Berets and Skunks

Berets and Skunks

The guy looked like a pretentious fool in his bright red beret. I noticed him as soon as I entered the diner. I was here for a piece of delicious coconut custard pie, not to be distracted by some nut in a ridiculous hat. Melody, the waitress, came with my pie. No order was necessary I’ve been coming in here for the same piece of pie for years now. Melody has been working here almost as long as I’ve been enjoying the pie. Just as I shoved a mouthful of pie into my salivating mouth the guy in the funny hat started talking loudly to himself. It was never really quiet in the diner, but I’ve become accustomed to hearing the waitresses, cooks, and customers interact as well as the banging of dishes and the clanging of pots and pans.

I should have known this wasn’t going to go well as soon as I spotted the beret. I rose from my seat and could now make out some of what he was babbling. The government and talking skunks were the main themes. I could see spouting off about the government, a lot of nutjobs did, but talking skunks, that was a new one. Melody and the rest of the diner’s staff faded into the grease covered walls somehow as I reached the guy’s table. I pounded on the table and looked Mr. Beret straight in the eye and told him to, “shut the fuck up.” He looked up at me with puppy dog eyes filled with tears. I almost felt sorry for him, but I had pie waiting and no time for this bullshit.

“It’s the government and the skunks, they sent you, didn’t they?” He tried to get up and I slammed him back into his seat, not too gently.
“No asshole, I just like peace and quiet while I enjoy my pie. You make another sound and I’ll toss you out on your ass.”

“But people have to know.”

“So, go tell them somewhere else. Now get up and get out.”

The beret wearing nut got up and went out of the revolving door. In seconds the normal noise returned to the diner. I went back to my pie, all was well with the world. I finished the remaining pie and went out the same revolving door. There he was a block ahead of me, his bright red hat made him easy to spot. I saw he was walking slowly, waving his arms, trying to speak to anyone who would listen on the crowded sidewalk. I got behind him in seconds. I walked behind him, unnoticed, until I saw my chance. I grabbed his arm and dragged him into an alley between a Chinese restaurant and a coffee shop. I managed to throw him behind a dumpster, obstructing the view of anyone looking into the alley. I took my gun out of the holster and pointed the weapon at the red beret. He looked up at me pathetically and asked, “Why?”

“I’m from the government” I pulled the trigger. The sound was almost deafening, but I saw or heard no-one reacting to the gunshot, they weren’t that rare around here. His body was surprisingly light, I tossed it into the dumpster without too much effort. I headed back to my office in the government center.

I reached my floor and stood in front of the elevator debating with myself whether I should tell my boss what had just happened. I dreaded the thought of entering his office, the smell in there could choke a maggot. I had no choice, I had to cover my ass in case someone missed the red bereted guy or if the body was found in the dumpster. I knocked and entered the boss’s office. I almost tossed my coconut custard pie once inside. “Damn, you startled me. You know we spray when frightened so now you’ll have to put up with the odor. You humans find the smell offensive, we don’t.”

I wanted to grab him by his furry little black and white neck, but knew I wouldn’t be able to get rid of the stink on my hands for days.
I told him my story as quickly as possible. I had to get out of there. “Good work,” he said as I ran out.