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The fireman removed his helmet and ran his hand through his sweat drenched hair. "So, Mr Ryan, tell me again how you got stuck in the window."

I could tell he was trying not laugh. It might be funny to him but it wasn't for me. I was seated in the back door of the ambulance, drinking a cup of glucose. I pulled up my T-shirt and looked again at the scrapes and bruising on my fat belly.

"Like I said," I sighed, "I finished up the last of the painting for Mrs. Hornsby. As we arranged, I locked up and then put the key through the letter box. When I got in my van, I realised I left my phone in the house. I remembered leaving the small downstairs bathroom window open to let out the fumes." I shook my head, thinking what a fool I had been.

The fireman looked down at my wide girth and this time he couldn't keep the smile off his face. "And that's when you decided to climb in that small window."

I nodded, cringing. "Yup, but I got stuck halfway in. I tried pushing back out but couldn't. The window frame and catch were digging into my belly."

"What time was that?"

"Oh. I guess around eleven."

He looked at his watch. "Man, that was six hours ago."

"There was no one around to hear my yells until Mrs. Hornsby came home. The worst thing was, those evil crows decided to perch on my butt and peck at me." I could still feel the gouges in my backside.

The fireman doubled over laughing. I glared at him. He removed a phone from his pocket.

"This your phone?"

I took it. "Yea. Where was it?"

"In your van."