Horse thoughts August 2007

Dear B.

Today, I went to the Horse Expo with Bev. While I was at one of the sessions, I had an "aha!" moment that I want to try to share with you.

I have loved horses for years--since girlhood--the smell and feel of them is truly aroma-/sensory-therapy for me. I've had the privilege of riding horses regularly for the past several years and it has been a great release. Being with a horse, grooming it, riding it, and most incredible of all cantering on it is pure joy : )

At the expo today, I recognized another connection I relate to, with horses.

There was a session presented by a trainer on working with "green" horses (untrained) or horses with "issues." The horse he was working with for the first time was a six year-old quarter horse/Arab--big, dark, beautiful and scared. The horse was stiff, resistant, untrusting--ready to fly if given the opportunity. He had been "given up" by his owner for bucking, throwing the rider and resisting the bit. I quickly felt sympathy for the horse--fearing for him that without "rehab", "proper training", he will enter the downward spiral that ends at a slaughter house.

The trainer began working with the horse firmly but gently, drawing him in, causing him to run in circles, suppling and softening him. And while the trainer did this he described to us what was happening with the horse. I was amazed at his observations of the horse's stiffness, fear, and his ability to get the horse to stop, to think, to cooperate, to trust.

I felt like that horse-- in that instant, I felt I could have wept with fear, the desire to fly away, lack of trust. But, I also recognized with amazement that when we visit with you, B., you are able to recognize what I don't want to see, or just don't see. I appreciate your work w/me-- as with the horse-- after the fear is released I can relax. Often I find myself re-hashing the hard or scary ideas/thoughts, you've drawn out during the week. Sometimes with a final softening, relaxing acceptance--sometimes not.

This week, in particular, was hard. Attempting to consider feelings related to my family of origin is for some reason intensely scary. I have made several attempts to approach the subject, but it feels like an abyss I would not come out of--so I must not go there now. Coincidentally, at S-Anon, Tuesday, the topic was Step 8, being willing to make amends to those we've (I've) wronged. I believe I am willing to come to my family of origin currently from that angle. I do desire a better relationship with each of them, if possible.

Anyway, I wanted to say that I do appreciate and benefit from your observations when I am in a blind haze and am grateful for the relief I receive when I do "soften" and accept.

Thank you,
D..
On a sad note--I wonder what will happen when this horse partially "improved" is returned to his owner, or passes on to others' hands. Will they take the time to work with him, or will he revert to "issues" of fear and distrust?

and--will I choose healthy trust or revert?