excerpts of things i’ll never send

                   to you, my dear.
the one i am still in love with.
my best friend.
the only person i truly want in my life.

this probably isn’t the way i should open something. but, obviously, as i have said many a times before, i’m not good at this. especially not this. i barely got myself to write this out. you will probably never, ever see this. unless for instance, i die. because i’d rather you see and go through my phone than my parents. the things i’m still hiding, despite everything.

i assume i’m a very good actor. maybe. i’m unsure. simply by the fact that you havent said anything of concern towards me. so obviously i’m hiding my feelings fairly well. i hide all of my feelings nowadays. and that really probably isn’t the greatest thing to admit. but, it is something i do.
i hide just how upset i am with literally everything. at times, when everyone assumes i’m pissed off, i’m usually not. i guess that’s just me, being myself. or when i’m upset, usually not. i don’t let my emotions out anymore. not like i used to. i gave up on that. i gave up on trying to get my feelings out to anyone. well, i had this old account on instagram. i just used that to say anything and everything on my mind.
it didn’t have any followers really. so no one saw. and then, a few people found it. and every so often a couple people follow it. and right now, and i’m assuming whenever you see this, it still remains unpopular. but, that is to be expected. unsurprising really that something i was doing remained unnoticed and uncared for. almost like myself. funny, huh?
i’m writing this because i need to get my thoughts out. because currently i’m laying in bed. at 1:22 am. on friday, may 24, 2019. and having not said anything, i’ve spend most of my evening upset, hurting, in both the mental and physical aspect.
for the past while, i’ve been thinking. of that next year, at this time, we’ll be working on finals, and senior skip day, and senior pranks, and graduation. and after graduation, life. i don’t know what the hell im going to do. the things i tell people are just to get them off my back. i really have no fucking idea what i’m going to do with myself. i mean, i can’t get a job now, why would anyone want me later. why would a college want me in their system.
why would you want me in your life after then. why would anyone else want me in their lives after graduation?
because nobody actually wants me around. you may not realize it but i seem to be, for lack of a better phrase, treated differently. by you, by everyone else. and no, i’m not blaming any of this on you. that is not what i am doing at all. but you, are the the one person i hoped would still want me around. would want to continue being my friend despite everything. and my god it fucking hurts feeling like you don’t. it hurts so goddamn bad.
it hurts because i love you. and you’re my best fucking friend. and i just feeling like with everything, i’m not the same for you. not anymore or if i ever was.
at one point, i had everything planned out. i couldn’t wait to graduate and leave this goddamn place with you. and just never come back. and now i believe that i’ll be on my own. completely alone.
because after graduation i feel like everyone’s just going to leave me. because nobody actually cares about me the way i care about everyone. that everyone is just putting up with me until they don’t have to pretend anymore. at graduation you all get set free. free from having to be my friend. nobody has to pretend anymore.
but my god it fucking hurts.
basically, summer is coming, nobody is going to invite me to anything, everyone’s just going to pretend i don’t exist, and i’m just going to leave. i’m leaving and not coming back for senior year. and nobodyll give a damn about the lesbian who wore all black throughout high school. people who sat next to me in class didn’t know my name, figured that out today.
really makes me feel good.
i know that by now if you’re even still reading i doubt you care. i never was important. i wasn’t important in people’s lives. explains why everyone just drops me.
and forgets me.
and never speaks of me again.
and now i may change things.
because if i leave, it’s my fault nobody hears from me. my own goddamn fault. and then i don’t have to go through even more heartbreak of knowing that everyone fucking hates me and has hated me for the entirety that they’ve know me. i’m tired of being a burden on everyone. i’m done with it. and it’s not going to happen anymore.

i just want you to know that despite everything, i love you. you’re my best friend, you always have been, even if i haven’t been yours.

-excerpt of things i’ll never send
by me.