ADHD

This post has nothing to do with the illness known as ADHD.

He said to me, "Wow I've never done something like that. Had sex and just been so casual about it." Then he left the room. I remember my heart sinking. It was casual for him. Maybe how we went about it was in a casual manner, but the emotions I had for him had been brewing all year and they weren't casual. But I made the mistake in thinking that if I slept with him, hed want a relationship with me. It sounds so stupid now but it made sense then. Sadly, it wasn't the last time I made that mistake.

Honestly, I don't know who I was fooling more. I knew hed never have a real relationship with me. No matter how compatible we were, he was my cousin's ex. Her first (and then only) love and the guy she gave her virginity to. My little cousin. I'm a horrible person.

In the 37 weeks that followed that day, I only had one moment when I thought I was pregnant. I got home and used the bathroom and said in a whisper to myself "Damn. I'm pregnant." and laughed. It had just been an hour ago I slept with him and there's no way, I was just being a silly 16 year old because I had done something dumb and been too embarrassed to correct him when he assumed I was on birth control.

Over the years, I've lost parts of this story. Itd be amazing if I remembered each day actually. I don't know why I thought I could be pregnant. I didn't keep track of my periods well because they we're always regular and I hadn't been with anyone since Shain broke up with me almost 1.5 years earlier. All I remember was going with Chantel and Nicole to buy a preg test. And screwing it up. Twice. Lol. I think we just gave up that day and assumed I was being silly. I just was having those thoughts because Chantel had a baby and Nicole was preg herself.

I didn't know for sure until the end of May when I took a test with Michelle. It came up positive so quick. I was really depressed and unsure. But I left her house and met up with Chantel. I told her and we went to the mall. That sounds so weird. Even weirder was I met up with a guy I liked and ended up hooking up with him the first time. We used a condom. Go figure.

The whole summer came and went. I didn't see Michael at all and I didn't FEEL preg. But somewhere in the fall after school started I faced facts for a moment. I don't remember much. I do remember saying something about my weight in my journal in a way that I knew why I was gaining. I remember googling about abortions and adoptions in Illinois. But I didn't do anything. It seemed like research for a paper to me. And all those people around me who knew, just didn't say anything. Like we all forgot. But I do remember begging Michael to talk to me. Finally we set up a time for me to call him after school and I told him. I don't remember the conversation except that I think it was casual and short lived. Kinda fitting I guess. It was like I was telling him the date Chris Columbus founded America then we said goodbye. I don't even know if that upset me. I just don't remember it. I vaguely recall writing him some notes. I think partially about the baby. I said I thought it was a girl. I signed one or two of them Felicia and Elizabeth. But writing those notes were the only time I admitted it or even thought about it. Michael was the only person who made me face it and yet he didn't even want to talk to me.

This next part is horrible but I'm being honest for my memory's sake. One day after school I didn't feel good. I went to the bathroom and there was blood. A lot of blood. It just wouldn't stop. Like 10 days of a period in just minutes. I was soaked. I remember thinking "oh well its over. I'm not pregnant anymore" I was already at least six months by then and if I'd been logical I'd known it doesn't work like that. I think I even wrote in my journal that I'd lost the baby. I just didn't want it to be real so I was thankful it was over. To me though, it wasn't a baby or a person. It was just this problem I had and I was trying to figure out how it could get better. I really thought ignoring it would work.

I don't remember anything else really other than an incident in the government class I shared with Michael. Kathleen, a girl who obv hated me for correcting a joke someone else made one day, made a big scene. It had to do with calling me out about being preg and lying about it and hiding it from everyone. I denied it. I remember looking at Michael in class and he said nothing. I don't even know if he looked back at me or acknowledged me. I dropped the class to go to a different teacher the next day. I don't think I saw Michael after that since we didn't have any classes together anymore.

The birth story is long and complicated but nothing I need to relive for my memory's sake at the moment. I will note a few things though. I decided by time they induced me to do adoption. My aunt contacted someone and took care of a lot for me. So once the baby was born someone started to ask if I wanted to hold him. A nurse rushed her and the baby away mumbling about adoption. Thinking back it breaks my heart. Andrews first hours were just in that heat lamp with nurses. Without knowing anything of the situation and the world, he probably just longed for his parents, his mother, for me. I couldn't do it though. I didn't have the option to make any other choice.

Speaking of other choices, Michaels mom Chris tried hard to offer us one. She told me shed take the baby and raise it. I could be there whenever it was convenient for me and Michael but shed keep him while we went out and went to school and whatever. She even called a couple people about legal action to stop me from choosing adoption I believe. She was sad to hear grandparents have no rights anymore.

If memory serves me right, Michael signed over his rights before Andrew was born. Or maybe it was right after. I don't know if he was at the hospital before I had the baby but I know he wasn't there during. Actually, he was at home sleeping and then went to school on Monday (I had the baby Sunday) I think. He may of said people had questions or looked at him but I don't know. It wasn't well known it was his baby and I wasn't trying to change that to make things harder for him.

I remember Michael coming to the hospital to see Andrew. We went into the nursery together the 2 of us and held him. His mom came too and filmed it. Michael said he was a good looking boy, but how could he not be with us as his parents. That was probably the only sentence of acknowledgment we had the whole time at the hospital and one of very few since.

I had one moment at night alone in the hospital that I went to see Andrew. I took him back to my room and just held him and looked at him. I was still disconnected. I didn't believe he was my baby. That I made him, that I gave birth to him. But it had to be that way. Connecting meant hurting and to me hurting would of led to changing my mind. I couldn't do that. I knew it was right what I was doing, even if no one else agreed.

Andrew left the hospital with his parents Steve and Kim after just 48 hours. Michael was there when they took him and we took a couple photos. I didn't cry. I don't think I really cried at all until about 2 weeks later. Kim cried. She was so thankful and blessed. They had tried for 9 years to conceive and been chosen by a mother before who changed her mind. When I handed Andrew to her she shook with emotion and I had to take him back to stop her from dropping him. I think everyone cried but me. And maybe Michael. I don't know if he cried. I don't know if he cared. But he was there so it had to say something, even if it was just his mom forcing him to be.

72 hours old is how old a baby has to be before a mother can sign away her legal rights. But Andrew was already at his new home being loved by Steve and Kim at that point. So I signed the papers and was released from the hospital.

I went to live with my aunt. I shared a room with my cousin. My little cousin who had just watcher me give birth to the only child of her first love. I don't think I appreciated her position until now. She was great to me. Helpful and wonderful. Like a sister and didn't even begin to treat me like she should have.

Andrew David Hudelson Deal is now almost 6.5 years old. I still have a lot of questions about it all. Mostly for Michael, but I may never know what is or was inside his head. I didn't really give him a say in the adoption choice. Although we did talk about it briefly at the hospital I think. I told him this was what was right and he agreed. Still today, I don't know he really believed that or if he didn't want to try to face being a dad at 16. Honestly, even though I still stand by my choice, I'm not even sure if I made the adoption plan for the right reasons.

Could Michael and I have made it with Andrew if we kept him? Yes, I'm sure we could have. Maybe not as a couple since wed never been one before Andrew, but as parents we would of. He would of been a dad as much as he could and I know he wouldn't have ever left Andrew. And neither would I. Would we have finished school? Who knows. I barely graduated on time as it was and I was halfway through my senior year when he was born. Would we have gone to college? Probably not. I didn't anyway and it probably would have held Michael back as much as I would of hated that. We could have done it but not in a good manner. We would have, and probably still would be, lived off the government and his mom. My family doesn't have anything to give and if they did they wouldn't have anyway. his mom was willing to help, but Lord knows she doesn't have anything either. We did make the right choice, i just wonder about all the steps we took to get there.