00:36 Friday morning

Something of a trying day...
Found myself explaining myself again, not that I mind doing it, but it’s like dragging over the past, opening up the boxes that I just conna be arsed opening over n over again
I understand people needing or wanting to know if I’m ok but I just need there to be another way.
Inside I was really upset and on the outside I was vague, and I didn’t mean to be but I just needed for it to end


I’ve had a lady in my thoughts again today, won’t say her name, to be really honest, she is far too good for me and at the moment I’m so broken that it’s unbelievable and I’d not want her to see me in this way - but Lordy I like her...
the agony of my position, and I know she doesn’t like me so this is pointless even as I’m writing it down

I wasn’t always like this...and I wish I had 20 minutes to explain it to her plainly ! To others who see me as I am...now
If she understood why perhaps she’d look at me differently, who knows ? It’s too late though - it’s futile and frustrating.

My sister, this evening, reeled off all the things she says I’m excellent at doing, that she’s proud of me for. That’s cool for her, I’m pleased that she sees me as a trier. Why don’t other people see this though ? I think there’s two ways of looking at this - the first is, I’m none of those things because others would see it and I’d have an easier ride, I’d not feel like I’m useless. Or the other is, she’s right and others just don’t give a shit. Either way it’s all for nothing !

I think it all comes back to what my mum said I was, an underachiever. No matter what I do or try to do, no matter how hard I try people will never give me a break !


Telling people that I write poetry - hell, I’d be signing my own death warrant if I did that. I sent the lady something I wrote and I think it sealed my fate. She must have thought (🍪fruitcake🍪) !
I could wrap my heart and soul up in the heavens and stars above and it would sweep her off her feet instantly - but no....doesn’t work
For real, she thinks I’m a fool...nothing more nothing less
I understand now though...

I believe that life is all about not showing or exposing your emotions. As soon as you do your life is over - you’re a social outcast. Sympathy, empathy, altruism, love etc etc - as soon as you’re exposing these....you may as well change your name and emigrate - no lie ! You have to be cold and heartless in life to succeed - ruthless and emotionless..!
You need to be able to lie and be devious and untrustworthy

Be like this....folk will welcome you with open arms, women will adore you and you’ll never be short of female companionship, fact !


How do I know this ?
What a stupid question....
But I understand now....truly I do...