The Attack of the Easter Bunny on Crack

It was a “Hot-as-Hattie’s,” Saturday afternoon (In Georgia,) and my husband and I was simply trying to get into our airconditioned car, after shopping at Olie’s Closeout store. As I opened the passenger door, I heard “Yoo-hoo, hello,” I stopped and acknowledged two people, a man, and a woman, who were dressed as if they had just left a bridal party. The female asked me a cheesy question like “Have you met Jesus?” I told her that I did know Jesus and that I needed to get moving, meaning I did not want to discuss her agenda. Nor was I planning to pay her tithes for additional matching head-to-toe outfits.

She immediately becomes defensive and belligerent, going from “0-100,” in a matter of seconds. She began to curse me out, telling me that she was the “F-ing-First Lady,” and that her husband, who was by her side, was the Head-Pastor, as he egged her on with delight in his eye, while she continually cursed and threatened to kick-my-azz. My husband was amused by the entire scene, which was about to unfold before his very eyes. He chuckles and whispers to me “She doesn’t know who she’s messing with,” as he purposefully hides behind me.

She stood about 5’ 0”, compared to my 5’ 8” and her husband was not much taller than she was in heels. She was dressed in powder-blue, from head to toe. A Powder-Blue hat which sat tall, but crooked to the side of her head; and her warm-toned brown wig lay on her face, neck, and shoulders like a bobbed mop. There was a powder blue chiffon netting, attached to the hat, and it draped down over her dark brown cool toned face, sort-of covering one eye, that was shaded with powder-blue eyeshadow. The two colors did not complement each other, as the powder blue coloring made her brown skin appear gray.

Her dress-suit was also powdered blue and it matched the hat exactly, almost as if the hat were made as an afterthought, due to there being left-over fabric, once her dress-suit was completed. Her pantyhose was also powder blue, and the color stood out against her dark brown legs, as her skin tried to dominate the powder blue color in of the nylon pantyhose. At the end of this ensemble were the powder blue shoes, made of some sort of fabric…Probably additional fabric from the hat and dress-suit. “Geeze what a mess,” I thought to myself.

As she walked through the pothole-riddled parking lot, not paying attention to her steps, she tripped and stumbled her way towards me; cursing and threatening to “Kick my azz,” the entire time. Their church was located directly in front of us, but I did not realize it was a church as it was attached to two dilapidated buildings, one on each side of their church. Her husband, the Beta male, did not stand out at all; as he was clearly the follower (beta,) and he probably had the same role within the church. He, the Head Pastor, actually encouraged her to “Kick my azz.” Meanwhile, my husband’s behavior was no better as his smile grew the size of his entire face, to cover-up his laughter.

As I said previously, it was hot as Hattie’s, and I was irritated enough to do some damage. I told the Easter Bunny on crack that I did not want any trouble. She responded with something like “Yeah, well you got some trouble coming right at cha.” I immediately grabbed my cell phone from my purse and called the police. As I was speaking with the police, she continued to approach and threaten me. One of the officers asked, “Is that her in the background, talking?” I confirmed that he was hearing the voice of the threatening woman.

Moments later, a squad car pulled into the Olie’s parking lot. The car sped up and stopped just a few feet from where I was standing, and the officer hit the brakes hard enough to kick up dust. I was in the process of removing my earrings and preparing to defend myself because the Easter Bunny on Crack was within striking distance of me. The office rolls down his window to find out what happened to cause the disturbance. I told the officer what transpired while the “Easter Bunny on Crack” continued mouthing off and threatening me.

As I referred to the lady as “The Easter Bunny on Crack,” one of the officers looked at the lady, then looked back at me and he just lost it. I guess the expression of disbelief on my face encouraged his laugh. He laughed so hard that he could not catch his breath. The other officer managed to control his laugh, but he was shaking his head in disbelief at the lady’s outfit and behavior. The lady was so angry that no-one else found her outfit to be attractive that she immediately became more aggressive and then hurt by my words. She then simply gave-up...She choked down her tears and then accused me of being disrespectful, (a passive act).
In retrospect, it’s funny how others can identify all the negative traits in others, while never acknowledging their own behaviors or the dramas which they can contribute to escalating a situation “Aggressive/Passive Behaviors.” As she realized that no one was buying her pity-party story, she stopped in her tracks, there was silence and then a calm retreat, as the two of them turned around and walked towards their car. The officer then asked if I still wanted to press charges. I simply replied, that I just wanted to get home safely. Both officers laughed and wished me a good day.

The two never offered an apology, but simply got in their car, and watched my husband and me conversate with the two officers. They waited for us to begin our exit of the parking lot before making their own exit from the parking lot.