Am I sitting Or Standing

AM I SITTING OR STANDING, AM I GOING OR COMING?

For the past few years I have tried to find who I am but to no success as of yet. I am struggling to find my identity, my true inner me. I struggled, each day and night I pray to God to show me His purpose of myself on this world. Does God hear? Does He answer? Why am I in the same position which I was or even worse 22 years ago. What is it that I did that God cannot forgive me of? Most people I know are somewhere- somewhere you can see that a supernatural power is at work. How can I also get hold of that supernatural power? A power that takes you from nothing to something without begging all night and all day. A power that can surpasses all your fears and understandings. Supernatural power which can give you break from all the torments of this world. My heart is heavy, I am grieving. Its like there is a monitoring gadget which always controls my life - A gadget which was programmed for my downfall, it gets paid on my downfall. My skin is no longer attractive no matter the amount of oil I can apply. I am sad. I do not have a happy life. I am here seeing other people living life and I am just escorting them yet I want to live up to 108 years. Who am I? Where am I going and what is it that God wants to see in me. Haven't I been strong enough for me to be living up to this years struggling like this. Is my name also written in His Chronicles?

Yes, is it not written? I grew up in a big suburb of the capital city of my Country. I was exposed to all good and bad things. It is not like I was born in a neglected city, yet my life shows that. The city I grew up in has many talents. It has singers both of world and gospels (although few of them by then) dancers, models, politicians etc. I was exposed to good and bad life. That was supposed to give me an opportunity to choose what I would want to become. Yet I failed or let me say I am still failing. On second thoughts, maybe I did not fail at all. Maybe the universe chooses for me, yet also I do not like what the universe has chosen for me.

Being the first born of six children, my parents did everything they could for their first daughter. I was very advantaged. The schools I went to were not that very expensive ones but yet they were good. If I could classify my family life, I would classify them as a medium class. I was also not a dumb in school yet also not the cleverest child in that school. I was a day scholar on primary and become a boarder in secondary. My everyday wish and dream was to have a successful life when I grow up. I always see myself having it all in life. I started to day dream when I was still very young. At the age of eleven I was already seeing myself having kids with a lovely husband. At that time that was a wish of everybody but let me not say for everybody. Maybe it was my wish only. Having a husband and children was a resemblance of having God 's favour at that time. Yes, we have so many role models in our society but by that time singers were labelled as demonic people. They were not taken up seriously. One was supposed to have a white-collar job for him /her to be taken up seriously in society. I remember at one time when I was about to write my grade seven exams. My parents were very adamant that I pass. For them nothing was going to stop me from passing. I was the first born and I was supposed to lead by example. They were providing me with everything I want. I was also supposed to pass so that I can go to a good school and become a doctor. Once I become a doctor I was expected to change the way they were living. I was going to be an example to the whole clan of our surname since no-one has ever made it. My cousins all of them have fallen pregnant before finishing high school. We are few girls in the whole clan. I failed a mock exam of my grade seven paper. My father could not agree with it. He personally took me to one of the white gowns spiritual person so that he can pray and remove whatever the people who hate us has put in my eyes in order to block me from seeing clearly on my exam paper.

The white gown spiritual man, wearing his long gown danced and prayed calling his god. He could chant words only himself could understand. He could call names in which some will be similar to our relatives and my father will nod in agreement and some will not and he would say those names were friends to those which were similar to our relatives. My father would nod in agreement. At one moment he distracted my father and I remember vividly seeing him removing snake shells from one his undergarment pockets together with the teeth of a cat. He quickly pulled my eyes (up to now I still have a visible scar on my right eye) and started to pray in his language and pulled my eyes again. He immediately opens his hands and dropped the things on the floor and purported that they have come from my eyes. My father was convinced and I could not have convinced to him that it was a lie. In that moment you all tend to believe it. I was still eleven of age.