Defeat

Tonight I was...defeated. I was defeated by the only person capable of doing such an arduous task. She beat me again...humiliated and enraged I left her side. I walked into the house with a face expression of content, a mask hiding the discontent that loomed over me. Not to my surprise it was not enough to cloud the sadness I felt. I walked humiliatingly around the house saying goodbye to everyone trying my best to keep a smile on my face when all I felt was rage and anger. She was the last one I would say goodbye too. Not before The father spoke to me...as if knowing I would need it. But this is for another time… I brought her outside. I said goodbye and stated to her that I “may or may not see her tomorrow” or in layman's terms “I’d rather not see you tomorrow.” I put one arm on her waist and kept the other in my pocket. A staple of mine when motioning an action that is displeasing to me. I gave her a kiss goodbye. But not a meaningful and loving kiss that I usually give. No. Far from it. In it was my displeasure. My rage. If it were possible to transfer emotions through a kiss, she would be overwhelmed by such a sense of defeat and anger. It was a kiss only fit for the ass of a mule. I turned around to leave and at the instance I did my mask fell and revealed the displeased and….utterly defeated boy. I did not look back. If I could not get that which I wanted, there was not point in looking back. I walked home in such a rage, wanting to rent my clothes and kick the dirt and bend it to my will, choking it until it could no longer breathe. I walked home, defeated, humiliated...and saddened. Was I not strong enough? Had I said the wrong thing?...What was it...why....why did I lose. I was displeased at the outcome. How could I lose? I lost… and it filled me with such a rage and ambition to want more. I hated to lose to her. I didn’t have the ability to get it. She is my greatest love and joy, but also the bane of my existence. Tears begged me to release them. One or two may have passed but not many more after that. I was too angry to cry. I was just angry. Angry that I couldn’t get to her. I couldn’t pierce through her like I can with everyone else and get the treasure I seek. I was stuck. She was able, and only her, to stop me in my tracks on the path to the treasure I seeked...and I knew it. I knew I was not going to get through. I knew that the treasure was not mine to take. It slipped out of my grasp and into the hands of someone less worthy of it. I was defeated. By the dirt beneath me. My defeat was to something that I will attempt to describe to the best of the English languages capabilities. I was defeated by the mud that one kicks off their feet. By the scum that is stepped and battered into the dirt without rest. By a thrown out piece of gum on a busy street being trampled endlessly by passing cars releasing their foul emissions and scum filled liquids to mix and devour the useless piece of gum. By the dirt under a landfill that not even the most putrescent of flies could bare without dying mid flight once they fly above it. By the waste all humans secrete and gratefully flush down the toilet to be washed away into the putrid sewage water where it belongs. Like the manure that horse and cattle release to be desired by the foul flies that fly this earth. All that is considered foul, putrid, hideous, rancid, revolting, repulsive, horrendous, by humanity; by such a thing I was defeated. However, this defeat only fuels my ambitions. Like a wild Lion in a cage. I will not be subdued nor held back. Defeat, although exceedingly displeasing, I also find convenient. After the sting and pain that defeat and loss burden me with. I find pleasure in the moment. I roister in it, in the moment when I am knocked out onto the floor and forced to eat the dirt. For I know that this will not be my final destiny. I will rise again, and when I do, even the lion will lionize my presence.