I Catch Myself

I catch myself
in the corner
bleeding myself

not quite a stuck pig

but a
whimpering
self-hating
blood-letting

Catching myself in the act
of punishing myself

confused
afraid
uncomprehending
of my own self-destruction

But I like the way it tastes.

My friend’s wife comes to mind,
the videos she would send him
drunk
bleeding
drinking
her own wounds

I see my lashing out at others
when really
it is my own actions
that I want to rectify

But I don’t know how


Perhaps my problem lies
in that I think that the answer will arrive
to my head
divinely inspired
the right series of thoughts
unlocking what was once hard
to endless ease

If only,
if only
(I beckon)
God would grant me unlimited power
unlimited focus and patience
All knowledge and strength
perfect foresight
and boundless energy and freedom

yes, yes

if only.


And yet…
you claim you are confused when you worsen things
or act in pride
or hurt others
or neglect your duties?

You do not have the answers that you seek
You will not achieve the keys, given easily

To gain, you first must give,
and to gain a lot,
you must give a lot.



At some level,
you understand this,
and yet you are afraid of it.

Afraid of Him.
Afraid of purpose.
Afraid of light, and love.
Afraid of judgement.
Afraid of your own nakedness.

For you remember being cast out
for your unworthiness,
but you were not given
a mother’s love

to h e l p y o u
under s t a n d


All you know,
then,
is the fall



What else could you do?


The pieces now fall into place

Your father makes the same moves
He makes the same
m i s t a k e s
with his
time
labor
sacrifices


He too is afraid of his nakedness
He too cultivates darkness and fear


I cannot return to the garden
I cannot gain my mother’s love
I cannot gain God’s powers



I must submit to my nakedness
my woundedness

I must have faith
that God will not turn from me in my ugliness
That God will not curse me like others have
that God will not further carve away at what is whole within me
But will welcome it

I must look for Him
and I must worship Him
in sacrifice I must give what is worthy
of His grace