Trying Times

I won’t pretend to know why God does and allows certain things. I won’t even claim to be a good Christian. In fact, I’m probably the most lukewarm Christian around: a problem child. This year has been hard on not only me but on my daughter as well. She is only ten and has seen her Grandmother and Father sick to where they died. Now a third, the one she knows as her other grandmother is sick and in ICU. If I was going around the “OH poor me” in my head the other night I can’t imagine what she is thinking and feeling. Who knows maybe she is resilient like others say children are. As a matter of fact, thinking my Mother In Law is dying is very premature as well. She may bounce back from this just like the other times she was sick. One never can tell.

I’ve been through many things in my fifty years on Earth. A multitude which were traumatizing and devastating. Through it all I’ve never lost my faith. Even with a miscarriage the doctors left me alone and sent me home to endur. I bartered and begged GOD, however, I never blamed God for the misfortune. I tried to be understanding using my bible knowledge. To this day I do believe what I understood from the bible though never speak it as many would misinterpret it and even judge me for what I feel to be the case. I just decide it’s for my personal understanding and it would hurt many if they knew my beliefs. So I leave it alone without speaking of it.

With reading the bible I have come to the conclusion of what the answer to be to the age old question of why bad things happen to good people. My belief to this is with all people not just the good ones. However there is one thing I never add, again, to this because not many hold or share the same belief systems I do and I never intend to offend with what I say or write. On this day, however, I will divulge the fourth and final belief I have as to why seemingly bad things happen. Which could really be a subheading to one of the three core reasons.

The first reason I have come to conclude as to why seemingly bad things happen is quite apparent. We have the ability to chose our actions. Each and every action we engage in is a conscious choice. Wait what? Even the addiction we have. We have made the choice to light that first cigarette, say yes to the drugs (unless one unknowingly ate something or had something given to them which falls under a different heading), and only we chose to conform with the crowd or to our curiosity and pick up that beer. We chose to drive carelessly when we are angry, or look at our phones, or take that phone call. We chose the actions we think are harmless and things not only we, but many others, have done millions of times without negative consequences to be had. It only takes one time. As when my parents chose to drink and drive as you will see later in the next paragraph.

The second is almost as obvious as the first: things that others chose for us. My own example is being a year and a half when I lost my family unit. I mean a home with a mother, father, and siblings when I speak of this. My parents chose to drink and drive and chose to bring us to a bar where my father played in a band on Christmas Eve. My father ultimately ran my mother over and she almost died. She was left in a condition to where she had no ability to care for my brother and me and my father ran. My grandmother, mother’s mother, raised both of us kids. Most car accidents fall under this category as there are numerous victims made by the actions of others. Murders, gun violence, wars, etc. etc. They all fall under this category. This is where the control of others becomes a grave issue. One of the biggest things that cause controversy in our life is to try and control others; whether it’s for good or bad reasoning's.

The third reason I have concluded is things beyond our control. The best example of this I can think of is the weather. Fires that are not lit, hurricanes, tornadoes, earthquakes, tsunami's, and the list goes on. Illnesses are big under this category. We do not have control of the cell that decides it won’t stop growing and grows into a cancerous tumor though we try hard to fight it, ultimately it just happened. Hard as it is, childhood cancer and other illnesses that take the lives of our children are under this heading. We do not have control over that gene that clicked on to give them a genetic condition or over any genetic mutations there is. It’s just beyond our control and probably our own reasoning as to how it happened in the first place when we are in the midst of experiencing the devastating effects it has on us.

Which brings me to the final reason for this writ. By all means this can fall under the heading of “things beyond our control”. I feel it should have it’s own category because it’s about GOD. Although many do not share the same beliefs I have, nor in their eyes, do some share the same (I believe there is ONE GOD and HE is GOD to all). I will try my best not to discuss the why’s of God’s reasoning's for doing things. I do not believe in my knowing what is in God's thoughts or heart. I do not decide when the season’s change or when the cow gives birth. I didn’t decide when to create light or mankind. I did not create the angels nor did I create the animals. I have no understanding, only guesses, as to how this stuff came to be. So I have no right to discuss the reasons why. I will leave it at this statement. The things God chooses just are. They are for His own glory and for GOOD. I do have a scientific mind and try hard to meld that with my faith. Since, faith is believing without seeing or hearing though, it doesn’t ever go in the world of science. Science won’t claim to know faith and faith many times goes against even the biggest genius’ minds.

Even though I believe God could have swooped his hand down and smote the attackers of 9/11 or sent legions of angels to intercept the planes; he didn’t. It is beyond doubt this incident really tested the faith of many. Why didn’t God do anything? Why did He allow this? Why does God allow children to die and not heal them? Your guess is as good as mine. My heart gets torn apart knowing GOD can do all these things and hears all the prayers yet somehow seems not to be listening or answering those prayers. Why would GOD save one person from dying in a car crash but not the other? Why would GOD allow one victim of a mass shooting to live but not save another? I have no clue whatsoever and it would do no survivor or family member any good if I pretended that answer. The best thing I can tell anyone of Christian faith is to read the book of JOB. When faith is lost or someone is angry with God, though, that is something that is hard to swallow. Most wouldn’t want to even hear this.

The book of Job begins with God and Satan discussing human beings when Satan came back from roaming the Earth. God questions Satan. did he consider Job who is a great faith-filled God-fearing man? Satan stated (I paraphrase) why wouldn’t Job be devout since God has given him everything he wanted. Ultimately GOD gave Satan permission to ruin Job insofar as lastly making Job sick and in pain. The rest of the book is Job and his friends questioning GOD and the end with God’s speech is why I really do not want to assume I know why. Job repented from that.

We see here, first, Satan had permission to take from Job. Second, what happened to Job wasn’t within Job’s control. It wasn’t in another person’s control either. It was beyond his or anyone’s control. It wasn’t even in Satan’s control. The control was all administered by God, Himself. I guess this is why people use the proverbial saying “why things happen to Good people”. Job really wasn’t ‘good’ perse to begin with. He was devout. We are told in the bible the only one who is truly good is GOD.

For me, personally, the answer is quite simple. Pray! Take it to God! Even when he seemingly doesn’t hear or doesn’t give an answer or the answer is an obvious ‘no’, His intent and reasoning are always for good; even when it hurts. That is what faith is. To the one who doesn’t carry the same beliefs they probably will never understand this concept. For my daughter, who I am writing this partly for, I am hoping she understands. She displays more devoutness than I which I am so overjoyed with.

The other reason I am writing this is because I did go through the selfishness of the “Oh poor me” a few days ago. I listed everyone close to me that I lost. My grandmother who raised me, my mother whom I was close to, my God-parents (aunt and uncle), two miscarriages, and my husband. Now is mother is sick. Maybe for some insane reason I am even equating (subconsciously) her being sick with my losing my own grandmother. Losing my husband (the family I somehow tried to create myself) this year was like losing my family unit back at a year and a half. In both instances, I blame the choice of consuming alcohol. Both were due to that fact. Even at fifty I feel deprived of a happy home family; Mom, Dad, siblings. It just doesn’t seem like it was in God’s plan for me to have that ‘proper’ family. God would know His reasons. The devil must be doing the happy dance because I get depressed. Knowledge is power though and maybe just writing this and reading Job might be what I need to stop that dance that he does. I have a few other things I am planning so the devil may not want to dance over me just yet. If I have my way I will be God’s in the end and so will my daughter! God wants us and I choose God first!