A Week in the Life of a Supervillain

(2498 words)

Tuesday

It's my mother's fault. She gave birth to me when Mars ruled the sky. If she'd just held me in for another week I would have had a completely different personality. As it was, I couldn't help but be a villain. Strike that, I wasn't just a villain. I was a supervillain. And like all supervillains, I had a master plan to take over the world.

My takeover had to be on a Tuesday. All my best work was always done on that lucky day. The time when I was six and I glued my teacher's pants to her seat in an attempt to take over the classroom? Happened on a Tuesday. Sure, I only ruled that room for an hour before Ms. Goody-Two-Shoes, Hero Whitemore, escaped and tattled to the principal. But it was the greatest thing that happened in first grade.

And then there was my job at the ever popular coffee shack, Javva the Hut. I had brewed up a special mind-control concoction that I added to each caffeine laced beverage. That Tuesday I would have taken over all of Megalopolis City except for two minor miscalculations on my part: Hero Whitemore and her love for herbal tea. What kind of crazy person subsists on tea? And what kind of cafe offers it? At any rate, Hero managed to throw together an antidote with some cream and sugar in like, two minutes, thus thwarting my plan. I never should have agreed to be her lab partner at Champion High.

Not only did my glorious take-over have to be on a Tuesday, but the stars decreed that to be successful, it must be on a charmed date...and that I had to get rid of Hero Whitemore.

The first would be easy enough to accomplish. I flipped through my calendar and circled May 8 in permanent red ink. The perfect Tuesday. I grinned as the calendar pages dropped back to January. I had four months to get my plans in order. Four months to take care of Hero. That thought made me frown. Hero was a tough cookie. She seemed to anticipate my every move and countered my every attempt for world domination. I tapped my chin as I thought about the blonde beauty. It was strange for one like she, born under Venus, to be so confrontational. But every step I took there she was, trying to stop me.

"Don't bomb that bridge, Bill," she'd say with a smile, wagging a finger in my face before sending a blast of wind that would wretch the detonator from my hands. "Oh, Billy-boy!" she'd smirk as she formed a miniature tornado. Her perfect hair would whip around her perfect face as the wind swirled around her. "Did you really think you could boil the oceans dry with your little toy?" She'd sigh and the tornado would lift my Boiler 2000--which took me three months to build, by the way, and send it flying out of the Earth's atmosphere.

In the past I had tried to kill Hero but with the Powers of Air that Venus had bestowed upon her, she was difficult to destroy. We would clash, me shooting fire from my hands (thank you, Mars!), and she would block with a wall of air. It was the same old story month after month, year after year. Well, this time would be different. This time I was going to make her fall madly in love with me. Once I had her trust, I would blind her with the rose colored glasses I had created in my lab. Then I could do anything I wanted. She would see no wrong in me. I threw back my head and laughed as evilly as I could, even as my heart thrummed a nervous beat at the thought of wooing Hero, of all people.

I reached for and cracked open a faded old notebook. Ignoring my past failed plans I flipped to a fresh sheet and pressed a pencil to the top page.

How to Conquer Hero Whitemore aka The Tempest

Step One:

I had to force my hand to continue. Usually I was full of eager anticipation when it came to a new idea for world domination but this time I had a hard time writing out the words.

Be nice to Hero.

I tapped the pencil against my lips. "How does a person be nice?" I mumbled. I vaguely remembered my mother bringing me breakfast in bed...but I doubted Hero would appreciate me busting into her bedroom in the morning with bacon and eggs. She'd probably blast me out her bedroom window with one strong gust of wind.

I dropped the pencil and rubbed my eyes with the heels of my hands. A long-lost memory was forced to the forefront of my mind. A shadowy figure, a classmate perhaps, had given me a baseball on my tenth birthday. I had felt thrilled at the kindness of his gift. Though, I frowned as the memory faded, I had threatened to melt the playground at school unless all the elementary school kids threw me a party, so the present was probably more a result of coercion rather than genuine care...Still, it gave me an idea.

"Gifts!" I cried, scooping up the pencil again. As I scribbled I smiled. Boy, would Hero be surprised on Wednesday!

Wednesday

"All right, Bill...what's in the chocolate? Another recipe for mind-control, perhaps?" Hero's pixie nose wrinkled as she popped open the heart-shaped box of chocolates. I knew this was going to be a tough mission.

"Sheesh, Hero, you sure are suspicious. It's just chocolate."

Hero raised an eyebrow as she dropped the box on the counter with a thump loud enough to make three customers spill their coffee. "Nothing with you is ever that simple, Bill."

"I'll prove it to you," I grunted, shoving the box toward her. "Pick any piece you want and I'll eat it."

Hero shrugged and reached for a creamy piece of milk chocolate.

"But not coconut," I gagged. Hero huffed and crossed her arms over her chest. She fixed her blue eyes on me as if she had the power to freeze me in place. She wished.

"Seriously," I placed a hand over my heart, "Coconut is my kryptonite."

Hero rolled her eyes and reached for a different piece. I popped the candy in my mouth and chewed vigorously.

"See?" I said, swallowing.

Hero hesitated and then tossed a piece into her mouth. "So," she chewed, "Now that I know your weakness..."

"Guess I'm at your mercy," I grinned.

Hero scooped up the box and hugged it to her chest. "I don't know what you're up to, Bill, but I will find out. And when I do..." She menaced me with a pointed finger before stomping to the supply room to grab an apron.

"I think she's warming up to me," I murmured and then laughed at the unintended pun.

Thursday

The town was abuzz with the news: The power grid on the east coast was completely shut down. Reports claimed it was a giant EMP...but I knew better. Hero, on the other hand, did not.

"I'm surprised you've showed your face this morning," Hero frowned.

"It wasn't my fault!" I protested.

Hero stomped a foot, creating a puff of wind that threw back her golden locks. "I might not be able to prove it but I know it was you, Bill!"

"Shows how much you know," I smirked, planting my hands on my hips, "My plan was to burn down the Golden Gate Bridge and hold San Francisco hostage until the President of the United States meets with the U.N. and votes to make me Supreme Ruler of the World."

Hero's jaw dropped as I jabbed a finger toward the coffee shop's television. Gabby Babylon, Megalopolis' favorite reporter, was announcing the multiple riots taking place in Florida.

"This," I sighed, "Was an awesome idea. But...it wasn't mine. It was my boy, Toby's, idea. He used to work at Megalopolis's electric company. There was some kind of accident and, blah, blah, blah...he has superpowers now."

"Electricity?" Hero's mouth formed into an astonished 'o'.

"Bingo. And if this little stunt of his is successful, I'm gonna have to kill him," I winked, "Can't have two supervillains running the world now, can we?"

"You're such a jerk, Billy."

I reached for her hand and smiled, "Aww, it's our first fight — " Hero yanked her hand away and threw a ball of air, flinging me against the wall. I peeled myself off the wood paneling with a grin. Now I knew she liked me.

Friday

I woke with blurry eyes and a groan that would scare a ghost. Every Friday I was sluggish and slow and redundant because my brain and mind just couldn't keep up with the day. It was the worst day of the week. Ever. Which meant Hero would have the upper hand.

"Give me coffee. Countless and endless cups of it," I grunted. Hero slid a steaming mug across the counter and into my waiting hand. The liquid sloshed over my fingers and dribbled down my wrist as I chugged the brew.

"Are you drunk?"

"Of course not!" I sniffed, passing the mug back for another fill-up, "What kind of animal do you take me for?" I slipped a pair of sunglasses over my eyes to block the glaringly cheerful day. Hero's mouth twitched.

"Are you laughing at me?" I pouted, "Some friend you are..." A laugh burst out and she covered her mouth as if to keep any more giggles from escaping, "When have we ever been friends?"

"Since forever," I sipped my third cup of coffee and tried to ignore the pounding headache behind my right eye. "If we weren't friends, you wouldn't always be trying to save me from myself."

Hero blinked. Her mouth opened and then shut like a fish gasping for oxygen.

"Yeah, things get real on Fridays," I smirked, "And because we're such good friends, I got you a gift."

"Another one?"

I pulled out a small, wrapped box and slapped it in her hand, "I would've gotten you flowers but I just infected the town's supply with a pollen-hampering solution in an attempt to take over the city's food supply. All the flowers are dying and I hardly have to do a thing...the bees will do all the work for me," I shrugged.

Hero tentatively pulled at the ribbon around the gift, "Thanks, I think..." The box popped open to reveal a chic pair of sunglasses. I held my breath as she picked them up and frowned. My master plan depended on her accepting the gift without suspicion.

"Now we can be twins," I forced a grin, hoping I didn't look like the cat that ate the canary.

"Yours aren't...pink," she grimaced.

"Un-identical twins," I winked. I drained my cup, peeking over the rim as her lips puckered. With a slight shrug, she slipped them over her face. I dropped the mug on the floor, spraying shards of stoneware across the floor.

"Oh, Billy!" Hero gasped, "Look at how wonderfully you smashed that cup!"

I rubbed my hands together in glee. The game was afoot!

Saturday

I was able to sleep in on Saturday and then take my time working on my Doomsday Weapon because I finally had a minion to do all my dirty work for me.

Take my supersuit to the dry cleaners? Check!

Feed the giant crocodile in my secret lair? Check!

Scrub my golden toilet? Well, that'd get done in just a few months, when I finally held the world in the palms of my hands.

All I had to do was say jump and Hero would cheerfully ask, "How high?" Ah, it was good to be king.

Sunday

If it's too good to be true, it probably is. Hero stomped into my lair Sunday morning and threw the pink shades at my feet.

"Your stupid croc knocked those off my face with his stupid tail," she crossed her arms over her chest and glared. A breeze pushed past me, sending several sheets of paper swirling off my desk. Uh, oh.

Monday

I had thought our first fight was bad but yesterday had resulted in a true lover's quarrel. Twenty-four hours where buildings were smashed and burned and streets were reduced to rubble. In the end, like all good men who are conquered by a woman, I had to go into hiding rather than admit defeat. Fortunately, like all good supervillains, I had a back-up lair.

Tuesday

"Oh, Billy-boy!"

I flinched and ducked behind a giant marbled pillar.

"I know you're here so you might as well come out," Hero shouted. I sighed and stepped out of the shadows.

"How'd you find me?" I grumbled.

Hero rolled her eyes, "Where else would you hide out except a volcano filled with lava?"

"Yeah, well, don't get any bright ideas. I have plans for this lava..." I waited awkwardly for Hero to throw the first shot. Instead, she leaned against the marbled water fountain that took up half the foyer.

"I brought you a gift," Hero nodded to a brightly wrapped package sitting on the bottom step of the marbled staircase that led to the second story of my super lair. In case you couldn't tell, I like marble.

"A gift? How gullible do you think I am?"

Hero frowned, "I thought we were friends, Bill. In fact, I thought we were becoming more than that. I thought you liked me."

I inched closer, "Sure. Okay. Yeah, I sorta like you..."

"Then open the gift!"

"Fine!" I tore the paper off the present, "Here I've been trying to figure out how to mind-control the world and you're able to get what exactly what you want with one command..." I muttered as my eyes fell on a single vial filled with a smoky gas.

"And this is...?"

"The only way to save the world," Hero whispered, sending a gust of air that ripped the vial from my fingers and smashing to the marble floor. I coughed as the smoke curled up into my face.

"Hero!" I gasped, "You're so...evil!" My smile was weak as I fell to my knees, "I'm so...so proud of you!"

Hero rolled her eyes, "Enough with the theatrics, Bill. The substance you're now breathing was found on a meteorite that fell during the month of January..."

"Aquarius?" I hissed, "You've infected me with...Aquarius?"

"Now instead of, you know, fighting all the time, we can work together," Hero blushed and threw back her perfect hair, "As superheroes."

I tried to launch a ball of fire but my hand only sizzled and threw out a wimpy puff of air.

"I'll teach you how to harness that," Hero promised, stepping close enough for me to smell her perfume. I took her offered hand and stood. Like I've always said, all my best work is done on Saturdays.