Fading

“Hey are you okay?’
“I'm sorry.”
“What?”
“Im sorry I just lost my train of thought. Things are a lot right now. Nothing recently feels real.”
“It's gonna get better. You just have to give it time.”
"I dont know if time is what I need."
"Maybe not but thats what people say."
“You know I was gonna ask you to marry me?”
She laughs sweetly “You? What are you talking about? You told me a hundred times you didnt want kids or marriage. You know when you tell someone that enough they start to believe you. They may start looking for reasons to move on.”
“I had it all planned out. Just ask Alan and Chris. I think I just wanted to make myself believe marriage isn't for me because to give everything in your soul to someone requires you know they have to power to break it and I was just scared shitless… but I was ready.”
“Then what stopped you?”
“I was waiting on that money to come in from the house. I know looking back it didnt matter to you but I really wanted it to be perfect but the fight came before the check. It doesn't matter now I guess.”
“It does. Trust me it does.”
“No it doesnt and you know this hurts so fucking much.”
“I know but you gotta keep going.”
“It was all my fault. I ran it over a 1000 times and every time its the same conclusion. You were right. You were right and I was just a prideful drunk… and now.. Now there is now way for me to tell you this. I just want to hold you and say I how fucking sorry I am. I even dont leave clothes out anymore because I keep hearing your voice. No one can fill this void.”
“You know if it didnt happen we have worked it out babe. You have to stop beating yourself up.”
“I should of been with you. I should be with you! I cant carry this weight alone. This every night isnt enough and Im afraid you'll fade with time.”
“Ill be here as long as you need me”
“Please dont fucking go. I didnt say it then but Im saying it now. Please dont go Im sorry.”
“I'll be here until its time for you to go back. Dont worry my love. You going to be okay.”
“I'm sorry.”