What’s Your Anger Style?.

Anger Style: Explosive
What it looks like : " If you leave your jacket on
the floor one more time, I'm leaving you! " It
may take a lot to push you over the edge, but
when you get there, the earth shakes and
people run for cover.

Why you might do it: If you were never
taught how to deal with irritation, you may
habitually swallow it until you can swallow no
more. Eventually your top will blow. Some
people are anger junkies, who get off on the
adrenaline rush of an emotional explosion, not
to mention the fact that the onslaught can
mean they get their way―at least in the short
term.

The damage : It is virtually impossible to feel
empathy and anger simultaneously, so in the
heat of the moment, you are more likely to say
and do overly harsh things that you later regret.

How to Turn It Around
Wait it out
"Research has shown that the
neurological anger response lasts less than
two seconds," says Ronald Potter-Efron,
Ph.D., an anger-management specialist in
Eau Claire, Wisconsin, and a coauthor of
Letting Go of Anger. Beyond that, it takes a
commitment to stay angry. Mentally recite
the Pledge of Allegiance or count to 10 and
see if the urge to explode has diminished.

Own your emotions.
A simple rephrasing
of your feelings can help you feel more in
control. "I'm really upset by your behavior"
is much more effective and empowering

Anger Style: Self - Abuse
What it looks like : " It's my fault he doesn't
help me. I'm a terrible wife. " You find a way to
make everything your fault, every single time.

Why you might do it: Somewhere along the
line, your self-esteem took a beating and you
decided that sometimes it's just safer and
easier to be mad at yourself than at someone else.

The damage : Constantly turning angry
feelings inward can set you up for continued
disappointments and even depression.

How to Turn It Around
Question Yourself
. Every time you feel the
urge to assume blame, start by asking
yourself, "Who told me I was responsible
for this?" Then ask, "Do I really believe
that?" Instead of accepting all
responsibility, thank yourself for
recognizing the pattern in the first place.

Work on your self-worth . Make a list of
your positive qualities. Developing a
genuine sense of worthiness is a critical
step in overcoming self-blame. Seek out a
professional if you need more help in
working around this issue.

Anger Style: Avoidance
What it looks like : " I'm fine. It's fine.
Everything's fine ." Even when there's a fireball
of rage burning in your gut, you paste on a
happy face and dodge any display of irritation.
This isn't passive aggression; it's buried
aggression.

Why you might do it: "Women in particular
are told over and over again to be nice no
matter what. Get angry and you could lose
your reputation, marriage, friends, or job,"
says Potter-Efron. If you grew up in a volatile
or abusive home, you may not believe anger
can be controlled or expressed calmly.

The damage : The primary function of anger is
to signal that something is amiss and
encourage resolution. By ignoring that
warning sign, you may end up engaging in
self-destructive behaviors (overeating,
excessive shopping). You're also basically
giving the green light to other people's bad
behavior or denying them the opportunity to
make amends. How can they apologize if they
don't know you've been hurt?

How to Turn It Around
Challenge your core beliefs . Ask yourself,
"Is it really fine for my employees to leave
early whenever they want? For my partner
to go golfing every weekend?" If you're
honest, the resounding answer to these
questions is probably "You know what? It's
not fine." Recognizing that something is
wrong is the first step to setting it right.

Step outside yourself . Imagine that a
friend is the one being abused,
overworked, or neglected. What would be
the appropriate way for her to respond?
Make a list of actions she might take, then
ask yourself why it is OK for her, but not
you, to react that way.

Embrace healthy confrontation Someone
ticked you off? Tell the person―in a
positive, constructive way. Yes, he or she
might be surprised, possibly even (gasp!)
angered, by your words. And you know
what? He or she will get over it.
"Avoidance often does more damage to
families and friendships than any
expression of anger," says Potter-Efron.

Anger Style: Sarcasm
What it looks like : " It's OK that you're late. I
had time to read the menu―40 times." You find
a roundabout way of getting your digs in, with
a half smile.

Why you might do it: You were probably
raised to believe that expressing negative
emotions directly isn't OK, so you take a more
indirect route. If folks get mad, it's their fault,
not yours. After all, you were just kidding.
Can't people take a joke?

The damage : Even though couched in wit,
your cutting comments can damage your
relationships. Although some people insist that
mockery is a form of intellectual humor, the
very word sarcasm is related to the Greek
word sarkazein, meaning "to tear flesh like
dogs." Ouch.

How to Turn It Around
Give it to them straight . "Sarcasm is
passive-aggressive communication,"
explains Todd. Find words to express how
you feel head-on. You might explain to a
tardy friend, say, after you're seated, "I wish you would try to be on time,
especially when you know we have limited time."

Be firm and clear . This is especially true
with children, to whom a gentle "Jumping
on the furniture is not acceptable" sends a
much clearer message than the snarky

Speak up before you get bitter . Exercising
assertiveness prior to arriving at your
breaking point can help prevent a sarcastic
streak from popping out.