Poison

No one seemed to understand the things that went on in my head. They didn’t understand the poison that ran through my veins, turning my heart to stone. I locked out all I’ve ever known, letting the poison be sewn into my brain with no cure of my own. It felt like I was sitting in a single room, looking at the open door to Hell. Knowing it wasn’t going to end well, I paced in front of the door, wearing a path on the floor. The poison pushed through my veins, making me dizzy and my vision fizzy. But the high that filled my brain took away my pain. The door pulsed with a heartbeat that matched mine, prompting me I’ll be fine. It urged me through to find what I already knew to be true. There was more to the poison that meets the eye. But what if it’s a lie? What if I give in and it only leaves me to die?
A tendril of thick black smoke twisted and contorted itself inside the door; while whispering my name, enticing me to join its wild game. I turned away, dripping in shame of a sort because I wanted to play. I wanted to play in a way that would take my pain away. I wanted to play in a way that fed the poison through my veins and made me stay frozen in that one feeling as I stared up at the ceiling. My head was reeling with thoughts that made it okay to admit I was stealing sips of the high, settling me with a sigh. A noise sounded in the back of my throat, soft at first, delicate like a butterfly’s wing because of the constant memory sting. It grew louder and harsh, matching the chaotic feeling in my head. It was laughter that grew, not anger or sadness that showed. I laughed because of the comfort I felt in the dark, because of the comfort I felt as the poison raced to my heart.
I was not alone in this fit of laughter; the voice joined me soon after. It laughed because it knew what I was learning and because it was yearning to show me its ways. I stood in the doorway, feeling the high slip away, feeling the heat rise up my body from my toes to my ankles to my knees and hips. I searched for the needle and poison, looking for its trace to embrace me and send chills up my spine. All the needles were empty, sending me into a panic, as the heat rose to my waist and then my chest. That’s when I saw the rest when I saw the voice manifest into a man. His beauty doesn’t compare and all I could do was stare. His eyes were on me as if they saw the need in my soul. He watched the heat enclose on my heart, threatening to rip me apart. At first, I couldn’t breathe and then I fell to my knees, showing my defeat, ready for a fix. He knelt in front of me, taking my hand. His touch made the heat recoil, receding back down and planting in the soil of my stomach, hiding its deceit. I felt the roots reaching out only to find a drought left behind from the poison.
I looked at him, feeling the roots quiver and cry while the cold crawled slowly forward, only wanting the heat to die. I could feel the crackle of the ice soothing my hesitation, reminding me of the revelation that led me to him. He felt for a vein, lightly brushing my skin with his fingertips. My blood rushed, knowing what was coming. Finding the perfect spot, he brought the needle closer and stared into my eyes. I felt the prick and the burn and my stomach had begun to turn, but all of that blurred away when the poison fixes my brain. I breathed deep, feeling it all seep into the river in my body. It took me so high and I heard him sigh as he kissed the mark left by the needle. The poison combined with his touch, pushed the ice to corrupt the heat, leaving behind only relief. I fell into his arms and lay on his chest, his heart no longer at rest.
“It’s for the best,” I say, curling up in his lap.
A kiss on the forehead took away the dread. “No time for a nap, my pet. There is more to come yet.”
I looked at his smile, something I’ve missed for a while. We lay in the doorway as the poison continued to work through my every inch of my being. I could feel goosebumps rise on my skin and remember only my sin. But was it really wrong if after, I felt strong? The poison and the ice dance, finally free to put me in a trance. I smile, as I felt my blood run cold when the poison settled in old places. My mind whirled with so many faces, I could feel the string unwind, letting go of the rest of what I used to know. There was no test, there was no cure, it was simply that I was no longer pure. He pulled me closer. My head on his chest, feeling the slow beat of his heart that lulled me into a daze coupled with the haze of poison. It was the most comfortable I had felt in forever, a feeling I refused to sever.
The high is prominent; I can feel it coursing through my veins, The darkness is closing in on my mind. He ripped through the walls I’ve worked so hard to build like a thin web. The holes left behind let the darkness slip through, tricking me into a calmness, tricking me to give into the sweet caress from his hand. He whispers in my ear to let go and let the darkness cover me. His voice is sweet and raises goosebumps all over my body. His handsome glow pulls me in, deeper and deeper. I can see what lies ahead if I were to succumb to his entice.
“What can I do, Princess?” he asks, pushing the hair out of my face.
I ponder this question, looking into the handsome eyes of my captor. I wanted him to hold me forever. I wanted to feel his lips on mine and feel his heartbeat in time with mine. I was drunk on his gaze, feeling my limbs go weak with desire.
I knew what I wanted. I just had to admit it. I knew, I shouldn’t say it, because it would mean succumbing to the darkness. I knew that’s what he wanted me to do.
I sighed, looking up at him. I looked into his dark eyes, feeling the relief I longed for. “Never let me go.” I heard myself saying.
A smile spread across his perfect mouth and reached up to his eyes. “Never. You will always be mine, Princess.” He wrapped his muscular arms around my waist and kissed me on the forehead.
I buried my face in his chest and let out another sigh. Tears welled up in my eyes and a sob erupted from my chest.
“Shh…” He stroked my back. “I know, Princess, but you will find peace soon. No more struggling, no more fighting, just peace. I will always take care of you.”
I longed for the peace he spoke of. I longed to stop fighting and resisting. As we sat there, embraced in each other’s arms, I felt a calm wash over me. When I looked up at him, I saw the tear stains left on his red shirt. He smiled and wiped the last one away.
“You’re beautiful,” I said, not even meaning to.
He chuckled, flashing his perfect teeth. “Oh my dear, only when you look with your eyes,” He looked down at me. “But your beauty outshines even the brightest stars. Everything about you puts the moon to shame.”
I could feel my cheeks get warm. “Why do you blush, Princess?” He asked.
“No one has ever said that to me before and meant it.”
“My darling, they meant it, they just were never the right person,” He smiled down at me. “They didn’t love you, as I do.”
That made sense. All the people who have said these things knew what I was going through, but didn’t understand like him. He knew the sleepless nights and the endless tears. He knew about the scars and the crimson that would sometimes stain my pale skin. He knew of the thoughts that ran through my mind, of how they play games with me, appearing when things would seem better. He knew of the numbness that wrapped around me, letting me slip away from everything. He was the only one there through it all, he knew the deepest I had been and never left my side. He resided in the shadows, ready to catch me when the light became too much. He showered me in affection and made things so easy, made letting go so easily. He became my weakness, giving me butterflies when he’d appear. He nurtured the butterflies, understanding how delicate they were, how they could easily fall apart.
He knew of the silent screams that burned in my throat, the ones I suppressed to not worry others. I held back so many things I wanted to say because I knew they wouldn’t make sense to anyone but him. Talking to anyone but him was almost non-existent because I knew anyone else would just think it was like the flip of a switch and I could turn it off. He knew that all that I felt would never go away, he knew that its dormancy wouldn’t last long. He knew the me that I didn’t want to show to anyone else, the me I repressed every day.
“What’s on your mind, love?” He asked, pulling me out of my thoughts.
I smiled up at him. “You.”
He chuckled again, in the way that made my knees go weak. “Do you ever think of anything else?”
“Not anymore, it’s always you.”
He stood, pulling himself out of my arms and walked to the small table behind him. “Close your eyes, baby.”
I did as I was told, trying to hold back a smile. I loved his gifts, they always made me feel something again.
I waited with impatience, anticipating what today’s gift would be. “I can’t wait to see what it is.”
The next time he spoke, he was in front of me again. He always moved with a grace that made it impossible to hear his footsteps. “Open your eyes, beautiful.”
My eyes snapped open and in front of me was a single black rose. The flower itself was plump and fully bloomed, displaying the infinite darkness of the petals. The stem was long with a few thorns stuck into its flesh. I could smell its sweet scent as he held it out to me.
I grabbed the stem, only thinking of how my face was beginning to sting from smiling. Before I realized, what was happening, I felt a sting and dropped the rose. I looked down and red dripped from my wrists. I looked up at him in horror.
“What is happening?”
“Wake up, come on.” He said.
“What?” I looked down at my wrists that they were still dripping red.
“Get pressure on that wrist and hang some fluids. Hang in there, sweet girl, you’re going to be just fine.”
A bright light cut through the darkness behind him and as I squinted my eyes, I could see people moving quickly, making gestures and yelling to one another.
When I looked at him, he was gone and I felt empty. I stood there by myself, with red running down my hands and shut my eyes, hoping that when I opened them again, he would still be there.
When I finally did open them, the scenery had completely changed. I was in a hospital bed, listening to people yell and cry. I could hear a familiar voice sobbing close by, I knew who it was, but I didn’t care. There was only one person I wanted to see and so far, no luck.
“We’ve got her. She’s back.” I heard someone say.
I looked down at myself and was still covered in red. Everything was coming back to me now, the blade, the locked door, the first line of red. I could see it all. Tears filled my eyes, but it wasn’t because of what I had done, it was because I lost him.
“You’re alright. You’re safe now.” Someone said.
I didn’t care. I kept looking through the crowd, hoping I would see a glimpse of him. I looked in the corners, where the shadows dwelled, nothing. I slumped back in the bed and felt the tears run down my cheeks.
“Princess.”
His voice drifted over all of the noise and the chaos and he was all I could see. Everyone else blurred and silence fell in the room. I looked at the door and he was standing there, beautiful as ever, holding the black rose. People passed him by as if he wasn’t even there, but how could they not admire his beauty? How could they not stop to just stare at him?
“I told you I will always take care of you, love.” I heard him say over all the noise.
I smiled at him just as someone walked between us and just like that he was gone again. I sighed, knowing he would be back. He always came back.