Pretender

Pretender

I wonder if they know that I'm fake, a fraud.
Smile on my face; full of energy I ill afford.
I pretend to be happy, fun and carefree.
Inside pain and torment are consuming me.

I hide my feelings behind a witty word,
Saying so much without being heard.
When I slip and let the real me show,
I cover quickly with an enviable flow.

I am damaged, broken, frail.
I tell myself: never quit, never fail.
Yet everyday that I pretend,
I feel my mask slip and bend.

As time unfolds my defence is less,
I try less hard to please and impress.
I'm failing now at being strong,
Without support I can't go on.

I want some help but don't know how,
To open up and relinquish my vow:
Never be vulnerable or show you're weak,
Don't let them see you're scared or meek.

Loneliness crushes like a heavy weight,
Alone in a crowd, resigned to my fate.
Forever alone, surrounded by friends.
At least I hope it's only me who pretends.

So I go on in the same faux state,
Showing happiness and joy that I create.
I know it's not real but the more I persist,
I hope I can fight through the dreary mist.

I anticipate being happy one eventual day,
To see the anger and hurt fade to grey.
I'll let go of the past with the pain it holds,
And see how my future ultimately unfolds.

Haunted by dark acts of horrific abuse,
Dwelling on their meaning has no use.
As much as the effects stay with me today,
I live on and am successful, in my own way.

I pretend to be normal, one of the masses,
I start to believe with each day that passes.
One day I'll stop to reflect on my performance,
And realise the change in me is beyond enormous.

I'll be finally free of the woeful depression,
The art of pretend, suppressing aggression.
My smiles will be real, my happiness sincere.
I pledge to this outcome without any fear.