a tree and notice every leaf is gone. Not a single one left. The leaves on the floor are brown and crunch under my shoes. Fall's reign is over, winter is here. That season. And what do I have to be happy for in this time of year? Winter isn't a time of happiness and family. No winter is the aberration of the weak. Winter is the time of death and despair, how many animals will freeze to death alone and scared? How many curled in a ball with no food or water that didn't scavenge enough the year before? How many people find themselves homeless with no means for warmth who fall asleep and never rise again? Slowly fading into nothing?

         Winter is not a time to celebrate. No winter is the harvest of souls. But it will not harvest me. No, it will leave me here, and if my body fails and I fall apart I will not have hell to greet me, mine is but nothing. Nothing awaits me. I am not deserving of hell.

         And how can I stay in the land of life? Those who have lost feeling aren't welcome here. I am not welcome here. And what should I do then? Suicide? No I have long ago resolved that I am too weak to ever resort to such measures. Besides. Nothing better awaits me after.

         I suddenly snap out of my trance. Awakened by the sight of my old house. There are no lights up. No symbols of merry hood. Empty and desperate is this house. And here is where I was bound. This is my parents house. It's rather small, made of brick, a tiny rose garden in the front. A diamond window in the front door, a concrete staircase leading up to the door. Not quite welcoming, but also not hostile.

         I stand for just a moment. I smell nothing. I feel naught but the wind on my face, the colds last embrace before I step forth once more. I can't ponder here for long, the shamble of the dead can't be stopped. Not by nothing in this world. I step forward and climb the steps. And then I ring the doorbell.

         I hear it from out here. The ring i've heard my entire life. But no longer is her voice here to yell "I'm coming!" "One more moment" just the silence greets me. After what seems like an eternity of silence the door opens. My father looks at me and smiles and says "Welcome home Veronica." This isn't home. Not anymore. Nothing but a scar on this earth to remind me of what once was. A constant taunting of the world. Nowhere will ever welcome me.

         "Hi Dad. So we're going to make cookies?" I say getting to the point. After all the dead stop for nothing. "Yes, and I bought the ingredients for your favorite!" he says excitedly. I pause, favorite? Do I have favorites? None come to mind at first. He sees the confusion on my face "You know, snicker doodle cookies?" he hesitates. Oh yeah. I think back and I'm pretty sure I remember saying they were my favorite at one point.

"Yeah of course I love those." I say hollowly. Stupid! How could I falter like
that? I am dead, the dead do not hesitate. The dead do not falter.

"I'm glad I remembered. Someone has to remember what you like and it certainly seems like you won't" he says almost accusingly. He's caught on. I suppose it makes sense. Everyone can smell the dead from a mile away.

"Dad you know I never remember anything. I'd forget my own name if given the chance." I play the bad memory card. My memory has always been terrible, everyone knows that I can't remember anything to save my life that much is true.

"I'm worried about you. You hardly call, you don't talk much anymore. You don't even look like you enjoy life. I know you, you're always so full of life, always so excited. I miss her too. But we have to live for here. We can't just die too." He says. A trap, damn it! He's wrong though. How could I live? And more importantly I don't even think this is about my mother anymore. No this is about me. My own soul. My own damnation. This has nothing to do with that anymore.

I know the perfect card to play. A cold calculated move masquerading as human emotion. "It's just. I don't know what to do, she was always there for me... and now she's - she's..." I stagger intentionally, breaking my voice preparing to cry. This isn't about her anymore. I'm sorry mom but the living will not tolerate the dead in this world. I will be like a vampire, draining others of their life to help me mask as alive.

"Gone, I know how hard it is I loved her too. But we must keep going. We must live for her Veronica. Not despite her, not without her, but for her. We must be happy and healthy in her place. Look at this house, it is not lifeless it echoes with her essence her soul. What's left of her is here with us, in this place." His words stir something in me. No I can't, I won't! I won't feel anymore I am dead I will not live once more! Life is pain I don't want to I don't want to!

I feel the tears build behind my eyes against my will. My emotions awaken like a sleeping gold suddenly rising up to bring order once again. But the pain returns too. The pain of life. "God I miss her dad. I can't believe it I just can't. I look around and all I see are reminders of what the world took away. How could any loving universe do this? How could anything let this happen?" Tears are rolling down my face. I can't think I'm so blinded by this. It's better to be dead than is.

When you're dead there is no pain, only silence and dark and cold. I want to go back. I need to go back, I won't do this anymore, I can't, I beg the void to take me back. But it won't. It betrays me, refusing to take away the pain. This is the price you pay for the void. Like a loan you must pay back the pain it alleviated.

"The world is mysterious Veronica, it must be for the better. Maybe she was needed else where... maybe it was to make us stronger. To let us be able to handle anything. But please trust me, talk to me, I don't want to watch you suffer anymore. I'm here for you." He opens up for a hug.

I go in for it. I hug him because I really do love him. I'm not dead. I am alive god damn it I am alive. I love I care, I hurt, and I need help. But I think I'm okay now. I think we will be fine...

We spent the night making cookies and singing together. It was fun, I remembered life and emotion. Now this is when a normal person would turn their life around. Remember life and return. But not I. For the second I stepped out the door my old friends greeted me. Darkness and cold stood there waiting for my return.

It seems to whisper to me "You already sold me your soul remember? You can't escape. She's still gone. This doesn't make it better. The world is just as harsh as cold as before." All the life I gained is sapped from me. Dead again I am.

I walk slowly back to my apartment, fading more and more each step. I can't go numb again. I don't want to be dead I want to live. I don't want to exist in limbo once more. How do I get better? How? Why is everything only temporary?

There is only one thing to do at this point. If I die now, alive and aware maybe mercy will be granted to my soul. Maybe just maybe the feeling of life will remain if I die like this. I don't want to go back to being numb. There is only one solution.

That dark path, I've walked it before. And once again I walk it. Now would be a good time wouldn't it? After all winter is the time of death. The time of ends. Now with my last shred of life I will die. Here and now I walk to the bridge.

I feel the shamble of death return again. A fire slowly dying in my heart I feel it. I must do it before it extinguishes. Life is pointless anyway, there's no end goal I'm okay dying as long as I'm myself. Life brings me so much pain and false death isn't a solution either. I can't go unfeeling and numb forever. It must end.

Something must end. It must reach a conclusion. Of some kind something must change! This is the most obvious way to do it. It must it must. I feel it burn in my soul. Not numb, not feeling, but a burn for something to end today. No. This second this instant this moment something must end. And if it's my life so be it I can't do this it's too much.

Clambering through the cold I reach the bridge. But when I look down, it's too late. I'm already dead. Jumping won't change a thing. And so I walk away, there's nothing here for me. Not a meaningful death. Well, I better get home then. After all. The dead don't stop. The dead don't falter.

I feel a buzz in my pocket. Sarah "Hey Veronica, how are you doing? We should hangout sometime I haven't seen you since we went apple picking! And that was like 3 months ago!" Veronica? Who is Veronica? Sorry she's not here anymore. After all the dead don't belong in this world. I ignore the message. Nothing for there anymore

The dead do not falter.