When he came...

So I met this guy in my first week at home. I've left my job and was planning to move to my boyfriend in another city. I was excited about moving to him at first and thought it was going to be the start of our lives together. Evidence shows how much of a bad idea that was. It would never have worked out. Maybe yes, it would've. but that would've taken too much work on my part. Because what is very clear to me now is that I wasn't really happy with him. It's strange how at the moment I'm talking about him in the past tense when we haven't yet broken up but we might as well.

Let me explain.

The guy I'm seeing, let's call him Brian, has been in my life for over a decade. we've been through many many things together and some of the uphills were caused by him. My poem called "Cruel Words" was based on my relationship with him. He cheated on me in our first year together, then blamed it on me. We broke up. But I gave him another chance.

A couple of years later, he started chatting to someone and I found the messages to this other woman on his phone. He told her that our relationship was heading for the rocks, but he never gave me any indication that it was. I left him then too and took him back again.

A couple of years after that, when he left to do an Artison course another city, he met up with someone he was chatting to, fully intending to cheat then too. I don't know why it didn't happen but it caused problems in our relationship when it did.

Given all the evidence above, when I found out he was using a second extra WhatsApp on his work phone I didn't trust him. I left him, this was the longest time we were apart but he never really left me alone. His parents didn't want me to stay away from them and said that we shouldn't stop being friends if we break up. We got back together again. I felt different this time though. Like I had left behind all the bad things that happened. I cheated once too, in the beginning, but he didn't know about the extent of it.

He seemed different and I was hopeful. But lately, it became clear that I was fooling myself.

I still don't know parts of him when after this long I should know every facet of him. He still has things about him that I don't like, and there are still promises he has made that I don't think he will, or will ever want to, fulfill. And this guy that I mentioned at the start of this story made me realize that I deserve way more than he was giving me. And God made me love me way more than he was making me feel loved.

This story is about Craig though. The guy I wish I could be with. The guy I achingly miss every day. The guy I wish I had, but never met.