A terrifying dream

This is NOT a story for the faint of heart. If you have any fear of death or suicide I strongly suggest you not read this. This will be graphic.

Have you ever had a dream that was so real that it ripped you out of a deep sleep? You woke up terrified and gasping for breath that you were sure just a moment ago would never come again? I have told maybe 2 people about a dream that I had once, not so long ago, that did just that. I have had some dreams that were dark and somewhat scary that I still remember from when I was young, but this dream was terrifying and I suspect that it will haunt me for the rest of my life. You see, I died in my dream. It wasn’t an accident or some misfortune, but I killed myself. I still remember it like it actually happened. I was sitting in my bedroom, legs crossed and put a gun in my mouth. I can remember the taste of the cold metal. I can remember the fear and sadness as I pulled the trigger. I remember the feeling as the round exited the back of my head. There was no pain. Afterwards I could see the wound. Like I had exited my body to glimpse at the smoking, gaping, bloody mess that revealed the now empty cavity that was once my head. After realizing what I had done, real fear set in. Somehow I could still think and feel regret. My mind started swimming with thoughts of why, and what did I just do? I started seeing the faces of my beautiful daughters, as babies and I could feel their hands in mine, but they were slipping out of my hands and I then realized that I would never hold their hands or hug them ever again. I realized that I could not undo what I had just done, and I had never, ever wanted to undo anything so badly in my life. I could feel a knot welling up in my chest and as I felt like I was about to cry I realized that it wasn’t tears steaming down my face and into my lap, but blood as it ran, gushing, uncontrollably from my mouth and nose. I could feel death wrapping its dark cloak around me as my vision slowly narrowed down to about the size of a quarter. Just before it closed all the way I awoke, gasping for air. I looked at my pillow to make sure that it had only been a dream and that I wasn’t actually bleeding. I nearly drown when I was 15, but this was by far the most precious breath that I had ever gasped because the terror and the reality of that dream was so intense and disturbing that I cried. I can still recall the feeling of the blood running out of my face onto my lap. I can still see and feel the world narrowing and closing in on my last breath. The sadness of knowing that I could never hold my kids again is something that makes me appreciate every moment that I have with them. Now I need you to understand that I am not suicidal. I have my days when I am not at all satisfied with life and I don’t want to deal with anyone or anything, but I don’t really want to die. Even in my most mentally tortured days I appreciate life. This dream I had, was very real, and I have no idea where it came from. I can tell you this though, I definitely feel like I have died and been fortunate enough to be given a chance to appreciate life so much more. No matter what I do though, I carry this dream with me and think about it often and there is nothing more terrifying than a dream that is too real.